73. Extra Cuddles from Adelyn

Day 73. Extra Cuddles from Adelyn

     It is time. We had to start weaning Addy B from her pacifier...lovingly known as her "cici." She turns two in August, and with Tobin on the way...we have quite the list to accomplish. Well, really only two things, but they are huge things. Wean her off of pacifiers, and move her to a big girl bed. Yikes! Scary stuff. For me, at least. It also means that my little one is growing up. I can't believe how fast time ticks on.

     We were expecting a bad day. Adelyn is straight up addicted to her pacifiers. She loves them. She did so awesome, though. The only time she was fussy was when she was tired, and it only meant that Matt and I got in some extra cuddles and hugs. And we both happen to love cuddles and hugs from our girl. It was a good day. Thankful Addy still loves to curl up with me, and that she lets me hold her like a baby when she's sad.

72. It's kinda like winter...only hot.

Day 72. It's kinda like winter...only hot.

     Part of the reason why I love winter is because there is no hot sun baking us away outside. The other reason is because I get to stay cozy in our warm home with my loves. We hunker down with blankets, hot chocolate, movies, sweet things to snack on, and hearty, warm meals to fill our bellies.

     With this hellacious heatwave...I find myself feeling like it's winter out there. Only hot. We stay inside. But, instead of the cozy winter must-haves...we opt for flowing sun dresses and shorts, ice cold drinks, movies, sweet things to snack on, and light meals.

     The cozy feeling is the same. The only difference is the temperature outside. Thankful for a few days of extreme heat because it means I get to hunker down in my cool, cozy home with my loves.

71. Ethan

Day 71. Ethan

     I had the great pleasure today of holding my new little cousin. Well, my cousin's son. So, I guess that would make Ethan my second cousin. No matter. It was awesome to see Lauren. I am forever amazed at the miracle of life. And not just the act of giving birth (which way too many people focus on these days), but the strength and ambition it takes to nurture and sustain another tiny life. She is doing such an amazing job. So loving. So selfless.

     It was so wonderful to hold him. It has been so long since I held a tiny baby. I forgot how small babies are at first. I love the noises they make. I love how they need their Mama constantly. I loved smelling him. His head, his sweet milky breath. He was so perfect. He made my day.

     Thankful for sweet baby boys. I cannot wait to see mine.

70. Out of the dark.

Day 70. Out of the dark.

     Tonight after dinner, Matt, Adelyn, Roxy, and I were all in the living room. Addy and Matt were having their usual tickle/laughter/father-daughter fun session when all of the sudden, Adelyn stopped and shouted, "River, River, River!" She was pointing to a picture of River's sweet feet we have on a table in our living room.

     Addy is aware that there was a girl named, River. She pulls at the necklace I wear daily and says, "River." She looks at the picture of her feet. She examines all the items we have in River's memorial case. She points at them, and says very knowingly, "River."

     I still hurt from losing her. I still long and ache to hold my baby girl. I cry for her. I wonder what life would have been like if she was still here. I'm still angry sometimes. Mostly at a couple of people who said: she never was. They said she didn't deserve a memorial service because no one had any memory of her. They thought it was inappropriate. Even writing those words makes my entire body tense in extreme anger.

     They are wrong. I have strong memories of River. So do all the other people that loved her. What an amazing life she was. I still see her from time to time. Whenever a butterfly decides to visit me.

     Tonight, after Addy pointed to River's picture and shouted her name, it brought back a flood of memories. I remember listening to Florence + the Machine's, Cosmic Love over and over after she passed. It reminds me of her. Well, mostly, the pain I felt after losing her.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became


     As I sat there in the living room tonight, remembering River, I started thinking about where I was after I lost her. The mental state I was in. The depth of sorrow I felt. I was in the darkness. It took months for me to find my way back. I also thought this: if I hadn't lost River, I would never have been able to get pregnant with Tobin.

     I miss her. I want to hold her. It would be easy for me to slip back into the darkness. But, then I think about all I have learned and experienced in my journey back to the light. There aren't enough words to describe how thankful I am for both my daughters, and my son that grows inside me. I'm thankful to be out of the dark.

    

69. I remember...

Day 69. I remember...

     Awesome day. Beautiful weather. Perfect day for the park. Adelyn, Casey, Patty, Omi, and I had an awesome day at Burke Lake Park. We took a train ride, and a spin on the carousel. We had a lovely picnic under some nice big trees. We played on a playground.

