Life with Tobin

Life with Tobin

     Life with Tobin is so sweet. He is just the sweetest little boy ever. He loves to nurse. He loves to sleep. He is so beautiful and amazing. I can't stop looking at him. And I just want to hold him all the time. Adelyn loves being a big sister. She doesn't love sharing her Mama and Dada, but she's getting adjusted slowly...each day gets a little better. Tonight, she read a book to "little baby Tobin." That's what she calls him. It's very sweet to see them together. She loves him so much already!

     I am just so proud of my sweet family. And overwhelmed with joy and happiness. My favorite Tobin moments so far are as follows:

1. Feeling my doctor press hard on my belly to get him out. When I complained about the pressure, she replied, "sorry, I know sweetie, I'm trying to get a 10 pound baby outta here!"

2. Hearing him cry for the first time.

3. Hearing my doctor exclaim that Tobin was, "10 pounds, 11 ounces!" (Adelyn weighed 11 lbs, 13 oz and was born at 42 weeks. Tobin weighed 10 lbs, 11 oz and was born at 39 weeks. If we had let Tobin go to 42 weeks, he would have been bigger than Addy! Matt and I make big babies!)

4. Feeling him against my face for the first time.

5. Nursing him for the first time in the recovery room.

6. Bringing him home.

7. Seeing Adelyn kiss him, love him, cuddle him, read to him, sing about him...she's in love with him. As we all are.

8. Watching Matt cuddle him. Which he hardly ever gets to do because I'm selfish, and never want to put him down.

9. Seeing him smile when he finishes nursing. Such a sweet, satisfied, milky smile.

10. Sitting at the table eating dinner as a family. I was talking to Adelyn about our family. I said, "Addy, our family has a Dada, a Mama, Adelyn, Tobin, and Roxy." And just saying those words made me so proud. So. Proud. And I wanted to get down on my knees and thank God for making our family complete. I honestly didn't know if we would make it to this point, and there we were...eating dinner together. It was an amazing feeling. One that words can't even come close to describing.

Tobin is here!

My sweet new love is here. All 10 pounds, 11 ounces of him! I'm way in love!

1 Day Left

1 Day Left

     As I wrote those words, 1 day left, I felt two ways. Excited, and nervous. This time tomorrow night, I will more than likely be cuddling or nursing my sweet new son. Or watching him sleep. Touching his fingers or toes. Studying his face. Smelling him. Feeling his feather like hair.

     This has been such a long journey. The finish line is in sight. We're almost there...

     I cannot wait to have my next blog post be a picture of my new baby.

2 Days Left

2 Days Left

     Had one last date night with my love tonight before our boy comes. It was fun to go out, but dear God...if I'm anywhere else but home, laying down...I am SO uncomfortable! Beyond uncomfortable. And in pain. I told Matt to remind me how uncomfortable I was tonight when we go into the hospital on Monday. Hopefully, it will make it a little less scary for me.

     Adelyn is getting very excited for Tobin's birth! She has been lifting up my shirt and kissing my belly every chance she gets! And she keeps saying, "Tobin is coming in 2 days!" I can't wait for her to meet him!
    

3 Days Left

3 Days Left

     Amazing day! Had my last appointment. As I was driving in...I started getting so emotional thinking about how this has been the longest 39 weeks of my life. It has been scary. It has been 39 weeks of treading water. Trying to keep from drowning in a sea of fear and panic. I really didn't think I would make it to that appointment today. I kept thinking...something...something will happen. And every time I had that thought...I had to fight it. It has been exhausting. The longest journey of my life so far.

     So, here I am, in bed, 3 days before I meet my son, feeling him kick and push my insides...and feeling overwhelmed with joy and peace and hope. I didn't think I'd make it to this point...and here I am. I made it.

     My Mom called me today, and pointed out that Monday, October 15th, is a special day for two reasons. It was last October 15th that we held a memorial service for River. Last year, we were mourning the loss of our sweet daughter. One year later, this coming October 15th, we will be celebrating the birth of our son. How amazing is that?

     So thankful tonight. So, so thankful that I am here. I made it here. Tobin and I, together. And on Monday, we start the next chapter. Aching to hold my son. Aching to kiss his face. I probably won't stop crying for days. What a celebration Monday will be. What an amazing end to this long journey.
    

