12. Trees

Day 12: Trees

     I love trees. I write about them often. There are three trees that are my favorite. The first is our cherry tree on China Grove. It was the most magnificent cherry tree I've ever seen. Truly. I use the word magnificent because it was. It was gorgeous. And in the spring...the blossoms were so vividly pink. The second is our cherry tree on Rogue Forest. I love it because my Grandfather planted it for us. I love it because it grows with us as our family grows. It too is turning out to be an amazing tree. With amazingly pink blossoms. I don't know if it's possible that two of my favorite trees have pinker (yeah, I said pinker) blossoms than other cherry trees...but they sure do seem brighter and more beautiful. The third is the tree by the graveyard in our neighborhood. It is one of the most peaceful places. Addy and I walk there almost everyday. She is drawn to the tree, just as I am. In fact, Casey is drawn there too. It's interesting that two toddlers who want nothing more than to run free when they are outside actually walk to the tree...and stay there. They walk around it. They touch it. They talk about it in their own language. They sit by it. They lean against it. They collect twigs around it. And I stand there and watch it. I love to watch them by our tree.

     I love it because there's a history there. Our history. And standing by our tree makes me feel happy, joyful, and most of all...peace-full.

11. April 29th

Day 11: April 29th

     April 29th is a special day. My sister's birthday. Love my sister. My best friend since the day she was born.

     Patricia, I love you because: You are amazing. You are so beautiful. And not just on the outside. You are there for me always. You would drop anything to help a friend. You are a wonderful Mama. You are a wonderful Tante. You are so giving. And loyal. Your laughter is contagious. I love you because you are you.

     Not sure where this is from...(pretty sure it's from a movie), but, "I'd miss you even if I never met you..." that pretty much sums it up. I'd be so lonely without you.

     Happy Birthday, Patty. I love you so much!

     (BTW, this is not my last "Patty" post) :)

10. Fun days at home with Addy

Day 10: Fun days at home with Addy

     It was a chilly, windy, rainy-ish day. Perfect for staying inside and having fun with my girl.

     Today was awesome. A relaxing day with my little love. We played babies a lot! We fed the babies. We changed their diapers. We laid them down to sleep. We held them. We comforted them when they cried. She is a very good Mama. We read books. We sang songs. We danced. We made a fun bed on the floor out of lots of big blankets and watched a movie. We played with Roxy. And cuddled with her. Addy took a long bath. And I was very surprised that when I went to put her down to sleep...she was exhausted. She closed her eyes before I left the room.

     Sign of day well done. I love Adelyn.

9. Dancing

Day 9: Dancing

     I love to dance. It makes me happy. And I really don't care what I look like, or who is watching...I just dance. I have passed this love of dancing onto my daughter. She loves to dance. She dances to songs from shows, little songs that play on her toys, and sometimes...she dances just because. There doesn't have to be any music. She doesn't care. She just dances. And I love it.

     Her favorite song is, "We found love," by Rihanna. This did not happen on purpose. Nor am I proud to admit that my daughter's favorite song is by Rihanna. However, in her defense...it is an awesome song, and she has never seen the music video, obviously. (The video made the song come down in notch in my book. It feels like such a joyful, happy song...and the video is the opposite of that.) We love to turn the volume all the way up, and dance around our kitchen. Addy's favorite way to dance is to turn around in circles until she falls over. Or to make me hold her while we dance together. It makes me really tired to dance that way. But I don't mind.

     I hope she never stops dancing. I hope that she continues dancing no matter what she looks like. No matter who may be watching. I hope she always wants me dance with her. Even when I'm 90 years old.

8. Dogs

Day 8: Dogs

     This will not be my last post about dogs. I'm sure there may be at least 5. Seriously...there is no greater creature in the animal kingdom than the dog. They are the epitome of loyalty and unconditional love. And personally, I feel that all those "mean" dogs out there just weren't trained properly or loved enough.

