Friday, June 30, 2017

Breezy.

June 30, 2017
Day 273

This day was breezy. Breezy weather makes me happy. I love feeling the wind on my skin and watching the trees sway.

My husband is amazing and sweet and loves me so much.

My parents are spending the night, and it makes me feel home whenever I sleep under the same roof as my parents.

Today was a good day.

I love watching birds. They are fascinating.

Higbee is sleeping in the basement with my dad.

Thankful. 

Thursday, June 29, 2017

A good Thursday.

June 29, 2017
Day 272

Thankful for people who love me and pray for me.

Thankful for a glorious breezy evening.

Thankful for my parents, my sister, my husband, my kids, my nieces, and nephew.

Thankful for dogs.

Thankful for salad made with lots of cilantro.

Thankful for hot tea.

Thankful for lightning bugs. There must of been a thousand of them in the woods by my favorite hill tonight. They were beautiful to watch.

Thankful for sleepovers in the basement.

Thankful for Bible verses that comfort me when I'm feeling full of doubt and fear.

Thankful that tomorrow is Friday.

Thankful for The Office. 

Thankful for a good day.


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

A list for a Wednesday.

June 28, 2017
Day 271

We looked at houses today and found a house we really love.

My babies looked beautiful playing outside in the evening sun. They love birds, and whenever they see one, it's like they're seeing one for the first time. They especially love cardinals.

I hung out with my sister tonight. We sat and talked and laughed. Laughing with Patty is medicine for my soul.

My parents are coming over tomorrow.

Matt is sweet and loving and kind and patient with me.

It's time to lay in bed and relax and watch, The Office. 

It was cool outside this evening.

Thankful. 

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

59 degrees.

June 27, 2017
Day 270

My dad came over to work on our master bathroom. 

My mom came with him and spent the day with us. 

We got new beach toys today. 

I took the kids to the pool after dinner. It's always fun to swim after dinner. 

We read books today.

We laughed.

We sang Moana songs.

The weather was beautiful today. This evening was gorgeous. Any time the temperature is below 60 in the middle of summer, that's a good thing. Right now it's 59 degrees. 

We're looking at houses tomorrow. 

Vacation is coming. 

Armando is back home after being gone for many weeks. I'm happy for my sister! 

Higbee and my parent's dog, Goose, like to play and rough house. It's hilarious and cute. 

Thankful.



Monday, June 26, 2017

Things that made me happy today!

June 26, 2017
Day 269

The sunset tonight was pink and purple and glowy and magnificent. 

Tobin likes to help me water the flowers each morning. 

Tobin asks me this question at least 20 times a day: "Mama, I wanna hold you?" Translation: Tobin is asking me to hold him. He still says it like a baby, and I am certainly not going to correct him. 

Today, Tobin told me that I was the sweetest mama in the whole wide world and that I was so beautiful. He also told me that he doesn't want any other mama except me. He says I'm the best. Basically, Tobin follows me around all day telling me how wonderful I am and asking me to hold him. Life with Tobin is simply marvelous. 

The kids begged to go the library today. I never say no to books. We have a basket full of library books to read. And some books on tape. And a puzzle that Tobin insisted we check out. 

Adelyn Bailey was a bit more difficult today. But even on difficult days, I am so thankful for her sweet little face, her zany sense of style, and the way she loves me no matter what. As her birthday approaches, I have been thinking about the day she was born. I've never seen anything more miraculous or beautiful or breathtaking in my whole life. She's my lighthouse. 

I am so in love with spending every minute of every day at home with my babies. 

We looked at pictures and videos tonight of when the kids were little. It made my heart ache that time marches on so steadily. 

Looking forward to the beach!

I talked with my cousin about going to a roller derby training class. I'm so there!

Thankful.



Sunday, June 25, 2017

Lovely Sunday.

June 25, 2017
Day 268

     This day was lovely. We slept in. We went to church. We had a good lunch. Matt and I made out for a good while. The kids and I went on a walk. They ate pops outside and got all sticky. My parents came over and we had dinner together. Higbee was especially happy to see my parents. He saw their car pull in before we did. My mom and the kids and I went to Wegman's specifically to purchase ice cream. That's the best kind of grocery shopping trip. The trip to purchase ice cream only. Adelyn lost a tooth and wrote the tooth fairy a letter, as she always does. This time, she asked the tooth fairy to bring her cookies. Cookies are much easier on the tooth fairy than the request for "real dentist tools" was. Our house is clean and quiet and ready for pictures tomorrow. It was a beautiful Sunday.