     While we were walking around at the park today, Patty was saying how she remembered going there as a child. She had fond memories of riding the train, and she was happy that we could bring our children back to the park that she had loved as a little girl. I agree with her. How awesome. My Mom brought us there as children. We loved the train. Today, we went with our Mom, and our kids. And our kids loved the train.

     I am so so thankful that I can spend days like today with my sweet daughter, and my family. I'm thankful that when Adelyn looks back on her childhood, she can say...I remember that day we rode the train at the park. And maybe one day, I can go there with her and her children.

   

68. Words to Treasure

Day 68. Words to Treasure

     I was looking through one of my old journals tonight. In it was something I had long ago forgotten. I had given Matt's dad, Bill, a Father's day card, and he had sent me an email, thanking me for it. I printed it out, and taped it in my journal. This is what it said:

Christen, 

I wanted to thank you very very much for the beautiful Father's Day card. It made my day entirely. ...I do treasure it!

I am so happy that you and Matt care for each other so much. I think you are wonderful, and inasmuch as a dad wants nothing but the best for his children, I can say that Matt has found, "the best." Thanks for all of your help and love and caring.

Bill

     Reading this little note from Bill tonight made me think hard. About words spoken. I remember how good I felt reading this email from him. It made my day entirely. Tonight, I am thankful for Bill. And his kind words to me. I'm thankful for things that stand the test of time. Like words. That stay even after a person has gone ahead of us. I want to strive to make it so that after I'm gone, people will remember my words as kind words. Not words of hostility, gossip, anger, and hate. But words of joy, truth, kindness, and love.

     I am also thankful for forgiveness. I spoke unkind words to someone I love today. Yet, this person loves me anyways. Thank you.

  
    
   

67. Watching Adelyn Eat

Day 67. Watching Adelyn Eat

     I love watching Adelyn eat any kind of food. She would rather eat broccoli and any kind of fruit than pudding. What kid refuses to even try a creamy vanilla substance on a spoon? What kid says, no...I'd rather eat my broccoli. With no butter or salt. Just steamed broccoli.
  
     When she's done with her meal, she's in the habit of saying, "ummm, hmmm..." Then she smiles a very mischievous smile, and says, "cookie?"
    
     Watching her eat ice cream is serious entertainment. When ice cream is mentioned, she willingly drops her pacifier and her baby to the floor, and walks briskly to where the ice cream is. A spoon doesn't get it in her mouth fast enough. She uses her hand to shovel it in much more quickly.

     She amazes me.

66. Embarrassing Joy

Day 66. Embarrassing Joy

     I heard about something rather disturbing the other day. My Mom asked me if I had heard about the woman who was bullied on the bus by young boys. I hadn't, because unless it has to do with rainbows and butterflies...I simply cannot handle it at this point in my life. I cannot watch the news. I cannot look at any kind of news websites, and sometimes, even things posted on Facebook are alarmingly disturbing to me. We live in an age where we are constantly bombarded with negativity. We as a people are plagued with too much information. And that, in my humble opinion, breeds fear. I mean, think about it, you can't even buy a container of Morton's salt anymore without having the word: CANCER plastered in huge pink letters across the front. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for organizations that raise money to find cures for things like cancer. However, I just feel like it's information overload. You can't go through one day without being reminded that there are terrible things like cancer, flesh-eating bacteria, shootings, murders, child molesters...the list is literally ENDLESS. It is exhausting. To constantly be bombarded with fear, doubt, and information.

     So, naturally, I hadn't heard about this poor woman. After talking to my Mom, I watched a short portion of the video. I turned it off halfway through...around the part where the woman started crying. I was in awe. Dumbfounded. How. How are there children like this out there in the world. The answer is simple. Adults. Parents. Elders. We are raising a generation of children to be fearful, to be negative, to be selfish, to be mean. To think of themselves before all others.

     After watching the short bit of video...I recalled something I had read by Douglas Adams. In his book called, The Salmon of Doubt, there is a short story called, "The Rhino Climb." I am not normally a fan of science fiction...this book just caught my eye years and years ago. I'm glad that it did. This particular short story is about Adams and a small group of people that go to Kenya to support Adams's sister, Jane, who was doing work for Save the Rhino International. Their quest was to climb to the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro taking turns wearing a rhino costume. He says that they come across this one village where,

"the whole village had turned out to greet us with enormous enthusiasm. We sat and watched, panting in the heat and sluicing ourselves with bottled water, as children of the village put on a display of dancing and choral singing that was, frankly, amazing. When I say children, I'm not just talking about seven-year-olds, I'm talking about seventeen-year-olds as well."