     There is one dog that I never knew personally, but think of often. I was driving to work one day. Feeling blah. Going through stuff. I came to a red light next to an old truck. For no reason I looked over. It was one of those trucks that is only three seats across. There was a very old man driving, and sitting right next to him, cuddled into his side, was a dog. The man had his arm draped over the dog's back, and the dog had his head resting on the man's shoulder. I watched them sit together like that...driving in the early morning traffic. Light after light. Cuddled. Embracing each other. It was one of the sweetest moments I've ever witnessed between human and dog. It made my day.

     I went home, and cuddled my dog.

     Thankful for dogs that love me.

  

7. Hawks

Day 7: Hawks

     I never thought I would view hawks as a symbol of hope and peace. I never thought I would see them daily...soaring above me whenever my mind begins to doubt. They find and seem to follow me whenever I am outside. Much like the butterflies that would flutter around me daily after I lost River. Hawks have become as much a symbol of him as butterflies are of her. Daily reminders that there is hope. There is a gift waiting. That I should not fear. That I should trust.

     I look up at them, and I just have to smile. I cannot continue to doubt. But my mind is a powerful thing, and I find myself in the same position the next day. And then...my hawk. My daily reminder. A soaring emblem of my future. My Jeremiah 29:11.

     I should have known when I saw that first hawk soar over our favorite tree. And especially when it landed in the tree. And began calling out to me. Squawking at me. This strange and loud scream of a squawk. But it wasn't enough for this doubting Thomas. He gave me daily hawks to remind me that "God is good," and "peace," is coming.

6. Bedtime

Day 6: Bedtime
     Okay. It's been a long day. Day 6 is going to be short and sweet. I love my bed. I love the smell of the sheets and the blankets. I love that we have at least 8 pillows in bed at all times. I love that Roxy sleeps in bed with us. It's cozy. But sometimes...she's a bed hog. I love watching Seinfeld or The Office before I go to sleep every night. I love that my stuffed dog, "my dog," still sleeps in bed with me. He's been sleeping in bed with me since I was 2. Yeah, I'm 30, and I still sleep with a stuffed dog. So.
     I love every day I spend with my Addy girl. We always have awesome days together. Bedtime is just the icing on the cake.
    
    

5. "Drives" with Patty

Day 5: "Drives" with Patty

     There is an Otterstedt girls tradition. Drives. It is one of our favorite things to do. A drive is something we do when we are happy. Sad. Bored. Hungry. Fighting. Depressed. Stressed. Basically whenever we need to just get away. A drive used to consist of a full tank of gas, a fresh pack of Camels, and Ludacris. Now, our drives consist of whatever gas we have in the tank, some kind of snack, and mellow music. But the journey is always the same. We get in the car feeling depleted. And when we return...we are different. Better. Rejuvenated.

     There is something magical about driving down dark roads for hours with your best friend. And if on some dark night you find yourself with nothing to do, and feeling a bit empty...I suggest a drive with someone like Patty.

4. Rainy Sundays

Day 4: Rainy Sundays

     I love rainy days. Some people loathe them, and I'm not sure why. I would personally hate if it was sunny 24/7. I may be biased, because I absolutely despise the sun. Most summer days...I wish I could shoot the sun out of the sky with a machine gun. (I've said it before, and I'm saying it again.) It's the truth. I actually think that on hot summer days. On more than one occasion...I have been so miserable in the heat of the sun that it actually reduces me to tears.

     But the rain...I love the rain. It gives me an excuse to stay inside my cozy home all day long. We watch movies. We eat soup. We cuddle under blankets. We paint pictures. And read books. Today, Addy did some water color paintings of a skunk, and some ducks. It's a good excuse to let the dishes wait. And to hold off on the cleaning. And to just...relax. And relish in the fact that we have a warm, cozy home to cuddle in.

     I love the rain. But rain on a Sunday? That's the whole package.

3. Ice Cream

Day 3: Ice Cream

     Ice cream. Need I say more?

     It doesn't matter how bad of a day I've had. It doesn't matter how full I may be already. It doesn't even matter if I'm on a diet. I don't even feel guilty about eating it. Ice cream makes everything feel just a bit better. I have always been an ice cream girl. I have always loved it.