     Thankful. 

Saturday, June 24, 2017

Movie under the stars!

June 24, 2017
Day 267

There was dancing today.

There was singing today.

There was library time today.

There was "going out to dinner" time.

There was a movie under the stars time.

There was a dessert time.

It was a great day.

Thankful. 


Friday, June 23, 2017

Today was lovely. Today was hard.

June 23, 2017
Day 266

     Today was lovely. Patty and I had a coffee while the kids climbed trees and collected roly poly bugs and observed ants collecting large crumbs of blueberry muffins that our kids dropped. I fixed up our backyard with flowers and new mulch. It looks pretty. Adelyn, Tobin, and I went for a walk in the rain in our bare feet. It feels so good to walk outside in bare feet in the summertime. Especially on warm grass that has just been rained on. We went to the library at my children's request, but it was closed. Tobin was especially upset about the library being closed. He is working on reading 1,000 books before Kindergarten. He's filled up one paper of 100 books, and he wants to get the next one. He was very disappointed. We shopped at Wegman's. We read books. We cuddled. We rested. We loved. It was a good day, and I'm very thankful I had it to enjoy.

     Today was hard. My mind threatened to slip away from me into fear and doubt and panic. I have no idea why. I go through periods of time where I have to try hard to stay focused on whatever is good and lovely. Sometimes, I want to give in and give up because it's exhausting to try and keep your head above the water when you're drowning. But when I feel like it might be easier to give up, I look at Adelyn and Tobin. And then I know that I can't ever give up.

     I just recently read, Out of the Silent Planet, by C.S. Lewis. There is a part where the main character, Ransom, is having a conversation with a creature he befriended on another planet. Ransom is asking the creature questions about another dangerous creature that lives in the water there. Ransom is asking his friend if they are afraid because of this evil beast that lurks in the water. The friend replies with something profound:

"I do not think the forest would be so bright, nor the water so warm, nor love so sweet, if there were no danger in the lakes."

     I think the same can be true of anxiety. It is a horrible beast that lurks in the water. When it shows up, I'm afraid. But, would time be so valuable or happy days so wonderful if there wasn't danger in the water?

     Thankful for perspective. Thankful for peaceful moments. Thankful for people worth fighting the anxiety beast for. Thankful for bright spots during a hard day. Thankful that tomorrow is new and fresh. Thankful for Adelyn and Tobin. Thankful for Matt. For my family. For Patty. For dogs. For sparrows. For blue sky. For rain. For flowers. For things to be thankful for.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Ocean Eyes.

June 22, 2017
Day 265

We had a great time at the pool with Patty and her kids.

I fixed our front garden up nice and pretty.

The kids and I had dinner at Panera. They were both impressed.

My kids watched a movie in bed on the Kindle because it's summertime.

I've discovered that both of my children have eyes that resemble the ocean. Adelyn's are the bluest that ocean water can be. Tobin's are a perfect greenish tannish. They look like sea water looks when the sun is shining brightly through it.

It is so good to be home with my babies and to take care of them.

I turned the thermostat way down tonight. I'm sick of sleeping in a hot, sticky room. I love cold air on my skin.

I have the whole summer to look forward to.

I stayed up late cleaning to get our house ready to go on the market, but it's okay because I can sleep in tomorrow.

Thankful. 


Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Five.

June 21, 2017
Day 264

I missed my babies so much when they were spending the night at Patty's. It was so good to bring them home and take care of them.

It was very good to read books in bed after bath time tonight. I love to cuddle with my babes.

The finish line is in sight in terms of getting our house ready to see.

I got to spend time with my mom and my sister and all the kids.

It was a pleasant day.

Thankful

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Six things on a Tuesday.

June 20, 2017
Day 263

Matt and I accomplished a lot today!

My babes had a great day at the pool with their cousins.

My mom came out to help watch the kids so Patty and I could go out and get haircuts together.

We're going to the beach soon and I am excited to smell the salty sea air and feel the misty ocean wind on my skin.

It was fun to drive with my sister tonight.

I miss my babies. They're having another sleepover with their cousins so I can get the house ready.

Thankful. 

Monday, June 19, 2017

Sleepover. Rainbow. Sunset.

June 19, 2017
Day 262

Patty and my mom are watching my kids so we can get our house on the market. They are having a sleepover.

Tobin told me many times that he would miss me very much.

Adelyn's hair looked very blond today.

My dad drove all the way out here tonight to fix a leaky valve.

Higbee has been very cuddly lately.

Matt and I accomplished a lot today.

There was a rainbow after the storm today.

