The writing on the wall.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 210

     Tonight, I went into Adelyn's art corner, and found that she had colored on the walls. With marker. Matt and I talked to her about it, and told her she couldn't do that, it was wrong, we made her help us clean it up, etc, etc. But, when Matt and I were inspecting the damage at first, we couldn't help but smile. I think it's just because, we know. We could read the writing on the wall, literally: Kids are hard on a home. They're just messy, and they make messes, and they mess things up, and that's just the way it is. Matt smiled at me, and said, "it won't be the last time." And I know he's right.

     Thankful for our messy, sweet, amazing children. Thankful for the messes they make. And the way they mess things up, like our wall. It means they are children, and they are doing what they do best. Getting into things, and making mischief. I'd rather have a million messes a day to clean, or a million piles of Mt. Laundry to fold, than not have my babies. They make every day worth waking up for.

   

Hey! Where's the fire?

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 209

     Sometimes, my life as it was before I had children bleeds through to now...my life after children. This morning was one of those times. I had Casey for the morning. Sophia was off getting some tests done. And I'm happy to say they all came back good. She's healthy! It was another beautiful summer day around here, so I got the kids ready, and we all went out for a walk. We left the house around 10:00, 10:15. And when I checked my phone around 11:00, we hadn't even made it out of our little circle. Adelyn and Casey were having a blast. Picking flowers. Finding and collecting rocks. Finding sticks. Looking at birds. They played with a neighbor's dog. When we finally walked into the next court over, I was getting kind of antsy. I wanted to walk. We left the house with the intention of walking. And for some reason, I kept hurrying them. I don't know why. We had no schedule. We had no plans. We had no where to be. I believe it's just because that's the way things used to be. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Rush, rush, rush. Zipping around from place to place. No time to lollygag.

     But, as I began to snap pictures of Adelyn and Casey picking flowers, I realized, there was time to lollygag. There was time to stand around and wait on them. Even my excuse of, "Tobin will start getting antsy if we don't keep moving," didn't hold up. Because he was in so much of a hurry that he fell asleep :) So, I stopped hurrying them. And I started to lollygag with them. And it was lovely. No agenda. Just out walking. Seeing what we could see.

     Thankful for Adelyn and Casey. They taught me today that there is time to take things slow. To stop and look at every flower, and rock, and blade of grass. These days won't last long. These days when lollygagging is permitted. I must relish these days. They'll be gone before I know it. These are good ole' days. I'm in them. I'm living them now. I can't forget that.

A Picasso tree. 

Tobin loves to play with bouncy balls!

Casey boy in a timeout. 

I'm getting really excited for vacation!

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 208

     I am getting super excited for our vacation this year. We are going to the Outer Banks, NC. A sweet little beach called, Swan Beach. When I typed in Swan Beach, NC, into google images, this is one of the first pictures I saw.

     Just some wild horses walking on the beach. No big deal. Yep. We are going to a beach that is home to wild horses. To get to our beach house, we have to drive through sand dunes to get there. There is no paved road. Just sand. And wild horses. I cannot wait to get my feet in the sand. I can't wait to see Tobin's reaction to his first beach experience. I can't wait to see Adelyn's face when she sees the ocean again. I can almost feel the ocean calling me. Beckoning me. Come. Come sit in the sand. Pick shells. Listen to the waves. Run in the surf. Wake up early and watch a beautiful ocean sunrise. Sit on the deck, and watch the sunset cast those beautiful pinks and reds and purples and blues across the sky. Bring your flashlights, and go exploring after dark. See how many crabs you can find. Fall asleep in the sand. Watch the birds. Watch the horses. Shower outside after swimming in the sea. Just sit back in your beach chair, and watch, and listen, and feel. Just be.

     Can. Not. Wait.

     Thankful for beautiful places like the beach. Thankful for the rest and relaxation we will soon soak up there.

Sleep. Glorious sleep.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 207

     I don't think I started fantasizing about sleep until I was in college, and working two jobs. That was a hard time. A very tired time. But it was nothing, nothing compared to how tired I have been for the last two months or so. My children have always been amazing sleepers. No issues whatsoever. Until Tobin started getting teeth. Three nights ago, I got four hours sleep total. Two nights ago, it was less than that. Lack of sleep makes you feel insane, and grumpy, and crazy, and jittery. It's horrible! Last night was better. Tobin only woke twice. Both times, I just went in, and held him for a few minutes. And I put him back in his crib awake, and he fell asleep on his own. We'll get there. He's just a needy boy. :)

     But this afternoon? This afternoon was amazing. Heaven. Wonderful. Peaceful. The best. We all went for a long walk in the morning. We came back, had lunch, and everyone went down for a nap around 1. And everyone slept until 4. Even Adelyn. Who never naps. When I woke up, everyone else was still sleeping. And the house was so still. I slept so hard, and I had been so tired that when I woke up, I was like, "what day is it?"

