Friday, July 27, 2012

100. Day 100.

100. Day 100.

     This is not a cop out. I cannot believe I made it to Day 100. At the beginning of this journey, 100 seemed like a lifetime away. I was in such a strange place then. I have learned so much from writing these past 100 days. I am so much stronger than I was at the start. I still have moments of weakness. I still fall short of the woman I want to be. But, wow...what a journey.

     I have learned how to better fight my battles. How to better quiet the voices of obsessive-compulsive thoughts, fears, and doubts. I have learned that having faith is just as hard as being fearful. In fact, maybe even harder. At least with fear and doubt, a resolution can almost always be found. And even if that resolution is a scary one, you deal with it. You learn to cope with it. But faith. Just floating in a black ocean...that is scary. There is nothing else to do, but float. Have faith. Sometimes, there isn't an answer. The only answer is faith. That's it. And that's all.

     Some days when I'm losing the battle, I go back and read my 100 days. And always, I am almost instantly on top of world again. To read 100 days of blessings, things that make me smile, bits of my life, things I don't deserve...it's amazing. It is simply: amazing. I am very blessed. And I don't deserve it.

     I am so proud of myself. Thank you to those of you who read, and followed me on this journey. I hope that in some way, my 100 days were able to bless you. Or lighten your spirit one dark day. It was a long, hard road for me. But, on this day, day 100, I am pleased to say that I am so very thankful for the long, hard road. It changed my life. Truly.

     The next 100 days? Bring it on. I'm ready.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

99. "I will carry you along, and save you."

Day 99. "I will carry you along, and save you."

     On day 99 of this journey, I am very proud to say that I no longer go through the day thinking: death, destruction, doom. I still struggle everyday...but it's getting easier to win my battles. Although, the other day, I went into a full blown panic attack. Couldn't breath, thought I was going to die, my heart was racing...it was just terrible. I literally didn't know what to do. I couldn't shake the panic. I went upstairs, and got my Bible. I opened to this verse:

"I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along, and save you." -Isaiah 46:4

     Okay.

 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

98. Steph

Day 98. Steph

     While I was doing the dishes today, I started thinking about Steph. And how far back our relationship goes. We were friends in high school before I even started dating Matt. How funny is that? I remember riding in the back of Betsy driving home from track practice one night. Betsy was the family station wagon. She was blue. And she was big. She just looked like a Betsy! She soon became my station wagon. And, for real, I loved her! Pinecones stuck in the grill from me running into an tree...she was a beauty. I treated her like she was a race car. The Radiohead song, "Karma Police," came on the radio, and we both agreed that Yorke had a sexy voice. And we sat in the back seat (the very back seat, the one where you face the car driving behind you), jamming out to Radiohead. It was just one of those moments you remember always. Don't know why...

     I also remember a fight Steph and I had. Well, you really couldn't call it a fight. It was more like I screamed in her face, and she restrained herself from punching me. Really. I have no recollection of why I was so pissed, but I remember getting off the phone with her, and thinking...that's it. I'm going to drive over there, and let her have it. And that's what I did. I left my house. Drove over to Yadkin Court, with my sister and my cousin, Jen, for back-up. I parked, got out of the car, went in the house, and literally started screaming in her face. We were sitting at the kitchen table, and I was probably about one inch away from her face. Screaming my head off. And she just sat there. Not looking at me. Just staring at the window in front of her. I've never seen someone so calm and composed in the face of such rage. It was amazing, really.

     We laugh about it now. But I was thinking this about that situation. What kind of person has someone scream in their face, at the top of their lungs for several minutes, and does nothing?  And then, forgives the screamer. And then, accepts said screamer as sister in law. And then, loves the sister in law, like a sister.

     Stephanie. She amazes me. She is so loving, giving, unselfish, and kind. She doesn't hold a grudge, obviously. :) She knows everything there is to know about me, and still loves me, and calls me sister. She has been there for me during the hardest times in my life. She is like that with everyone. You can ALWAYS count on her. For help. For love. For a listening ear. And, you know what? She doesn't get enough recognition for how amazing she is.

     I love you so much, Steph. I am so proud and honored to call you sister. Thanks for loving me. So thankful for you!