The sunset was beautiful. It made me happy to be alive.

Thankful. 



Sunday, June 18, 2017

A fine Father's Day.

June 18, 2017
Day 261

We had a delicious brunch this morning. Bacon, sausage, and eggs always taste better on Sundays.

My mom painted our guest bathroom for us. It looks fresh and clean.

My dad worked on our master bathroom for us. It's a huge job, and he worked on it on Father's Day.

We accomplished a lot today in terms of getting the house ready to put on the market.

We had a wonderful dinner at my sister's house. London broil, loaded baked potatoes, and salad. And ice cream. Bowls of ice cream make me happy. If I could choose only one food to eat for the rest of my life, I would choose ice cream and I'm not ashamed to say it.

We all watched a series called, The Hunt, on Netflix. We're big on shows about nature and animals in my family.

I got to give baby Odette a bath tonight. I think she's starting to recognize me. She smiles when she sees me.

I woke up to Higbee cuddling in bed with me this morning.

Adelyn and Tobin have been very patient while we work on getting the house ready.

I loved the feeling of the wind on my skin today.

Steph and Mario are kind enough to let us store all of our stuff in their house while we move. When I go to unload more things, Mario always comes to help me. Today, Mario and his dad helped me.

I talked with my grandparents today. I love them so much.

Thankful. 

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Eleven things to be thankful for.

June 17, 2017
Day 260

Our middle level has been painted thanks to Matt and Patty. It looks so pretty!

I made cinnamon sugar popcorn for the kids today. It was tasty.

I love when I have a fridge full of delicious things to eat. Things like strawberries, yogurt, cottage cheese, hummus.

I cut my finger on one of those packing tape dispenser things today. Those blades are super sharp. It hurt so bad and I might have freaked out for a moment, but Matt was very sweet with me. He got me a towel and fixed me up.

Tomorrow is Father's Day. We have a nice breakfast planned for Matt, and a delicious dinner planned out for my dad and Matt.

I got some lotion from one of my students as a gift, and it smells heavenly.

I got to watch baby Odette today and she was very smiley and sweet.

I got to hang with Tobin and Phia while Patty took the bigs to a class party, and Tobin and Phia are so chill together. It was fun being home with them.

Patty took my kids to Susan's with her for dinner tonight so Matt and I could work. It was such a huge help.

My kids looked very sweet tucked into bed together tonight.

Tobin fell out of bed and kept sleeping while he was laying in the floor.

Thankful. 


Friday, June 16, 2017

Front tooth.

June 16, 2017
Day 259

I loved the clouds today. It kept the temperature down.

We went to Trader Joe's this morning.

Adelyn, Tobin, Casey, Phia, and Odette make me feel so proud and happy.

We watched lots of movies today. It was cozy.

Patty and Matt are painting right now

We had a nice lunch today.

I made roasted chicken for dinner and it smelled amazing.

Tomorrow begins the first weekend of the summer break.

Adelyn lost a front tooth today.

The kids are all tucked into bed and it's​ raining.

Thankful.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

First day of summer.

June 15, 2017
Day 258

Today was a great first day of summer vacation.

We cuddled in bed. We slept. We cuddled. We watched a movie. We walked Higbee.

We went out to breakfast.

Tobin asked me to hold him several times today.

Matt and Patty painted and what they've done so far looks amazing.

We don't have to set any alarms in the morning.

I got to babysit Odette, the bigs, and the littles.

Thankful. 

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Last day of school.

June 14, 2017
Day 257

It was the last day of school! Yippee!

I received so many lovely cards today.

I finished packing up my classroom thanks to Matt.

I'm so excited for summer vacation.

I cannot wait to cuddle with both of my babies tomorrow.

I'm excited to spend the day with Higbee tomorrow.

Thankful. 

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Last day.

June 13, 2017
Day 256

Tomorrow is the last day of school! I cannot wait for the end of it.

I cannot wait to be lazy on Thursday.

I got to take care of baby Odette tonight.

I have a warm bed time to lay in at night.

My babies are cuddled together in Tobin's room.

It is supposed to be cooler tomorrow than it was today.

The 5th graduation is tomorrow at my school and I'm excited to watch it.

Patty made us dinner and it was lovely.

Thankful. 

Monday, June 12, 2017

A fine Monday.

June 12, 2017
Day 255

For sweet smelling freshly washed hair.

For soft skin with lotion on it.

For many hugs and kisses and cuddles and laughs and conversations and good moments with my babies today.