     So thankful for sleep. So. So Thankful. I needed to sleep. And I'm keeping track of all the sleepless nights my Tobin boy has caused me. Because when he's in high school, I won't feel the least bit bad about waking him up in the morning with a trumpet. Or drums. Or any other kind of loud noise. Oh, Tobin. Payback's a bitch. Just you wait... Muahahahahaha!

Look at Greenie! Ha! Willing Addy to drop some of her dinner!

It is beyond good to see people I love and miss.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 206

     Had a great day catching up with family we haven't see in a long while. Adelyn was super happy to have guests, as she always is. She kept yelling out, "they're here, they're here," every few minutes while we were waiting for them to arrive. It makes me so sad that the weeks, and the months go by, and so much time passes between visits. As Matt and I were talking about our very pleasant afternoon and evening, we decided, no more. No more will we allow the months to pass us by without visiting with those we love and care for. We must make time for family. Because when we're old, and we're looking back over our lives, we won't ever say, "man, back in 2013, April through July was just crazy busy." There will always be busy times. Busy times are just a fact of life. Another fact of life? Life is short. And we must take every opportunity we can to spend time with loved ones.

     Thankful for Jeff and Gary. Thankful for our time together today. It was just so, so good to see them. Beyond good. Thankful for a day well spent with those I love.

Anger likes to sneak up on me. Fear, too.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 205

     It's almost August. Birthday month around here. My dad on the 1st. Matt on the 7th. Adelyn on the 20th. And River on the 17th. It was around this time last year that I started getting angry. And it's happening to me again. Anger. Details of the day River was born. And the aftermath. Things people said. Things people didn't say. Anger sneaks up on me. Comes at me when I'm doing things like washing the dishes. Getting a shower. I go back to that time in my head, and I relive it. I go over the details. I feel the pain I felt then. All over again. Like new. I remember the way my arms felt empty after she passed, and the nurse took her. It was a feeling of empty like I've never felt. Because the nurse took her, and that was it. I never held her again. I never saw her again. I start to worry that she is forgotten. I start to worry that I failed her somehow. I start to worry that it could happen again. I start to single people out. People to be mad at instead of what I'm actually mad about. It makes me even more angry that I'm angry to begin with. It makes me angry that fear creeps in. Disguised as anger. 

     I try to be hard on myself when it comes to anger and fear. I don't want them around. But, is anyone ever okay with the loss of someone they love? Peace comes and goes. Anger comes and goes. The reality of death hits me in waves. Some days, I'm at peace. Others, my mind is a war zone. Firing hot flaming arrows of anger and fear this way and that. Going over and over and over the details. The pain. The heartache. What she looked like. What she smelled like. The way people reacted to her. Or didn't react. The way she felt in my arms. And then, the way my arms felt empty. Like there was a hole I could never fill again.

     Tonight, what I am most thankful for, is the feeling of full. The way my arms felt full as I held Tobin tonight, and nursed him for bed. The way my arms felt full as Addy hugged me over and over today. The way my arms felt full when Matt and I cuddled in bed. The feeling of full is a good one. One that brings me peace and comfort. And calms my angry and fearful heart. The feeling of full reminds me to be ever so thankful for every moment I have with my loves. Because I know the feeling of empty. And it's a dark place. Thankful for Adelyn and Tobin. And Casey and Sophia. Four children to love and hug and hold makes my arms feel full. And that feeling helps me move past the anger.

The shirt says it all. 

Moments

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 204

     Matt has been working ALL. THE. TIME. We hardly see him anymore. And the kids are missing him big time. When he came home today, he got down on the floor with them, and just played. Tobin was crawling all over him, and smiling, and smacking his head repeatedly, and dancing, and playing. He was as happy as could be. Just sitting there with his dada. And Adelyn was just as happy. I can't even count how many times she hugged him, and held on tight, her face buried in his neck, and said, "I missed you so much, Dada. Don't go away again. You stay here."

     It made my heart feel full and happy to see the loves of my life loving each other. They were so happy to just be together. I sat there, and sipped some tea, and watched them. And I felt very at peace. And very complete.

     Thankful for my family. Thankful for wonderful moments with them. I treasure the little moments. Little, seemingly ordinary moments that are anything but ordinary. Oh, and also, thankful for the amazing weather today. I could smell Fall today. I could taste it. I could feel it. It's coming, and I couldn't be happier about it. I adore Fall.