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

97. Girls Night

Day 97. Girls Night

     Patty gets me. I get her. We've been best friends since she was born. We have more inside jokes than it seems could be humanly possible. Last night, our husbands had a guy night, so we had a girl night. We watched, The Office...of course. In bed. With some snacks. Pickles, colby-jack cheese sticks, and some healthy cheese puffs. The thing I love about hanging out with Patty is that there is constant laughter. Hard laughter. And sometimes...everyone needs to laugh really, really hard. We laughed hard at The Office. We are the kind of people who like to rewind the funny parts, and watch them over and over again. And it doesn't have to be a really funny part, it could just be a face someone makes. We laugh at inside jokes. Some of our jokes, we'll be like...where did that come from? Why is that so hilarious?

     Blessed to have my sister in my life. She's the best.

Monday, July 23, 2012

96. Seeing Adelyn be proud of herself

Day 96. Seeing Adelyn be proud of herself

     We have had lots of BIG changes the past few weeks. Adelyn no longer uses a pacifier, not even for nap or bedtime anymore. She now sleeps in a big girl bed. At first, everything was perfect. She stayed in her new bed all night and slept in until 9 most every day. Four days ago...that all changed. We think it's because she suddenly realized that she had freedom. She could get out of bed whenever she wanted to. So, we started the Supernanny method of putting her to bed: 1. Regular bedtime routine. Bath, books, prayers, kisses, etc. 2. Explain that it's bedtime, and that she must stay in bed. 3. Leave. 4. The first time she gets out of bed, we put her back to bed and tell her in a very loving way that it's bedtime, and she must stay in bed. 5. The second time...same thing, but in a more stern voice. 6. The third time and subsequent times...we put her back to bed without making eye contact or saying anything. Let's just say this about it...last night, I started crying.

     We had a victory with her nap time though. It took almost an hour and a half, but she finally fell asleep. When she woke up, she stayed in bed until we went to get her. When we did get her, we praised her about staying in her bed. We really made a big deal. High fives, lots of hugs and kisses, a special sticker...

     The look of pride on her face was amazing. Huge smile. You could tell she was very proud and pleased with herself. So worth all the hard work.  Love my Adelyn.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

95. My favorites...

Day 95. My favorites...

     Love, love, love spending time with my family. My favorite people. We always have the best time! It just fills me up. Today, we made home-made Big Macs. They were so amazing good! We danced to old country music, disco, and of course...we had to throw Addy's favorite song in there. Addy and Casey had a blast riding on Opa. They love to play horsey. The game was they get on Opa's back, he carries them over to Shane, and then dumps them off...it was great fun for Addy and Casey. Lots of sweet laughter. We had Klondikes for dessert. The first time Addy and Casey tried them. They loved them...especially the chocolate shell. We played for about an hour at the playground. Had a blast! Addy learned how to climb the rock wall with Opa's help. Casey made Oma slide with her for about 30 minutes, and the other 30, he made her play duck, duck, goose. His version of duck, duck, goose is to run around saying goose for as long as he has the energy to do so.

     I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. There is so much love, and laughter, and joy. We make the most of every minute. I would be so empty if I didn't have my favorite people around all the time.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

94. Seinfeld Moments

Day 94. Seinfeld Moments

     Matt and I had a lovely dinner with Steph and Mario tonight. Went to Mike's. We had two servers. Well, one server, and a guy who followed our server around the whole time. So, we got into a huge discussion about it. Mario and I thought that our server was in training, and being trained by the guy. Matt and Steph thought that the guy was in training, and he was following the girl, our server, around...learning from her. We discussed it on and off for some time. But by the end of our dinner...it was literally the only topic of conversation. We talked about it for almost 30 minutes. We became obsessed with it. Trying to figure it out. Mario finally asked them who was training who. Turns out the girl, our server, had been there for four years, and that the guy was a manager in training. She said he knew more about the company than she did. So, we called it a tie...but we all know the truth is, Mario and I won.

     It was hilarious. Thankful for Seinfeld moments. Thankful for family. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

93. Soup for my body and soul

93. Soup for my body and soul

     So, I threw up today. Twice. A lot. I ate some bad lettuce I think...the use by date was July 7, and when I ate it two days ago...I just got really sick to my stomach. Tonight, different story. I knew some pieces looked sketchy, but I picked them out. Didn't realize the date until tonight...
   
     Anyways, my sweet husband, after working all day in the rain, came home, and sent me to bed. He made Addy's dinner, gave her a bath, and put her to bed. Putting Adelyn to bed now comes with the added bonus of standing at her door, and putting her back to bed when she gets out and tries to play. We lost count somewhere in the 50's.