Summer break is so close I can almost taste it. I cannot wait to lay in bed and be lazy on Thursday morning. The kids and I will have breakfast in bed and watch a movie and it will be glorious.

For apples with peanut butter.

Phia said something absolutely hilarious today and it was good to laugh hard.

For phone calls with my mama.

For emails from my dad.

Thankful. 

Sunday, June 11, 2017

Blue, yellow, chestnut brown, purple, violet, indigo.

June 11, 2017
Day 254

     Adelyn never stops talking. Or moving. Or singing. Or humming. Or asking questions. It is exhausting. On some days, her incessant talking makes my brain feel like a blender. Today was one of those days. We were driving home from Patty's house, and I was trying to think. I was thinking about house stuff, school stuff, working out, getting groceries, vacation, staying calm, the car...my mind was going a hundred miles a minute. And all the while, there was Adelyn talking in the background. In all honesty, my brain probably feels like a blender because of me, not Adelyn's talking. When I finally just could not concentrate any longer, I started giving my 100% attention to what Adelyn was talking about. It was: favorite colors. This is how the conversation went:

Adelyn: Mom, my favorite color is blue...it's a peaceful color.

Me: Yes, that's nice.

Adelyn: (one minute later) Actually, my favorite color is yellow.

Me: Hmmmm.

Adelyn: (one minute later) My favorite color is chestnut brown.

Me: Wow. that's an interesting---

Adelyn: (interrupting) It's purple. My favorite color is purple.

Me: (stares at Adelyn for 2 seconds)

Adelyn: (2 seconds later) It's violet. Violet is a pretty color.

Me: (silence)

Adelyn: You know what, I've decided: it's indigo. Do you know what indigo looks like?

     Sometimes, it all comes back to me like a ton of bricks. Those ordinary, everyday, conversations about favorite color moments are the most important moments of all. I can't skip them. I can't think through them. I have to quiet my mind in order to listen to the one who changed my life forever. I don't think I knew anything about love or beauty or life or death or raw, real moments until the doctor first placed Adelyn on my chest.

     Thankful for favorite colors. Thankful for my Adelyn girl. She'll always be my lighthouse.





Saturday, June 10, 2017

Five things on a Saturday.

June 10, 2017
Day 253

We went and saw some houses today.

I got to see my mama today.

I got to see some of my favorite ladies tonight for a fun dinner.

It was a pretty day. And any day I get see wide open spaces of sky and earth is a good day.

I have another day left of the weekend.

Thankful. 


Friday, June 9, 2017

Five on a Friday.

June 9, 2017
Day 252

For end of the year parties.

For my bed.

For time to sleep.

For laughter with friends.

For a fun day planned tomorrow.


Thursday, June 8, 2017

By the light of the moon.

June 8, 2017
Day 251

For friends who told me they were thankful for me today.

For love notes written in pretty penmanship by the light of the moon and left to be discovered in my husband's car.

For my Adelyn girl. I snapped at her tonight after dinner, and she got hurt feelings. But she forgave me and then told me I was the best mom in the world. She makes my small Grinch heart grow three sizes each day.

For Tobin. He is into doing impressions and I make him do his, "Lambert the Sheepish Lion," impression every day. I want to hold him forever.

For 4 1/2 days of school left. I can't wait for Thursday, June 15th. I'm going to do a lot sleeping.

For my students. I will miss them.

For sleepy Higbee.

Thankful. 


Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Moonlight Dancing.

June 7, 2018
Day 250

For these words, "You speak to the storm, and the waves die down. I was lost in the water. You speak to my heart. When I breathe I admit that I need you."

For moments of peace. For moments of quiet. For moments of clarity.

For power, love, and a sound mind.

For drives down dark roads with the moonlight dancing on my windshield.

For nothing but the sound of stillness in my mind.

For trees. I love them so. There are days when I feel a strong urge to run to them.

For the sound of laughter in the bathroom when it's steamy from a hot bath.

For smiles warm and inviting to look at.

For eyes that smile along with the mouth when it smiles.

For dogs.

For sweet children to call my own.

For summer. For plans to do nothing but be with my children and play with them, and ride bikes with them, and swim with them, and eat ice cream with them.

For my husband. He loves me so madly, and I couldn't be more thankful for him, his love, and his kisses and hugs.

For books. The bookstore is good for my soul.

Thankful. 

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Me Lady.

June 6, 2017
Day 249

I love the smell of my home and my bed and my children and my dog and my husband.

It was glorious outside today.

There are only a few days left of school.

Matt opened the car door for me today and said, "me lady..." He makes me smile.

