Filing Cabinet.

March 16, 2025

Day 3,036

     Someone told me recently that I am nit-picky. Those words have been echoing in my mind ever since. Those words have caused me to question the way I love and the way I parent. I also question my ability to lead next year. I didn't like to hear those words. I know that I am far from perfect. I have many things that I need to work on. I don't know if I will ever reach what should be the best version of myself. But those words have made me feel doubtful.  

     Here's one thing I have known about myself: my mind is a filing cabinet. I do not throw files away. That means that every single scary thing I have ever heard resides in a file in my mind. When something happens, my mind scrolls through file after file of worst case scenarios and outcomes. The number of times in a day that I have to push intrusive thoughts out of my head is just obscene. Sometimes, nothing at all happens and my mind decides to open up the cabinet and scroll through. I will be minding my business doing something perfectly pleasant, and my mind hijacks the activity. It is exhausting. It is something I used to absolutely hate about myself and the way I am...until a few days ago. 

     I was writing a little something to go along with my Instagram post for the day when I remembered a quote that would go perfectly with what I wanted to say. I knew exactly which book to get it from, and I knew exactly where in the book to find the quote. I even had the words highlighted. It was right then that I realized that my filing cabinet mind could be a good thing. The same way that I remember scary things that I have heard and create a file for them, I remember words, pictures, and situations that have made a mark on me, and I create a file for those as well. This realization has made me feel hopeful that if I can find a good use for my filing cabinet mind, I might find a good use for the fact that I am nit-picky, and I'll even take it a step further. Maybe the word shouldn't be nit-picky. Maybe it should be attentive. I do not sit back and watch things pass me by. I pay attention to details. Details matter to me, and that serves my filing cabinet well. 

     I am thankful that I am attentive.