4 Days Left

4 Days Left

     Did I just write that? 4 days!?! Tonight, while I was saying prayers with Adelyn right before bed, she stopped me when I asked God to bless Tobin. She lifted up my shirt and put her hand on my belly. And she said, "baby in Mama's belly come out soon!" Then she kissed my belly, and smiled the sweetest smile while she cuddled her favorite baby doll...kissing the doll's cheek as she rolled on her side to go to sleep. I felt so much peace at that moment. So thankful for Adelyn who keeps me on my toes for sure, but also teaches me so much about peace. Just by being her.

     I cannot wait for our little family to be four. To be complete.

5 Days Left

5 Days Left

     Packed half of my hospital bag tonight. Stuff for Tobin. A new paci, cute outfits, a new blanket, some hats. Been trying to clean. I just can't resist the insatiable urge I have to clean this house from top to bottom. It's hard to clean when my belly is the size of two basketballs!

     A friend from high school commented on my blog yesterday, saying that her stay in the hospital after her c-section was awesome. I never really thought about my hospital stay that way until I read her comment. I will have from Monday until Thursday to do nothing but lay in bed, and cuddle my new son. And I'm thinking...that's pretty sweet! Thanks, Carrie. Previously, I had been thinking about my hospital stay in a negative way. Mainly because of those nasty trays they wheel over your bed, and those black things they use to keep your food hot. Those two things gross me out. Can't explain it...just OCD thoughts, I guess. But, now...I'm thinking, I literally get to lay in bed and look at my son for four days straight. It's a pretty awesome thought. Can't. Wait.

6 Days Left

6 Days Left

     This time, this day, next Tuesday evening...I will be laying in a hospital bed with my newborn boy.

     I literally don't know what else to say. Words escape me when I think that there are only six days left. Six days until our family becomes four. My hands and arms are literally aching to hold my son. Adelyn can't wait either. She is way excited about all the baby stuff around the house. She talks about Tobin everyday.

     Found it funny that the other day, Addy stopped what she was doing, looked at me, and said, "big belly!" Yep. Even Addy knows it is about that time...

    

7 Days Left

7 Days Left

     Was thinking today about the movie, Click . The one where Adam Sandler has a magic controller that lets him fast forward through the bad moments in life. Or the boring ones. Or the hard ones. Basically, anything unpleasant...he presses this magic button, and he skips past it.

     I go through days where I know without a shadow of a doubt that everything will be okay, and that Tobin will be in my arms in 7 days. I go through days where I know that I have nothing to fear with the c-section. And I go through days where I do nothing but fear and doubt and question and panic. Today was a fearful day. And I found myself thinking this horrible thought: skip. I wish I could click through the c-section, and skip to the good part.

     Shame on me for thinking that. For even letting that thought cross my mind. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had a remote controller with a magic skip button. I am who I am, I know what I know, I live this life because of all the things I've walked through. I can't skip the bad parts. Or the scary parts. Or the parts that broke my heart. I had to walk through them. And if I hadn't walked through a bunch of sad and scary times...I wouldn't have known how amazing and sweet my life is now.

 
    

8 Days Left

8 Days Left

     Interesting day. Having regular contractions for a while. They seem to subside when I lay down for a while. We'll see how well that works with a two-year old running around. :) I'm hoping he waits at least a few more days...I don't even have my bag packed!

     Celebrated A.J.'s birthday today. My Dad made dinner, and I wanted to eat like 10 plates. Schnitzel, mashed potatoes, red cabbage, brussel sprouts, biscuits, and gravy. Amazing doesn't even begin to cover it. It was beyond amazing. Love spending time with my family. And we had fun even though I was having contractions the whole time.

    

9 Days Left

9 Days Left

     Single digits. 9 days. Loving that.

     Good day. Awesome day actually. Patty was released from the hospital! We are so thankful that baby girl and Patty are healthy! Had breakfast with Matt and Adelyn. It was such a sweet time with our little girl. Especially when Addy told us that being at breakfast was fun and special. She smiled and said, "this is fun, special!" Came home and watched a movie. Napped. All of us. Spent time with my family. Perhaps the best moment of my day was when I said to Adelyn, "I love you!" And she replied back, "I love you too!" That was a magic moment. The first time she said it back to me. So, of course, I replied back, "Aww, I love you too, baby!" And she replied, "I love you too!" We went back and forth like that for some time.

     Awesome day.