     "Moi ein, pees?" First thing I said after my Dad had to literally force feed me my first taste of ice cream. He said I had clenched my teeth closed, and was shaking my head back and forth saying no. Repeatedly. He said he had to grab my face, and literally force me to try it. And of course...the rest is history.

     I have a motto: "There's always room for ice cream." Everyone should try to live by this. I do.  

 

2. Matt

     Day 2 of 100: Matt

     Matt. My husband. My love. The only man I've ever loved. Ours is a great love story. And like every great love story...it hasn't been perfect. There have been bad days. Bad months. Even bad years. But, through it all...he has loved me. Unconditionally.

     Some people may search a lifetime to find the love of their life. Some may never find it. How incredibly blessed I am. I found the love of my life when I was still a child. We fell in love in high school. And even before we fell in love...there were instances of "something" I cannot explain. It was mainly just a feeling I got whenever I was around him.

      We had classes together in middle school. In our History class, Matt would make fun of me constantly. He would call me a Nazi, and march around me saying, "Heil Hitler!" I would do my best to ignore his taunts, but I must confess...I went home and cried about it on more than one occasion. My parents assured me that he probably just liked me, and didn't know how to tell me. Of course, I refused to believe them. Matt said he was calling me a Nazi because I had blond hair and blue eyes. So, I must be an Aryan. And a Nazi. He saw that it made me crazy with anger and frustration. So he continued to tease me. When we started dating, my parents asked him about it one day at dinner. He admitted that yes, he liked me. And he didn't know how to tell me.

     We had another History class together in high school. He sat in back of me. He would stretch his legs out around my desk so that when I looked down, I could see his feet. He was usually wearing sneakers or a raggedy pair of Adidas sandals. I loved seeing his feet there around my desk. As I said, I can't explain it. It was just this feeling I got. Cozy. Safe. Like I was home. The only explanation I have for the feeling is that we are soul-mates. And being near him even before we fell in love made me feel...whole.

     We ran track together. There was one track meet in particular where we came back home changed and different. It was at Virginia Tech. An away meet. I was there to high jump, and he was there to do some distance run. We spent the entire day together cuddled in my sleeping bag under the bleachers. Playing hang-man. Flirting. Talking. Brushing my hand against his made my stomach jump. I saved one of the games of hang-man we played together. I had to guess the words, "I know somebody who likes you." Of course...it was him.We came home different people. We came home in love. And that love has never ceased. 

     Matt is the most incredible man I know. And he's mine. He's my husband. My love. The Father of my children. I get to kiss his lips for the rest of my life. I can hold his hand whenever I want to. He amazes me. His love for me, and for our little family is so real. And so big. He works so hard for us. I am literally living my dream life because of him. We have an amazing home. Two beautiful daughters. I get to be a stay at home Mama to my Adelyn because he works so hard. And everything he makes, he spends on us. On his girls. He is a dream come true.

     I'm going to end this with Matt's words. Words that he has written to me. Because they are too beautiful not to share:

"My love, my life, my wife,
You are my best friend, my soul-mate,
You are my everything.
My life is nothing without you.
Without you my lungs have no air,
My voice has no soul,
My heart has no reason for beating.
You are the reason I'm alive.
I love you with all my heart."

100. 1.

     It started out as 30. Then 60. Then 90. And then I thought...go for it. If I can do 90, I can do 100. 100 posts. 100 things that make me smile. 100 things that I am thankful for. 100 things that I don't deserve, but yet, have been given to me anyways.

     It has been a roller coaster the past few months (more info to come), and I haven't been able to focus on writing like I have wanted to. My Dad suggested that I write through it. He said that I'm an amazing writer (he biased, of course), and that I should write as a way of working through things. I haven't taken his advice until today. But he was right to suggest that I write. Because I already feel like I can breathe a bit deeper. The air feels a bit crisper. There are so many things I want to say that I fear my fingers won't be able to type fast enough.

