I'm wasting time.

February 24, 2019
Day 879

     I realized something tonight, and it's very important.

     Whenever I look at baby pictures of my children, I feel an intense ache. My heart aches to hold my children as they were when they were babies. My arms feel empty, and I have a longing to fill them with my babies. I've often wondered why this is. And tonight, I think I've come to the conclusion:

     I'm wasting time. Every day, I waste just a little bit of time doing something that literally does not matter at all. Sitting and staring. Scrolling. Watching a show.

     I looked at our family calendar tonight with all of the days crossed off, and the realization came to me: maybe my heart aches to hold my children as babies because even when they were babies, I wasted time.

     Why do I not spend every single free moment I have staring into their wondrous eyes? Why do I not spend every little spare minute talking with them? Or holding them? Or carrying them? Or telling them how beautiful and special they are?

     I am literally wasting the precious time I have with them with stupid stuff. Stuff that literally does not matter in the slightest.

     I have promised myself that tomorrow is a new day. I will not waste any more time doing meaningless things. I will spend my spare minutes and seconds with my babies, because they matter. And when I look at baby pictures, I want to know full well that the only reason I'm feeling an ache is because I want to hold my tiny babies once more, and not because I wasted time.

     Thankful for realizations. Thankful for my beautiful babies. Thankful that tomorrow is a new day, and I can make it what I want. Thankful for second chances.