73. Extra Cuddles from Adelyn

Day 73. Extra Cuddles from Adelyn

     It is time. We had to start weaning Addy B from her pacifier...lovingly known as her "cici." She turns two in August, and with Tobin on the way...we have quite the list to accomplish. Well, really only two things, but they are huge things. Wean her off of pacifiers, and move her to a big girl bed. Yikes! Scary stuff. For me, at least. It also means that my little one is growing up. I can't believe how fast time ticks on.

     We were expecting a bad day. Adelyn is straight up addicted to her pacifiers. She loves them. She did so awesome, though. The only time she was fussy was when she was tired, and it only meant that Matt and I got in some extra cuddles and hugs. And we both happen to love cuddles and hugs from our girl. It was a good day. Thankful Addy still loves to curl up with me, and that she lets me hold her like a baby when she's sad.

72. It's kinda like winter...only hot.

Day 72. It's kinda like winter...only hot.

     Part of the reason why I love winter is because there is no hot sun baking us away outside. The other reason is because I get to stay cozy in our warm home with my loves. We hunker down with blankets, hot chocolate, movies, sweet things to snack on, and hearty, warm meals to fill our bellies.

     With this hellacious heatwave...I find myself feeling like it's winter out there. Only hot. We stay inside. But, instead of the cozy winter must-haves...we opt for flowing sun dresses and shorts, ice cold drinks, movies, sweet things to snack on, and light meals.

     The cozy feeling is the same. The only difference is the temperature outside. Thankful for a few days of extreme heat because it means I get to hunker down in my cool, cozy home with my loves.

71. Ethan

Day 71. Ethan

     I had the great pleasure today of holding my new little cousin. Well, my cousin's son. So, I guess that would make Ethan my second cousin. No matter. It was awesome to see Lauren. I am forever amazed at the miracle of life. And not just the act of giving birth (which way too many people focus on these days), but the strength and ambition it takes to nurture and sustain another tiny life. She is doing such an amazing job. So loving. So selfless.

     It was so wonderful to hold him. It has been so long since I held a tiny baby. I forgot how small babies are at first. I love the noises they make. I love how they need their Mama constantly. I loved smelling him. His head, his sweet milky breath. He was so perfect. He made my day.

     Thankful for sweet baby boys. I cannot wait to see mine.

70. Out of the dark.

Day 70. Out of the dark.

     Tonight after dinner, Matt, Adelyn, Roxy, and I were all in the living room. Addy and Matt were having their usual tickle/laughter/father-daughter fun session when all of the sudden, Adelyn stopped and shouted, "River, River, River!" She was pointing to a picture of River's sweet feet we have on a table in our living room.

     Addy is aware that there was a girl named, River. She pulls at the necklace I wear daily and says, "River." She looks at the picture of her feet. She examines all the items we have in River's memorial case. She points at them, and says very knowingly, "River."

     I still hurt from losing her. I still long and ache to hold my baby girl. I cry for her. I wonder what life would have been like if she was still here. I'm still angry sometimes. Mostly at a couple of people who said: she never was. They said she didn't deserve a memorial service because no one had any memory of her. They thought it was inappropriate. Even writing those words makes my entire body tense in extreme anger.

     They are wrong. I have strong memories of River. So do all the other people that loved her. What an amazing life she was. I still see her from time to time. Whenever a butterfly decides to visit me.

     Tonight, after Addy pointed to River's picture and shouted her name, it brought back a flood of memories. I remember listening to Florence + the Machine's, Cosmic Love over and over after she passed. It reminds me of her. Well, mostly, the pain I felt after losing her.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became


     As I sat there in the living room tonight, remembering River, I started thinking about where I was after I lost her. The mental state I was in. The depth of sorrow I felt. I was in the darkness. It took months for me to find my way back. I also thought this: if I hadn't lost River, I would never have been able to get pregnant with Tobin.

     I miss her. I want to hold her. It would be easy for me to slip back into the darkness. But, then I think about all I have learned and experienced in my journey back to the light. There aren't enough words to describe how thankful I am for both my daughters, and my son that grows inside me. I'm thankful to be out of the dark.

    

69. I remember...

Day 69. I remember...

     Awesome day. Beautiful weather. Perfect day for the park. Adelyn, Casey, Patty, Omi, and I had an awesome day at Burke Lake Park. We took a train ride, and a spin on the carousel. We had a lovely picnic under some nice big trees. We played on a playground.

     While we were walking around at the park today, Patty was saying how she remembered going there as a child. She had fond memories of riding the train, and she was happy that we could bring our children back to the park that she had loved as a little girl. I agree with her. How awesome. My Mom brought us there as children. We loved the train. Today, we went with our Mom, and our kids. And our kids loved the train.

     I am so so thankful that I can spend days like today with my sweet daughter, and my family. I'm thankful that when Adelyn looks back on her childhood, she can say...I remember that day we rode the train at the park. And maybe one day, I can go there with her and her children.

   

68. Words to Treasure

Day 68. Words to Treasure

     I was looking through one of my old journals tonight. In it was something I had long ago forgotten. I had given Matt's dad, Bill, a Father's day card, and he had sent me an email, thanking me for it. I printed it out, and taped it in my journal. This is what it said:

Christen, 

I wanted to thank you very very much for the beautiful Father's Day card. It made my day entirely. ...I do treasure it!

I am so happy that you and Matt care for each other so much. I think you are wonderful, and inasmuch as a dad wants nothing but the best for his children, I can say that Matt has found, "the best." Thanks for all of your help and love and caring.

Bill

     Reading this little note from Bill tonight made me think hard. About words spoken. I remember how good I felt reading this email from him. It made my day entirely. Tonight, I am thankful for Bill. And his kind words to me. I'm thankful for things that stand the test of time. Like words. That stay even after a person has gone ahead of us. I want to strive to make it so that after I'm gone, people will remember my words as kind words. Not words of hostility, gossip, anger, and hate. But words of joy, truth, kindness, and love.

     I am also thankful for forgiveness. I spoke unkind words to someone I love today. Yet, this person loves me anyways. Thank you.

  
    
   

67. Watching Adelyn Eat

Day 67. Watching Adelyn Eat

     I love watching Adelyn eat any kind of food. She would rather eat broccoli and any kind of fruit than pudding. What kid refuses to even try a creamy vanilla substance on a spoon? What kid says, no...I'd rather eat my broccoli. With no butter or salt. Just steamed broccoli.
  
     When she's done with her meal, she's in the habit of saying, "ummm, hmmm..." Then she smiles a very mischievous smile, and says, "cookie?"
    
     Watching her eat ice cream is serious entertainment. When ice cream is mentioned, she willingly drops her pacifier and her baby to the floor, and walks briskly to where the ice cream is. A spoon doesn't get it in her mouth fast enough. She uses her hand to shovel it in much more quickly.

     She amazes me.