     I had been having a hard day anyways, so Matt picked up some chicken soup and biscuits for dinner. As I was eating my chicken soup after Addy finally went to sleep, I thought two things.

1. Chicken soup can work wonders. It always makes me feel better when I'm sick. It makes me feel cozy, and warm. It makes me feel taken care of.

2. My husband is amazing and so unselfish. He is like chicken soup for my soul.

     Blessed to have a man who loves me enough to send me to bed when I'm sick, and that buys me chicken soup. Blessed to have a man who loves his family more than anything. So blessed.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

92. Dreams of Tobin

Day 92. Dreams of Tobin

     I was watching The Office tonight. The episode where Pam has her baby. And as I watched it, I couldn't help but get really, super excited to have my baby. I cannot wait to meet him. And hear his cry, and the noises he makes. I can't wait to smell him, and touch his fingers and toes. I can't wait to hold him close to me.

     Is it October yet? Dreaming of you my sweet son. Thankful I have something so exciting to look forward to. My little boy!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

91. I love you so much...

Day 91. I love you so much...

     I have a playlist on my iPod called, Adelyn's music. I have all kinds of kid music in it. Raffi, nursury rhyme music, songs from Veggie Tales, and songs from a Discovery Toys CD called, "Sounds like Fun." I used to listen to it when I was a kid. The songs are tattooed on my brain. And they are becoming tattooed on Addy's as well. One such song is, "I love you so much." I started singing it to her when she was an infant. And I never stopped. Lately, I have had the pleasure of hearing that song sung to me. Adelyn breaks into her version of, "I love you so much," at least 5 times a day. The song goes like this:

I love you so much, I love you so much,
I can't even tell you how much I love you.
You're special to me, you're special to me,
I'm lucky to have you as part of my life.

   
     Adelyn's version goes a little something like this:

I love you ss much, I love you as much,
Tell you love you,
Special me,
Lucky aaaaaaaa life.

     Her version beats the original version by a million. So thankful for my baby girl.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

90. Sleeping Adelyn

Day 90. Sleeping Adelyn

     It was super hot today, so we went to the pool in the morning with Casey and Robby! Played for almost 2 hours. I thought for sure that Addy would get a good nap in. Nope. No such luck.

     That meant that she was way fussy at dinner. She was just so tired. She feel asleep eating her dessert. A chocolate chip cookie. She had chocolate chip cookie drool dripping from her lips. It was so funny! Anyways, I cleaned her up, and carried her up to the bathroom to give her a bath. She was so tired that she didn't wake up. So I sat on the bathroom floor holding her like a baby. And it reminded me of when she was a baby. She would fall asleep in my arms that way while I was breastfeeding her.  It has been so long since she slept in my arms that way. I was so thankful to sit there with her like that for a few minutes. Made me miss her being so tiny, but also made me excited to hold Tobin that way soon.

Monday, July 16, 2012

89. Let me feel you...

Day 89. Let me feel you...

     Sometimes I have nightmares. Sometimes I just can't sleep. I wake up because I'm thirsty, or have to go to the bathroom, or for no reason at all. But it's always the same thing. I wake up. It's quiet. And dark. There is nothing but me and my thoughts. And my mind wanders. Runs away even. It's hard to find my way back to a peaceful place when that happens. That's why I always have The Office or Seinfeld in the DVD player. I flip it on...even if it's 3 in the morning. It helps me find my way back to a peaceful place. It helps me forget. It helps me smile. And laugh.

     It's funny...my sister always tells the story about the last time she stayed with us...she was afraid a wolf spider might meander her way during the night in the basement, so she stayed in our room. Matt and I would sleep in our bed, and Patty started off on the sofa, but then began making up a bed on the floor because it was more comfortable. And because we are all so close...it was no big deal. It was fun, like a sleepover. Some nights when I would wake and turn on a show to quiet the silence, Matt and Patty would wake up as well. And because they know why the show is on, they don't say anything to me about it. It was kind of funny...it would be like 2 or 3 in the morning, and all the sudden, we are all awake, watching Seinfeld. Laughing in the middle of the night.

     Some nights, my shows don't work. My fears are louder. One such fear is about Tobin. Is he okay? If I wake up wondering about him, I touch my stomach. And I talk to him. I ask him to move. To let me feel him. I actually say out loud, "let me feel you." And always...just before panic is about to take over...he moves. He kicks, or punches. Moves his head. Wiggles his bottom.

