You make me want to be a better woman.

Project 365 * 4
Day 545

     I was watching the movie, As Good As It Gets, today. A movie about an obsessive-compulsive man who is terrified of the world he lives in. Terrified of germs. Cracks in the sidewalk. The usual things people with obsessive-compulsive disorder are terrified of. And it brought me back. Back to a time when I couldn't touch the handles of any public door. A time when I couldn't go out to eat because there might be germs. Or cracks in the seat at the restaurant. A time when the simple act of walking to my car in the dark made me question my sanity. Were those really footsteps I heard behind me? Did I really just see someone looking at me from behind a bush? It brought me back to a time when I was terrified of the world I was living in.

     In the movie, the man has a moment. A moment when he realizes that there is more to life than making sure to lock the door a million times. There is more to life than washing one's hands until they are raw and cracked and bleeding. He says to the woman he loves, "You make me want to be a better man." I don't know when that moment came for me. It wasn't all at once. It was gradual. Over time.

     Like the time after Adelyn was born. And there was a tornado warning. I made the entire family go down to the basement. I sat on the floor, holding my baby. I was shaking. Trembling. Panicking. Images of our house being torn to shreds flashing through my mind. Blood. Destruction. Chaos. And then I looked at Adelyn. And I knew I had to be a better woman. Like the time when Tobin threw up all day long. I wanted to scream and run for the hills. But, as I held my feverish boy, I knew I had to be a better woman. Like our trip to the beach. There are sharks in the ocean. Literal monsters that can tear a person to pieces in one bite, but as I looked at my children playing happily and unaware of any danger lurking, I knew I had to be a better woman.

     I didn't know that life could be lived this way. I didn't know that life could be good. And happy. And beautiful. And amazing. I didn't know that there could be days filled with nothing but love. I didn't know that it wasn't necessary to worry about everything every second of the day. I didn't know that my brain could think so clearly. I didn't know there was more to life than obsessions and compulsions.

     And then came Adelyn. And then came River. And then came Tobin. And I knew I had to be a better. Thankful for my children. The ones who taught me how to really live. The ones who taught me that love and light is bigger and brighter than even the darkest of days. The ones who made me want to be a better woman.

Homeless man. Lisa. Little bouquets of weeds.

Project 365 * 4
Day 544

52 Kind Things

     I gave money to a homeless man this week. I saw him standing there, begging for money, and in my head, I could hear all the many years worth of practical advice given to me on the subject of homeless people. The biggest being this: "he's just going to use it to buy drugs and alcohol." Maybe he did. I'll never know. All I know is that I saw that man standing there on a busy road, begging for money. A man with no home. No food. A man that might not have a friend in the whole wide world. And I thought, I could be his friend. I could show him some love. I didn't have much to give him, but I gave him all that I had. I figured, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone takes a wrong turn here and there. Who am I to judge him? Who am to say he doesn't deserve help because he might use it to buy things he doesn't need. We all buy things we don't need. I'm hoping the little bit of love I showed the homeless man gave him hope, and helped him to feel love.

52 People I Love

     This week, I've been thinking about my friend, Lisa. We met while working at Starbucks, and became fast friends. I loved working with her. We made every shift fun. We started a little coffee and tea tasting thing together. Every couple of days, we would set up a table where people could come taste different coffees, teas, and pastries. I learned so much about coffee and tea doing those little tastings. For example, the best thing to eat with Refresh tea is chocolate. The best thing to eat with a bold African coffee is a citrus fruit. We also learned that French roast is best paired with a cigarette.