     They stayed for a bit, and when it came time for them to leave, this is what Adams writes about the experience. And it has always stayed with me, and struck me...these words,

"When at last we left, the children danced along with us for several miles, laughing and singing improvised songs--one of them would start, and the others would quickly pick it up and join in. The words seem oddly dated, don't they? It all sounds rather naive and sentimental to be talking about children laughing and dancing and singing together when we all know perfectly well that what children do in real life is snarl and take drugs. But these children/kids/youths, and all the ones we came across on our journey, were happy in a way that we in the West are almost embarrassed by."

    Perhaps...if we as a people could stray from the mainstream...and become like these children who were, "happy in a way that we in the West are almost embarrassed by," the world wouldn't be such a scary place. And things like an old woman being bullied on a bus wouldn't happen.


     I am so forever thankful that I have the family that I do. And for my daughter...who teaches me daily to forget the negativity, and to focus on joy in life. She is my inspiration. My sunshine. And she makes me want to laugh and dance and sing in a way that some might be embarrassed by.


     

   

65. Time

Day 65. Time

     I don't have anywhere to be. I don't have anywhere to go. I get to be with my daughter all day long. Each day is a new adventure for us. Each day is a blessing. I truly feel so blessed to be able to stay at home with my girl. And my boy when he arrives. :) We can take our time getting out of our pajamas in the morning. We can eat a leisurely breakfast. We can have lazy days.

     I so so love that I am able to be a stay at home Mama. It is truly the greatest job I have ever had. I am so blessed. I wouldn't trade this life for anything.

64. "Don't worry, baby."

Day 64. "Don't worry, baby."

     Such a simple statement. I've heard it a million times from Matt. Maybe more than a million. I've never heard it the way I heard it this morning.

     I was getting Adelyn down from her high chair, and there were bits of peach and toast on her dress. As I cleaned her up, she leaned forward. Way forward. To my belly. She is very much aware of the little baby that grows inside me. Perhaps more aware than I had known. She touched my belly. And smiled. A huge, sweet, knowing smile. And she said, "Don't worry, baby," as she patted him softly.

     Was it for me? Or for him? I think for both of us. Her smile was one of peace and trust. It seemed as though she might know him already. Maybe they met in heaven before being placed in my belly? Perhaps he has been feeling the anxiety coursing through my veins. Perhaps he is just as nervous for the C-section as I am. Maybe he knows I'm worried, and it worries him.

     Whatever the case...I will remember Adelyn's smile. And her words. Because they brought me great peace and hope this morning. "Don't worry, baby." We will meet soon.

63. Movie Date in the Basement

Day 63. Movie Date in the Basement

     Matt and I love watching TV in bed. It's just so cozy. And relaxing. But sometimes, we watch TV or movies in the basement at night after Adelyn is in bed. Tonight, we had a movie date in the basement. Roxy joined us, of course. All three of us curled up in the pit sofa. Yes, I say in, not on. It is that big. We love it. It is the perfect--movie in the basement--date spot.

     I love that Matt and I can make a movie in our basement a date night. I'm so in love with him.

62. Shadows

Day 62. Shadows

     I know these 100 days are for positive posts only...but I must digress to discuss one subject. The sun. I hate it. When it's hot out, I am miserable...and quite bitchy I might add. However, if it wasn't so sunny and hot today, I wouldn't have been able to see this:

     Addy was done with the pool. And so was I. I really must get her some sort of float so that I don't have to hold her the whole time we are swimming. (That is why she loves going to the pool with her Dada. He doesn't tire of holding her, throwing her, catching her, spinning her...etc.) I could tell she was done because she started to rest her head in the crook of my neck. She does this when she wants to cuddle or when she's tired. So we got out, and sat for a few minutes cuddling. As we were leaving the pool--hand in hand--I noticed our shadows on the ground. It struck me. This black and white live photo of us. Walking down the sidewalk. I was wearing a big sun hat. And I noticed that I have started to waddle. Just slightly. She was wearing her swim hat. And underneath it, I could see her blond curls bouncing as she walked. Her hand was all the way up, holding mine. My hand was all the way down, holding hers. It was such a sweet picture. I watched us walk together the whole way home. 

61. My "something great."

Day 61. My "something great."

     I love watching America's Got Talent. I love it because...there's that moment in every episode where someone comes out, and does something great. Seriously, I cry watching it most every week. That could be the raging pregnancy hormones. Or, it could simply be...that moment. Watching that moment where a person is forever changed. They exit the stage a little differently. They hold their head up a little higher. It's really cool to watch.