     Instant peace.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

88. Being with family

Day 88. Being with family

     I love being with family. Being with family is my favorite time. My favorite thing. It fills me up. There is laughter, and playing, running around with the little ones. Trips to the playground. There is always...always, cookies. Opa and Oma know how much Adelyn and Casey love cookies. There is chatting, and story-telling. And there is always: amazing food. I don't mean to brag, but...if you want good food, come to one of our family dinners. We are the kind of people that make chocolate cake for dessert just because. Just because it's a Sunday. And we want it.

     Thankful I belong to the best bunch of people.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

87. My little "big" girl...

Day 87. My little "big" girl...

     Addy is sleeping in her big girl bed for the first time tonight. We put her to bed after books and prayer, and even though it took her a while to fall asleep, she didn't get out once. Matt and I are amazed! We were like...well, that was easy!

     She is becoming a big girl. Too fast. Is it bad that I'm kind of glad she cried for her pacifier? We were going to try and turn moving to the big girl bed into the last phase of weaning her from her beloved cici. When we closed the door, she cried for it. And it was such a sad cry...I just couldn't keep it from her.

     My girl is growing so fast. But seeing her with that cici in her mouth reminds me that she is still very much, a baby. My baby. Thankful that she's still my little one.

Friday, July 13, 2012

86. There's no place else I'd rather be...

Day 86. There's no place else I'd rather be...

     Today was interesting. But, not in a bad way. Just...a new kind of adventure. I decided that it would be a fun project for Adelyn and I to make homemade play-dough together. It started innocently enough. We went to the store together. The whole way over to the store, we talked about buying the ingredients, and mixing them up, making the dough, playing with it... The first ingredient on my list was cream of tartar. I picked it up, and handed it to Addy for her to hold. She was carrying a purple purse filled with treasures, and her baby, so she had one free hand. As I bent down to get the salt I needed, she decided it would be great fun to run away as fast as she could. Of course, I caught her in all of 2 seconds. I talked to her, and told her she needed to stay by me. She replied with, "sowry, Mama." Not one minute later, she tried to run away again. So, I had to take the cream of tartar away, and that started the tantrum. I was that person. Walking through the store with their kid crying their loudest pterodactyl cry. Complete with the stomping of the feet. And the screaming of the word, "NOOOOOOOOOO!" People were staring of course.

     As she was screaming, and people were staring...I thought to myself--honestly--,"there is no place else I'd rather be right now than walking in this store with my screaming child." Honest to God truth. I love where I'm at in life. I love being a Mama. Best thing ever. It took me forever to get pregnant with her. We almost lost her at birth. We've had one miscarriage. We've lost a child. We know what it is to be grateful for what we have. And I don't mean for that to seem like I'm bragging. I just mean that...I so appreciate every step. Every second. Every memory. Every milestone. Every rite of passage. Even those that include getting stared at in the store because your child is screaming their head off.

     Honestly, there is no place else I'd rather be. So, so, so thankful. For the many blessings in my life that I don't deserve.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

85. Gifts

Day 85. Gifts

     I think gifts are such a good way to tell someone you love them. I love getting gifts. It makes me feel so special. I have gifts from special people that I could never part with. Gifts like a 15 year old or so tin of Bert's Bees lip balm my Dad gave me. A card one of my students gave me drawn in pencil on white copier paper. My orange jean jacket. Got it for my 16th birthday from my parents. Best jacket ever.

     Adelyn has inherited the gift loving trait from me. She loves gifts. And any gift she gets is very special to her. So special that she has to carry it everywhere she goes for a few days...or even a few weeks after getting it.

     Today, Addy got some gifts from her Omi. And she had to hold them all on the way home. She held her baby, a teddy, a bubble wand, some stickers, and some playdough tools. When I looked back at her, all you could see was her head, and her legs. The rest was treasure and gifts.

     I love her.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

84. Adelyn missing her Dada

Day 84. Adelyn missing her Dada

     Matt has been working a lot. Adelyn has been missing her Dada a lot. She's always asking, "air Dada go?" And when I tell her he's working, she replies, "poor Dada." She's always looking for him. She calls his name into our bedroom, in bathrooms, down the basement stairs. They're so in love.