     I never expected to become as close to her as I did. But I fell in love with her. And on my last day, I'll never forget hugging Lisa, and hearing her say, "I'll miss you so much, I love you." It was then that I realized that I loved her too. I loved doing our little tastings together. I loved sneaking out with her to buy ice cream so we could make milkshakes. But most of all, I love her because she has such a good heart. She's so kind and gentle. She's easygoing. She would get hurt feelings when a customer was mean to her. And I love that about her because when a customer was mean to me, I would silently curse at them in my mind. I would say the most horrible things to that person. I would press the decaf button with glee while I continued cursing. I would hand the person their decaf drink, and give them my usual, "have a good one!" But not Lisa. When a customer was mean to her, she was kind back to them. She was quiet, but kind. The world needs more people like Lisa. People who are full of gentle kindness. So thankful for my friend. Thankful for the things she has taught me. Thankful for her shining example of how to show love and kindness to others when it's not easy to do so.



     Thankful for a wonderful Sunday with my family. Thankful for the green glow of the grass in the evening. Thankful for tiny little flowers. Thankful for balmy baby hands to hold while walking up steep hills. Thankful for the wind blowing through the trees. Thankful for little bouquets of weeds. Thankful for so many amazing people in my life. I'm constantly blown away at how much love surrounds me daily.

   

Mornings spent outside with my favorite people.

Project 365 * 4
Day 543

     Thankful for mornings spent outside with my favorite people. Thankful for so many kisses and hugs today. I love being bombarded with love.

Baby pools full of babies and dogs.

Project 365 * 4
Day 542

   

     Thankful for time to myself this morning. Thankful for afternoons spent playing in pools of cold water with babies and dogs. Thankful for watermelon on hot days. Thankful for time spent with family. Thankful for the way Tobin kisses me over and over again when he gets up from his nap. Like he hasn't seen me in days. Thankful for four sweet somebodies who make my days loud and crazy. But also fun and full. Very full. Full of life and love. 

Poolside picnics by day. Popsicles by night.

Project 365 * 4
Day 541

     That's how we spent our day. Thankful for days spent doing very fun things with my four little loves. Life would be so plain and boring without them.

A list of things I'm thankful for at 11:47 pm.

Project 365 * 4
Day 540

    Thankful for:

-ripe nectarines.

-watermelon.

-heirloom tomatoes. And the way each color tastes slightly different.

-shopping trips with Adelyn. She likes to pick things out to put in our cart. Today, she chose a box of Annie's Mac and Cheese. And she was mad when I didn't make it for dinner. Also...when we went shopping at Trader Joe's yesterday, she begged me, begged, for cauliflower.

-bedtime with Tobin. He likes to read at least 20 books before bed. And he cries when I say, "okay, this is the last one!"

-bedtime for me. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the amount of things I still have to accomplish after I put my kids to bed, but after I complete my to do list, I sleep so peacefully.

-the possibilities of tomorrow.

The three essential P's of summer.

Project 365 * 4
Day 539

     Pool. Playground. Popsicle.

     The pool water was cool at first, but it felt warmer as we swam. That's my favorite way to swim. I hate when I jump into a pool that feels like lukewarm bath water. I like to jump into the cold water because it makes me feel alive and invigorated. And it makes the warm sun on my face more tolerable.

     The playground was deserted. My kids had the whole place to themselves. It was the perfect time to go playgrounding. The sun was just starting to set. The wind was blowing. Adelyn told me, "You're the best mom for taking us here." Yep. That pretty much sums it up.

     The popsicles were homemade. Fresh strawberries, vanilla yogurt, and pineapple coconut water liquefied in the blender and then frozen. We ate them on the front porch as the sun was setting. The front porch is the best place for eating homemade popsicles. Because in order to fully enjoy them, they have to get a bit drippy. And your arms and face have to be very sticky after eating them. Only then has a homemade pop been properly enjoyed.

     Thankful for fun summer days with my babes.

Fun little summer days.

Project 365 * 4
Day 538

Matt and Adelyn about to go on a movie date. 

     Thankful for breezy summer days spent with the ones I love. Thankful for fun playgrounds. Thankful to have bumped into some friends at the playground. I love bumping into people. Especially, and I don't know why, at the grocery store. Thankful for sleeping kids, a sleeping pup, and time to drink tea, watch shows, and read.