I got a bonus check at work today!

Patty watched the kids for us while we went out to look at houses today.

Tomorrow is Wednesday. It will be a busy day but a good one.

I'm looking forward to summer vacation.

Thankful. 




Monday, June 5, 2017

Monday Night.

June 5, 2017
Day 248

For rain.

For clouds.

For the amazing people I work with.

For my sweet angels, Adelyn and Tobin. I love kissing them goodnight.

For an exciting day tomorrow. Matt and I are going to look at houses!

For a sleepy Higbee.

For time​ to cuddle with my husband.

For phone calls with a good friend.

For messages with a good friend.

For Patty who is going to watch our kids tomorrow.

Thankful. 

Sunday, June 4, 2017

On the other side of a long sleep.

June 4, 2017
Day 247

I am thankful for my home. For these walls that have housed us for many years. For these walls that have protected my babies from wind and rain and cold. I am thankful for the memories we have made here. I am thankful for the good times that we've spent here. I'm thankful for the hard times. I'm thankful that it was surrounded by these walls that we became a family. I'm thankful that there was much love here. There still is. I will miss this home when we move away from it.

I am thankful for my family. I am thankful that we like to get together on Sundays.

I am thankful for fresh basil. What an amazing smell.

I am thankful for sleepy Higbee. He helps me sleep better at night just be being his sleepy, cuddly, furry self.

I am thankful for flowers blooming in our front garden.

I am thankful for spiders.

I am thankful for this: I feel like a huge failure as a parent sometimes. But whenever I'm feeling that feeling of failure, one of my children will say something brilliant that makes me forget that feeling of failure. And instead of that feeling of failure, I feel a sense of pride that I am raising such a fine human being. This exact situation happened to me today.

I am thankful for the way the sunlight looks when it comes through the windows.

I am thankful for the way my babes look at me when I tuck them into bed. Kissing my sweet ones goodnight is one of my favorite things to do. Their eyes are so big and innocent and sleepy at night. I love the way they cuddle with me while we say our goodnight prayers.

I am thankful that tomorrow is a brand new day. I love fresh, new days. I love that there is always a new day waiting just on the other side of a long sleep.

Thankful. 


Saturday, June 3, 2017

Productive Saturday.

June 3, 2017
Day 246

This day was productive.

My kids were very cuddly today.

It was a beautiful day. Warm, but with a steady breeze of cooler air.

It was good to be with family today.

Higbee had a good vet appointment. He's very healthy.

I'm exhausted, so I couldn't be happier about bed time.

Thankful.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Lambert.

June 2, 2017
Day 245

It's Friday.

It was a beautiful day today.

We had dinner at Patty's, and I got to take care of Odette.

Higbee is cuddled with me right now.

Adelyn cuddled with me while we read, Farmer Boy tonight.

Tobin does a really good impression of Lambert the Sheepish Lion.

I had a good conversation with my friend, Jason, tonight.

I love getting texts from friends that say, "I'm thinking about you."

So happy it's the weekend.

Thankful. 

Thursday, June 1, 2017

Two things that quiet the monster.

June 1, 2017
Day 244

I love glorious mornings. This morning was cool, the grass was full of dew, and the birds were singing just because it was the morning. I think it's a lovely way to start a new day. With singing just because.

When Higbee is tired, his ears droop down low on the side of his head, and he looks like Yoda. I love to kiss his face when he has his Yoda ears. Also, he closes his eyes when I kiss his face. That means he loves me. Fact.

The sunset was amazing tonight. There is this one spot in Gainesville at the very top of an overpass where I like to drive during the sunset. It has the best view because there is nothing to block it. I love places where I can see the wide open sky.

I've been reading, Out of the Silent Planet, by C.S. Lewis. I adore C.S. Lewis. His words are beautiful. Last night, I came across these words in his book: "At that moment, he was unconscious of everything except his fear. He did not even know what he was afraid of: the fear itself possessed his whole mind, a formless, infinite misgiving." I know this formless monster. I know the feeling of not feeling anything else at all except for fear. And it's terrifying. Lewis writes on: "He did not lose consciousness, though he greatly wished that he might do so. Any change--death or sleep, or, best of all, a waking which would show all this for a dream--would have been inexpressibly welcome. None came." I've wished for an "any change." I've been there. And it's a torturous hell. Distractions don't silence it. Alcohol doesn't silence it. Cigarettes don't silence it. Even my endless supply of xanax didn't silence it.  I have found only two things that will quiet this monster for me. Writing every day about what I'm thankful for. And God.

Thankful.