     I find myself thinking sometimes while watching...that I have never done anything great. I can sing, but I'm not great. I can dance, but I'm not great. I can't do this...I can't do that...I'm so ordinary...yada, yada...

     Then I think of Adelyn. She's perfect. She is something great. She is something totally out of this world amazing! She is my something great. And, to top it off...she thinks I'm great. She can't get enough of me. How awesome is that?

     Proud that my something great is her.

60. Dad

Day 60. Dad

     What a great word. Dad. I love my Dad so much. And I love watching Adelyn love her Dada. They truly adore each other. She was very proud to hand him her handmade card this morning. She was also very proud to hand cards to her Opa and Uncle A.J. She worked hard on them. Painted with water colors first. Then decorated with frog stickers. And then finished off with a red handprint.

     Loved laughing around the dinner table tonight with the ones I love and treasure. Couldn't have asked for a better day. And I'm so thankful I got to spend it with my Dad, and two other Dada's that I love.

    

59. Family Freeze Dance / DJ Casey

59. Family Freeze Dance / DJ Casey

     This morning, while waiting to go out for breakfast...we put on some music and had a dance party in my kitchen. Adelyn and Casey love to dance. Addy has a few signature moves: spin around in circles, run from person to person giving kisses, spinning baby around in circles, or making someone hold her while dancing. Oh, and, "get low." Casey's favorite song must be, "Jump Around," because that is his move. The move. Over and over. Jumping around. He also likes to direct everyone else on what they should be doing. "Opa. Dance." "Mama. Dance." "Shane. Dance." He also likes to tell people to, "clap to the beat." He has lots of different moves. He comes up with them as he goes.

     Wish we had some photos of our morning in my kitchen. My Mom, Dad, Shane, Patty, Casey, Adelyn, and I all dancing around. Blessed to have a family that loves to have fun together.

58. Wagon Walks

Day 58. Wagon Walks

     We love wagon walks. It's a nice way to walk, because you only need one hand to pull the wagon. Addy rides. Matt pulls. I walk. Adelyn likes to move all about during the walk. She sits in the front. Moves to the back. Drapes her arm over the side. Lays on her belly. Lays on her back...watches the trees above her.

     Some of my favorite pictures of Addy have been on our wagon walks. Especially, when she first discovered that she could lay down, and watch the world go by. I love walking with my family. It's nice to just walk and talk. But, the other reason I love walking with my family is because...I'm so proud. I am so proud of our sweet little family. Who wouldn't be proud to walk down the street with Matt and Adelyn? And I get the added bonus of walking around with Tobin in my belly for a few more months. Blessed to be able to go on wagon walks with the loves of my life.

57. "Who decided that dandelions are weeds?"

Day 57. "Who decided that dandelions are weeds?"

     It was another nice day out (not much sun, slightly cool breeze), so Patty and I decided to take the kids for a long walk. That's my favorite way to exercise. Taking an hour walk with my sister and our kids. However, for whatever reason, we were both feeling somewhat weak today, so we took it slow. We walked for around an hour, but we just kind of strolled. But I'm glad we did, because it gave me the chance to witness this:

     We were walking along, and all the sudden, Patty stopped. She said, "a perfect one," as she bent down to pick up a dandelion in its puffy stage. When all the yellow has disappeared, and all that is left is a big white ball of fluff. It was quite perfect. Tall, straight stem. And a beautiful orb of cottony white. She examined it, and handed it to Casey who, I'm sure, blew it into the wind.

     Patty has said many times before, "who decided that dandelions are weeds?" She loves them. And when I really stop and think about it...they are very, pretty little flowers. And she has a point. Who did decide that they are weeds? If they were more rare, would they be considered flowers instead of a pesky problem that needs to be eliminated from all perfectly landscaped lawns?

     I'm with Patty. They're pretty. They're yellow, then a puff ball of white. You can pick them without anyone getting the slightest bit upset that you're doing so. And almost all hand-picked bouquets of flowers from kids contain dandelions. What's not to love?

     I'm thankful and blessed to have a sister that finds beauty in weeds. Most every time I see a dandelion, I think of her. And our childhood. Blowing the white orb into pieces. Now, I also think of Casey, who, most every time we are outside, stops to pick up dandelions. It's a testament to the way he is being raised. To find the beauty in things. Even weeds. 