10 Days Left

10 Days Left

     Strange day. Stressful, then good, then stressful again. Praying for my sister and her baby girl tonight. She fell on her stomach today, and is in the hospital. Thankful for sweet Adelyn and sweet Casey. They are a handful, for sure. But, they are just so sweet and innocent that it can make a bad day seem brighter. So far, everything looks good, but we are still waiting to get the 100% all clear for her to go home. Praying that happens tomorrow morning.
    
     Tobin is growing bigger and bigger. The other night, I was sleeping, and his kick to the side of my stomach hurt so bad, I woke up suddenly. It made me scream out, "ouch!" I get the feeling that he won't be fitting into any of the newborn outfits I have in his drawers. My doctor thinks he's big too. And she said she can't wait to meet my son. She said she's always excited to meet every new baby, but then there are those special patients...who she can't wait to deliver. I can't wait either.

     Got out all our baby stuff the other day. One such item is the swing. Adelyn has taken a particular liking to the swing, and loves to rock her babies to sleep in it. She is going to be an amazing big sister. Can't wait to hold both my babies in my arms. What a feeling of "complete" that will be. Whole. Complete. Home.

11 Days Left

11 Days Left

     Had my apple pie fix...and it was magnificent. Matt's Mom made a delicious apple pie that we devoured after eating an incredible steak dinner. Mario can cook a mean steak. I'm not a fan of steak when it is cooked by someone else other than my Dad. But, Mario did himself proud tonight. He made the cut.

     There comes a point in every woman's pregnancy when she looks in the mirror at her ginormous belly...and thinks...well, what the hell? I'm huge anyways, might as well enjoy what I'm eating. Not that I haven't indulged or had treats during my pregnancy. I have. I'm talking about this point: I was getting a bath the other day to try and relieve the pain in my back and the pressure on my belly when Matt walked in with a big piece of chocolate cake. Of course...I wanted a bite. As he fed me a few bites of cake...I had to laugh at myself. There I am...huge and pregnant, eating cake in the tub.

     So, yeah...I'm at that point in my pregnancy where I'm like...cake in the tub? Sure! Apple pie and ice cream after a luscious steak dinner? You bet ya! Besides...breastfeeding will take care of those extra pounds in a snap!

     Did I mention...11 days! Eleven. My son will be here in 11 days.

12 Days Left

12 Days Left

     Scratch that whole "burst of energy" thing. It was short-lived. I kept looking at the clock today thinking, "is it naptime yet...is it bedtime yet?" Not that I am not enjoying time with my girl...even though she threw about 5 tantrums today...I am enjoying my time with her. Tantrums or no tantrums...these are my last days just with her. That's crazy. Anyways, enjoying my sweet time with her, but I am just so exhausted. I could sleep all day.

     Also...craving apples. I want like 10 pink lady apples. Pink lady apples are my favorite. Warm apple pie with ice cream and fresh whip wouldn't be bad either...

13 Days Left

13 Days Left

     Nesting is in full effect. Burst of energy. Needing to clean and organize and such. I'm hoping this doesn't mean labor is right around the corner. I'm super anxious to meet my little boy, but I need my last few days. To be with my girl. And clean. And organize. And such...

14 Days Left

14 Days Left

     Had a revelation.

     I'm scared of having a c-section for 4 reasons. 1. Went in to have Adelyn, and something went terribly wrong. We both made it through, but it was the most terrifying experience I've ever had. 2. We lost River. That was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Giving birth to a child who won't make it. 3. The unknown. I have no idea what will happen. I don't know the future. Doubts, fears, and questions constantly bombard my thoughts. 4. It's normal to be nervous. Women who have 5 kids still get nervous. It's a big thing. To birth a child.

     Today, when I was pulling into my neighborhood from hanging out with Patty and Casey, this scene popped in my head from the movie Apollo 13:

     It is toward the end of the movie. NASA is waiting for Apollo 13 to return to earth. The NASA director is talking to another man. They are talking about everything that can go wrong. Catastrophe after catastrophe. That's all they're thinking about. The director says to the man, "This will be the worst disaster NASA's ever faced." Then, this other man who has been listening in, and who has been doing everything in his power to get the astronauts back home, chimes in with this: "With all due respect, sir, I believe this is going to be our finest hour."

     I'm scared. I'm nervous. Probably won't stop being nervous. But, I believe...on the 15th...it's going to be my finest hour. Because I'm going to try my very best to be brave and courageous. And because the payoff for the longest 39 weeks of my life will be my son. My Tobin.