     We have a routine. Bathtime. Books. Prayer. Kisses and hugs. Bed. We all lay on Addy's floor using giant stuffed animals as pillows, and I read. Every night. That's what we do. Tonight, Addy cuddled herself into the crook of Matt's arm, and made him read every book. And when I went to kiss her goodnight, she moved her head, and kissed Matt goodnight first.

     So thankful for my sweet loves, and thankful that my daughter is a Daddy's girl.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

83. An instance of unconditional love.

Day 83. An instance of unconditional love.

     Let's call the dog: E. Let's call the owner: J. Because of the nature of this instance of unconditional love...I'm not sure if using actual names is the right thing to do.

     E was a very sweet boy. Very loud. And misunderstood. That's what J always said. Many people were afraid of him. I never was, for some reason. I felt that E and I had an understanding: I came in the door. He barked very loudly. And when he barked, his front feet would lift off the floor. I went directly to the dog biscuit container, and proceeded to give him as many biscuits as it would take him to calm down. E, of course, loved me.

     E loved J as well. He really was a cool dog. He was just misunderstood. However, E had some anger issues. E lashed out in anger on more than one occasion at J. E actually bit J twice that I know about. Once, E bit J's hands. He needed stitches, and got a nasty infection. It was a big ordeal! The other instance I know about is when E bit J in the scrotum. Yes. You read that right.

     So, here is what has always struck me about the relationship between E and J. E bit J in the hands and the scrotum. Yet, J still deeply loved E. I don't know what else to say about it, except that it has always stuck out in my mind. I always think about what an amazing picture of unconditional love it is. It is the very definition of unconditional love. J loved E. No conditions. Didn't matter that he attacked him. J loved him. I think it's pretty amazing.

     Thankful that unconditional love exists. Love without condition. It's a beautiful thing. 

    

Monday, July 9, 2012

82. Ginger

Day 82. Ginger

     Been thinking about my cousin, Jen, lately. We have been close for as long as I can remember, and we are very much alike. We understand each other. We understand what it is like to go through life being us. We are very fun, and we love to laugh. We love to dance. We love to tell stories. Not tall tales or made up stories. But real stories. About us. And our lives. Our entire extended family is like that. More than half the conversation at every family gathering is everyone taking turns telling funny stories. I love that about our family.

     I was thinking back to when I was a kid...I would get so excited every time Jen would come visit. Visits from Jen meant fun, laughter, adventure, and girl time. I think that spending time with Jen is when I learned to value and appreciate girl time. My sister and I would pile into whatever car she was driving at the time. We would blast whatever cool music Jen was listening to, and we would just drive. Most of the time to get something to eat. I remember one such drive...we were all starving. None of us had any money except pennies, nickels, dimes, and some quarters. We found an empty Biore box in her car, and we proceeded to fill it with all our loose change, and any change we found on the floor of the car. We managed somehow to get around $5.00 in that box, and we went to McDonalds. We ordered a bunch of stuff off the dollar menu, and when we pulled around to the drive-through window, we just handed the cashier the Biore box. And we sped off, laughing hysterically.

     I remember another time Jen came to visit, we went to the mall. We kind of just looked around, and of course...got something to eat. (Our entire family comes from a long line of people who deeply love food.) We were sitting in the food court eating ice cream from Dairy Queen, I think, when we spotted a mother and daughter at a nearby table. The daughter, a very young girl, was bald. She had cancer, we suspected. We sat there, disturbed by the notion that such a young child could be so sick. We sat there for a few minutes maybe, then Jen said she had an idea. We walked up to the mother and daughter, and Jen bent down, and asked the mother if she could buy her daughter an ice cream cone. The mother smiled, and said, "of course." So, Jen and I walked to Dairy Queen, and ordered a cone for the little girl. When Jen handed the little girl the ice cream cone, she said something along the lines of, "I thought this would make you smile."

     Fast forward to a couple years ago...we went to a family bbq, and when I saw Jen, my jaw dropped. Jen, who has always had longer hair...except for a few years worth of short bob cuts...had a very, very short haircut. Basically, a pixie cut, although it had started to grow out when I saw her. Of course, she looked awesome with the short cut. She has always been a gorgeous girl. I asked her what made her cut her hair so short, and she told me something that deserves telling: she was cutting a client's hair who had cancer. The client was upset because her hair was falling out. I think Jen said it was when the client started crying that she grabbed a huge pair of scissors, pulled her own hair up in the air, and cut. Jen cut her entire head of hair off for that client. And she said that the client started smiling and laughing.