     

    

56. Peaceful feeling...

56. Peaceful feeling...

     It was a beautiful day. I could take summer days like these forever. Lately, as I continue to progress with my pregnancy with our promised boy...my mind has started to wander. I have been doubting. I have been afraid. My mind races with thoughts, questions, what-if's. I'm afraid when I have been given so many reasons not to be. It's a shame that I had any kind of fear and doubt on day so lovely as this.

     I was sitting outside with a friend and her son, Addy's little boyfriend. She is pregnant with a boy as well. She has also had a very stressful pregnancy...but she said something that struck me. We were talking about how we can't wait to smell our newborns. (Newborn baby smell is by far the greatest smell in the world. That...and puppy smell.) She said she gets this peaceful feeling whenever she thinks about her two sons. She pictures them together. Her son, and her unborn son. She said she feels so at peace thinking that she has her two kids, and they're here, and they're healthy.

     As I was sitting out there on this beautiful night with her and our kids--two running around playing together, and two kicking the inside of our bellies--I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I had wasted minutes on this beautiful day worrying about what-if's. Worrying about what might happen. Instead, I should have been thinking about how amazing it will be to look at my son for the first time. To hear him cry the first time. To touch him, and kiss him. To see Adelyn become a big sister. To see Matt become a father to a son.

     As I was putting Roxy's leash on to take her out, I caught a glimpse of the sky through the window above our door. It was 8:50pm, and it was still light out. And I thought to myself...sometime in the near future, I will put this leash on to take Roxy out at 5:00pm, and it will be dark out. And when that happens, Tobin will be here. And I got a real peaceful feeling...

 

55. Adelyn's Kisses

Day 55. Adelyn's Kisses

     Several times a day, for no reason whatsoever, Adelyn kisses me. If we are sitting together, she leans her head to mine, purses her lips, makes a "mmmmm" sound, and kisses me. If I pick her up...if we are playing...getting her up from her high chair...picking her up out of her crib...first the lip purse, then the "mmmmm," sound, and then the kiss. For no reason. Except that she loves me.

     Thankful for the love of my daughter. She is my sunshine, and my joy.

54. A.R.T.

54. A.R.T.

     I was texting with, Chelsea, a close friend a few weeks ago. I always think of her when we watch one of Adelyn's favorite shows. A character on the show is named: her favorite name for a baby girl. Don't worry, Chels...I won't give it away! :) Anyways, we got to talking about names. I was telling her that when I shower, I write the names of my children on the shower wall. I just like to write them. Sounds strange maybe, but I just love them all so much. So, I write their names in really pretty writing. When I was pregnant with Adelyn, I wrote her name all the time. After River passed, I wrote her name along with Adelyn's. Now I've added a new name to my shower wall. Tobin. Tobin Solomon Sanderson. I write Adelyn, River, and Tobin. Adelyn at the top. River in the middle. Tobin at the bottom.

     She texted back and said, "A.R.T., their initials spell art. Beautiful artwork from God." Pretty awesome, right? Blessed to have a friend that loves me so much, and has played such an integral role in my life, and the lives of my children. Particularly, River. I am forever grateful and thankful that you, Chelsea, showed such great love to my sweet girl, and to us.

     In case you are wondering: Tobin means, "God is good." And Solomon means, "peace." Refer back to blog post number:  7. Hawks. I'll explain the inspiration for our boy's name in another post. For now...I am so thankful for my friend, Chelsea, and for my ARTwork.

53. My Dad's Dinners

53. My Dad's Dinners

     Love eating my Dad's dinners. Even something whipped up in 10 minutes is nothing less than gourmet from him. Tonight we had baked ziti, salad, and strawberry/blueberry shortcake for dessert. (Well, my Mom made the cake. And she's a very good cook as well, but that's for a different post.) The ziti was so amazing. The best I've ever had. His salads are the best. He chopped everything very small and fine so that Addy and Casey could have some too. And he chopped every single blueberry in half so the babies wouldn't choke on them. Adelyn and Casey know who to ask for dessert. Opa. They look at him, and ask in their sweetest baby voice, "moi, ice cream, peas!" And who could resist a sweet baby voice. Certainly not my Dad.

     Part of the reason I love my Dad's food is because it is so amazing. The other part is because when he prepares food, he does so with love. Every meal he makes...you can just feel the love with every bite. Every blueberry cut in half. Every strawberry sliced just so. The salad chopped to perfection. The ziti prepared with meticulous care. Only the best meat from the butcher. Honestly, it was beyond gourmet. And it always is. Because he cooks with love. He always does.

