I've been thinking about this:

(Please note: somewhat of a graphic picture with some blood in it below. Number 5 on my list. If you have no desire to see it...don't read this post!)

I've been thinking about this:


1. This is our life now.

     A few weeks ago, we were all sitting around the table having dinner. Adelyn in her princess chair. Matt using his big toe to rock Tobin, who was sitting in his little rocker. I was starving. And scarfing my food down as quickly as I could so I could go feed Tobin. Who was starving as well. It had been a whole hour since I last nursed him. :) I had struggled to get dinner on the table that night, and we were eating late. Addy was especially fussy and whiny. Matt had worked all day. The house was a mess. And suddenly, for reasons I don't understand, Adelyn started throwing a tantrum. Screaming. Crying. Of course, when one is crying, the other one usually joins in as well. United front, you know? So there we were. Matt and I scarfing our food down as fast as we could with two screaming babies. Matt looked at me in the midst of all this, and exclaimed, "this is our life now." And he smiled a big, sweet smile. And we sat there. Smiling. At our life now. Seriously, we love it.

2. No one makes pie like my Dad does.

     For Thanksgiving, my parents and Shane came over. It wasn't the most fun Thanksgiving. Adelyn and I had a nasty stomach bug. Thankfully, I was well enough to eat some dinner, and some pie. I am forever amazed at my Dad's cooking abilities. He made pumpkin pie and pecan pie. Both of which...were amazing. He makes the best pies. And he doesn't use a recipe. No measuring cups. No measuring spoons. Nothing. Who does this? Who sets out to make a pie...and just makes it. No recipe. No measurements. Just says, okay, pecan pie. I'll add some of this. Some of that. And presto...the best pecan pie you've ever tasted. And if that isn't enough of a wonder for you, how about this? He makes his own pie crust from scratch as well. No recipe. No measurements. Just makes a pie crust out of thin air. And they are the best damn pies you've ever tasted.
     This amazes me. 

3. Click

     I never know what will set me off. This time it was a simple cautionary statement from Adelyn and Tobin's pediatrician. "Be careful with him...it's cold and flu season. Don't take him around large crowds of people. And if he gets a fever...call us. It is very dangerous for a newborn to get a fever within the first two months of life." That did it. My mind automatically adjusted from complete and utter joy and elation to fear mode. I kept thinking...I just have to make it to the two month mark. He'll be safe then. Two months. Two months. I said it over and over to myself in my mind. Two months. Tobin is six weeks now. And in those six weeks, Matt has had a terrible fever/flu illness that lasted a week. Adelyn has had a runny nose/cold. Adelyn got a stomach bug. I got a stomach bug. And with each illness that faced our family...fears grew. The two month mark became even more important to me.
     It's funny how easily fear slips in. Disguised as caution. Or even good common sense. Wash your hands becomes wash them until they bleed and crack. And also, change your clothes 10 times a day. They have germs on them. And also, wear something over your face to prevent germs from getting on Tobin. And also...don't go anywhere in public. Germs are lurking.
     I clicked through the first six weeks of my baby's life because of fear. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed every waking moment since Tobin has arrived. I have. But fear has also been there. Present. Every step of the way. Hindering me from fully enjoying what I can only describe as the "perfect" life.
     It's a daily battle. Sometimes I lose. But, I stand up again. And I keep on fighting.

4.Thanksgiving

     "I have so much to be thankful for," is an understatement. I cannot put into words how truly blessed our little family is. Life with Tobin around is so sweet. Adelyn is just the greatest big sister. And Tobin loves her so much. He smiles when he sees her. Or me. Or Matt. It's a very, very, sweet smile. He has also started to coo. He has the sweetest little voice. We love him so much. Adelyn loves to take care of him. She helps me with everything. She loves to help change his diapers by handing me the wipes and the diaper. She helps me put his lotion on after his bath. She hands me his clothes. She gives him his "cici" when he's crying. She's in love with him. As we all are.
     There should be more days dedicated to thankfulness throughout the year. Giving thanks for the many blessings I have, counting the good things, noticing what you normally take for granted in life--literally, saved me. Saved me from losing it during my pregnancy with Tobin. Anxiety, fear, and doubt can seem so strong. Stronger than anything you've ever experienced. But, thanksgiving? Literally looking at your life through the lens of thanksgiving will change you forever.
   

5. The most amazing picture I've ever seen.

     I've contemplated whether or not to share this picture. But, this picture is way, way too amazing not to. This is a picture of my sweet Tobin, still attached by the cord, right after my doctor delivered him. I stare at this picture in amazement sometimes. In awe of the sweet life that took 9 months in the making. The longest, and scariest 9 months of my life. And then, just like that...there he was. He came out crying. And, of course, I had to cry right along with him. I am just so beyond thankful for him.



     

A first.

A first.

     Tonight was my first night alone with two kids. I made it. Wasn't perfect. I used gummy bears to bribe Adelyn to do a few things. Things like walk up the stairs. Sit down at the table for dinner. Stuff like that. But, hey...they were organic gummy bears. From Trader Joe's. So...not so bad, right? Tobin started screaming the minute I got Adelyn in the tub. We had to listen to him cry while I bathed her. I had to nurse Tobin and read to Adelyn at the same time. While sitting on a toddler bed about a foot off the floor. I've got mad skills. ;) I gave Tobin his first bath tonight. A truly traumatic experience for him. He hated it. And screamed the whole time. But, oh man...he is so sweet to cuddle. So, incredibly sweet. We cuddled for a long time after that big, bad bath.

     It wasn't perfect, but it was perfect. It was a bit stressful at times, but watching Adelyn kiss, "little baby Tobin," goodnight... I waited so long to experience those moments. To hold my son. To have him safe in my arms. To watch Adelyn love him. To be four. First night with two babies? Loved every second.