     Jen is an amazing woman. She always has been. She has always been so unselfish, and kind. To complete strangers, even. And I think, she was put on this earth to make people smile. She's good at it. Thankful that I have Jen in my life. 

   

Sunday, July 8, 2012

81. Brave

Day 81. Brave

     I'm brave now. Or, getting there I should say. There was a thunderstorm tonight which in the past meant that I would have had a panic attack complete with upset stomach, spinning head, can't breath, can't function, running to the basement, chattering teeth...the list is long.

     Tonight, for the first time, I opened our blinds, and I sat at the window, and watched the wind blow. And my teeth didn't even chatter once.

     I'm proud. And thankful that I can watch a storm and not crave a Xanax.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

80. "Don't worry, Mama."

Day 80. "Don't worry, Mama."

     These were the words spoken to me tonight by my almost 2 year old. We were doing some coloring and stickering after dinner, and she looked up at me, put her hand on my cheek, and said, "don't worry, Mama." This is profound because, my mind had just started to wander. We were coloring, and I started to worry. Her response was immediate.

     I'm convinced that my Adelyn is wise beyond her age. It wasn't a few weeks ago or so...that she said the same thing to Tobin. "Don't worry, baby." Her words renew my faith. When you're floating on your back so often and for so long in a dark ocean...words like hers are a lighthouse.

     Thankful that Adelyn has been and continues to be my lighthouse.

Friday, July 6, 2012

79. My husband is awesome!

Day 79. My husband is awesome!

     One of the many reasons I love my husband so very much is because he is always thinking of us. Always. Always thinking about what we might need. Or what we need for our home. Or for Adelyn. Or Tobin. He even found this awesome chair/pillow that I can use to sit in bed and breastfeed Tobin after my C-section. It comes with cup holders, a built in back massager, and a book light. Pretty sweet!

     As he was putting up our new curtains in our living room tonight...I thought about how bare this home would be without him. Not because I don't like to decorate...but just because when he buys something for us, or for our home...he does so with love. He buys it because he is proud of us. Proud of our family. And our home. That gives me such an amazing feeling. And it makes the things and decorations in our home mean so much more. Like my pink teapots...I have my Grandmother's old pink kitchen table in our kitchen. I love it. It is so retro, and I have so many fond memories around the pink table. To decorate the pink part of our kitchen, Matt bought me 6 or 7 pink teapots to put up on a shelf. As I was putting them up the day they were delivered...the shelf fell from the wall, and all the teapots crashed to the floor. That was a hard day. We had just lost River, and it was this little bit of happiness...and it just came crashing down to the floor. Felt like our broken dreams. Not a week later...I had all brand new teapots. And new shelves as well.

     So in mad, crazy, love with my man. Blessed to be in love with a man who loves me, and our family more than anything.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

78. Finding Truth in Finding Nemo

Day 78. Finding Truth in Finding Nemo

     I find that many children's books and movies contain so much depth and truth. If you read between the lines, you will find truths that make you think. One of my favorite authors of all time is Dr. Suess. The man was amazing! Simply...amazing. I love his books. I got to thinking about this subject--truth in children's books and movies--because I found this little thing I want to get framed for River's memorial case. It is a square piece of paper from this notebook with the following quote on it: "A person's a person, no matter how small. In my eyes, you're nearly 800 feet tall." I love that quote. It brings me comfort. I want to get it copied and send it to the people who said River never was. She was small. But she was a person. And in my eyes...she was nearly 800 feet tall. :) She was something great, no...magnificent.

     It was a couple of days ago...I started to feel a lot of anxiety again. Doubts and questions. Fear and worry. It is relentless...the fear always bugging my brain. And for some strange reason...the thought came to my head, "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim." And I thought about Marlin. On the surface...it's a movie about fish for kids. But, there are some major life truths in that movie. This poor fish, Marlin, was on top of the world. He had it all. A beautiful home. A lovely wife. Hundreds of babies...almost ready to be born. And tragedy struck. His entire life was destroyed. Lost his love and babies...except for one. Nemo.

     Of course...anyone who has suffered great loss understands that after that loss...life seems scary. It is unknown. It is uncertain. And Marlin's reaction to his loss was to hide. Hide from life. He wanted to stay safe, always, in his home, with his son. And he learned to fear. And to be afraid. Of everything.