     There may be days where my post of thankfulness/happiness/joy/gifts/blessings in my life is not as detailed as I would like it to be. My plan is to write during my daughter's nap time. But, as she proved yesterday...I make plans, but sometimes her plans are different than mine. She wanted me to "hold you," (translation: hold her) for about an hour. I realized she needed time with me more than a nap at that point. She fell asleep at dinner instead.

     I am aiming to replace all the negative obsessive-compulsive thoughts with my 100 posts. I want to dwell on whatever is good. Whatever is pure. Whatever is lovely. I want to teach my brain a lesson. I have been given so much in this life. I have everything I have ever wanted. And yet...I still find reasons to fear.

     I am so excited about this journey. Seriously...never thought I'd say this, but...I'm gonna kick my brain's ass. Fact. So...in no order of importance, I give you: 100 posts.

Number 1: Eyesight

     I want these 100 posts to be mostly positive. Without going into too much detail...I thought for a while I was going blind. About a month or so. It was scary. And exhausting. A dark spot in the past few months. Honestly, I know my sister was instrumental in bringing me out of my panic. She helped me laugh. She talked me through it. She listened. Countless times a day. I'm sure it was exhausting for her as well. 

     Now that I'm through it, I got to thinking about what I see. What I am blessed to see:

Adelyn. My beautiful, amazing, sweet, Adelyn. Her smile could melt ice. The blue of her eyes. Her beautiful blond hair that reminds me of butter. The way her fingers look holding my hand. Her toes. The way she looks when she is sleeping. The mess she makes eating a meal. The look on her face when she calls my name, "Mama!" Her toys all over the house. The way our home has transformed. There isn't one room that doesn't have a bit of Adelyn in it. Her fingerprint on it. The way my husband looks at our daughter. The way he plays with her. Kisses her. The way he looks at me. The way his lips look when they are going in to kiss mine. The shape of his hands. The arch of his feet. The way he smiles at me. Casey's birthmark. The color of his eyes...like beautiful marbles. His toes. The way he gives a fish kiss. The way he holds Addy's hand. The way he runs. The way he looked as newborn. The way he eats. Especially cake, or chocolate, or something sweet.

My sister's beauty. My mother's beauty. Her nails, and her hands. My Dad's hands. His fingernails. His four freckles under his one eye. Shane. His hair. The way he looked in his wrestling uniform. The first time I saw him. The way he looked on our couch sitting on Patty's baby blanket, when he was a baby. With the blue balloons all around him. The rocking horse he had in his room. They way he would climb into his changing table. My sister on her prom night. Wedding pictures of my parents. Pictures of A.J. as a kid. Seeing A.J. kiss Adelyn. Seeing him hold Casey. Watching him rock Casey when he's crying. My Mom's feet. She has beautiful feet. They make a perfect impression in sand at the beach. Pictures of my Dad with long hair. Watching my Dad cook. Steph's curly hair. The way she looks when she's driving. Seeing Mario for the first time. His long hair. Watching Matt walk Steph down the aisle at her wedding. Watching Sue dance. The way she walks on the beach. The way Bill walked. His hair. The way he looked on our canoe trip. The way Jen dances with her hands. She points a finger. The way she looked leaping across the beach in South Carolina.

The beach. Sunsets. Sunrises. Trees. Especially my favorite trees. Our old cherry tree on China Grove. The pink of the blossoms were so beautiful. The tree by the graveyard. Our cherry tree here on Rogue Forest. The way the water looks at the pool during break. And when there is 50 kids in the water. Butterflies. Hawks. River's feet. Roxy. The way her fur is turning gray under her mouth. Greenie, and the way he wiggles. Goose's head. Duke's eyes. He looks like a friendly lion. Dixie. Watching her give birth to 10 puppies. Watching her lick them after they came out. Skipper. The beauty mark on the end of his nose. Walking into my room and seeing the books he had just chewed up. The way he dug the sand at the beach. The blue of the sky. The way it looks after a storm. Rainy days. Fall leaves. 

Thankful I was able to see all these things. Thankful that I will see many more amazing things in my lifetime.