     Fast forward to the end of the movie where Dory and Marlin are trapped inside the mouth of a whale. There is a large rumbling, and Dory says that the whale is telling them to move to the back his throat. Of course, Marlin is like, hell no! I'm not going to get swallowed. And he even asks..."how do you know something bad isn't going to happen." Dory replies..."I don't." But she says something interesting. "It's time to let go." Of course...kids watching the movie think this means that Marlin and Dory should let go of the giant bump on the whale tongue. But, it means more. "It's time to let go."

     I picture myself floating often. My body feels like I'm clinging onto something...I don't know what. I can't quite describe it. It's like I have this small something that I cling to. It helps me keep my head just above water. But it also keeps me in a scary place. A place of fear and anxiety and doubt and panic. It's time to let go. It's time to just float. To just trust. It is so hard. And very scary. And I don't know that something bad isn't going to happen. But, it's time to let go.



  

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

77. "Otterstedt Invasion"

Day 77. "Otterstedt Invasion"

     My parents and brother have been without power since Friday's storm. So, my Mom and the three pups came to stay at our house. My Dad and Shane had to stay home because they work in DC, and the commute would be too long from our house. But, they came to visit most every day. They got power back today, so after our fun 4th...my Mom began packing up all her things to go back home. As she was doing so, my Dad said something along the lines of, "are you happy to have your house back...after the "Otterstedt Invasion?" Of course, I told him to never say anything like that again.

     In my opinion, an, "Otterstedt Invasion," is the best kind of invasion to have. There are fluffy pups to keep you company. There is laughter. And dancing. And food. And ice cream. And love. Lots of love.

     "Invasion?" Count me in. 

    

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

76. Joy

Day 76. Joy

     After dinner tonight, we all (Patty, Casey, Matt, Omi, Addy, and myself) decided to go to Sweet Frog for a treat. I need to capture Adelyn's "excitement" expression on video. It is priceless. She opens her mouth very wide in an O shape while smiling. Her eyes are full of spark and wonder. As I was getting her out of her carseat, she made her excited face. She decided to bring her baby, a pink spatula from her kitchen, and a little train car she has named, Carmine. Carmine is a race car from an episode of The Little Einsteins. She had to carry all three treasures with her. As we were walking in, she spotted Casey, Patty, and my Mom walking up from another parking spot. She yelled out, "Casey! Tante! Omi! Come on, guys! Let's go!" We walked in, and her favorite song was playing. Rihanna's "We found love." And she started dancing.

     It dawned on me right then how full of joy she is. Everything is an adventure to her. She loves to dance, and sing. She loves to go on little trips and outings with us. Even wagon walks are special to her. She smiled a very sweet smile at Matt and I this morning on our walk. For no reason. Looked up at us, and smiled. Those are my favorite smiles. She is so full of life. And love. She is so so so amazing. I am constantly in awe of the little life we are blessed with. God knows how much we need her.

     Thankful for the joy that my daughter exudes on daily basis. It is infectious.

Monday, July 2, 2012

75. Good news on baby Tobin

Day 75.Good news on baby Tobin

     I always feel on top of the world when I hear good news about my sweet baby, Tobin. I love leaving an appointment happy, and with a smile on my face. I love seeing him move around inside me. I love seeing pictures of his feet. I cannot wait to hold them, and kiss them. I love going on a lunch date with Matt afterwards to celebrate. We like to celebrate every step of the way. We talk about him, and about how much our life will change. And about how much we will all love him.

     We can't wait to meet you, sweet son!

    

Sunday, July 1, 2012

74. Determination

Day 74. Determination

     I wish I could have the determination that Adelyn has. She knows what she wants. And she finds a way to get it. Tonight, after changing a very wet diaper at around 9:45pm (I thought maybe that was the reason she was still awake...usually, she's asleep by 7:30pm!), Addy found two toys she wanted to take back to bed with her. I told her no. She didn't like that very much. About 10 minutes later, Shane said it sounded like one of the kids was up and walking around. (We have a full house. My parents are still without power, and Patty and A.J.'s air conditioner is broken.) Matt and I went to check, and there she was. Walking around her room. With the two toys I told her she couldn't have. How in the world she climbed out of her crib without making a loud thump is beyond me. It was as if she she knew the noise would alert us to her being up.

     I wish I could be that determined. Thankful I have miss Addy B to show me how it's done.