52. Road Trips

Day 52. Road Trips

     Family road trips. Extreme boredom and unforgettable laughter and fond memories at the same time. Hours upon hours of pavement ahead of you. The hours just creeping by. Packed in like sardines. Sore limbs and knees. Numb butt. Having to pee for miles before finding somewhere clean enough to stop.

     On the flip side...spending hours trapped in a small space with loved ones can be incredibly fun. Laughing. Telling stories. Playing stupid games. Snacking. Counting South of the Border billboards.

     Some of my favorite memories as a child are on road trips. We talk about our adventures in driving all the time. Thankful that Matt, Shane, Adelyn, and I are able to add another adventure to the list.
    
    

51. Crabbing and Cookies

Day 51. Crabbing and Cookies

     Beautiful last day at the beach. We explored and came across the sound side of the island. It was the most awesome beach. The tide was out, so the beach was very wide. Adelyn absolutely loved the sound side. Gentle water, tons of awesome shells, and lots and lots of crabs. It was fun catching them, and showing them to Addy who always greeted them with a, "Hi crabby!"
 
     Adelyn also loved collecting huge shells which she carried in her bucket. We had to keep dumping a few when she wasn't looking because that bucket was getting heavy for her little arms.

     Perhaps Addy's favorite part of the day was eating cookies on the beach. It was a good day.

     Thankful for fun memories of my girl on the beach today.

50. Mr. Chocolate Eyes

50. Mr. Chocolate Eyes

     I remember the first time I learned about Shane's existence. I was a little girl. Patty was sleeping in my bed with me, as she often did. We liked to share a room, even then. My parents came in, woke us up, and told us that my Mom was pregnant. It was a very exciting moment. We all wanted a boy from the start. Patty and I desperately wanted a baby brother.

     When Shane was little, I used to call him, "Mr. Chocolate Eyes," because his eyes were (and are still) the color of chocolate. They are beautiful eyes, and the name fits. Because he is one of the sweetest guys I know. His heart is like chocolate too.

     Love my baby brother. So thankful for him.

49. Cuddling on the beach

49. Cuddling on the beach

     It was a rainy day, and normally, I love the rain. Just not on vacation. But it turned out to be one of the best days we've had here. We swam at an indoor pool in the morning. We came back to our house, made lunch, watched a movie, took a nap. Went to the beach when we woke up. The water was very rough and choppy, so we just played in the sand. It was extremely windy. The kids had a blast. I could tell Adelyn was starting to get tired when she started saying over and over, "hold you, Mama, hold you!" I picked her up, and she laid her head in the crook of my neck, and wrapped her arms around me tight. (Usually, she is just dead weight. Carrying her is like lugging around a 30 something pound sack of potatoes. She doesn't help or hold on at all.) Matt, Addy, and I walked back to our chairs to sit down and rest.  I held Adelyn on my lap, and she curled into me like she was an infant. The three of us sat there together, the wind blowing furiously. I held my girl tight against my growing belly, and we talked for a long time about baby brother. It was a sweet time. I cherish moments like those. I will never forget the way she clung to me. The way her hair looked blowing in the wind. Blond curls made even more curly from the salty sea spray. The way she felt cuddled into my chest and belly. The blue of her eyes. The way Matt looks at her. And me. And my belly.

     The rain today turned out to be awesome. Even on vacation. Gave us the wind we needed to be able to cuddle on the beach.

48. Picking Shells

Day 48. Picking Shells

     I love to pick shells. It is the best beach activity...in my opinion. When I was younger, I searched for perfect shells. I only wanted shells with no holes, no chips, no scars, or any other imperfections. I searched for whole shells.

     I can't lie. When I find a whole, perfect shell now...I still love it. To find such a rare specimen as a whole, perfect shell is special. But as I was searching through what had to be thousands of shells along a rock wall at the beach today, I starting thinking how people are like shells. Each shell is unique. Each shell has a different life story. And, like shells...we have scars. Scrapes, gashes, chips, even pieces missing sometimes. But that is what makes us who we are. We learn from our experiences...the good and the bad. The amazing ones, and the ones that feel like pieces of our flesh are being ripped away from us.

     As I picked up broken shell after broken shell today, I wondered...what was this ones story? Where did it come from? Who else has picked this one up? How many storms has this one been through?

     I think that it's because of...not in spite of...the scars that make us beautiful.

     The shells are still beautiful, and I love to walk the beach collecting them.

47. Kisses for baby

Day 47. Kisses for baby

     We love to talk about Addy's new baby brother. We tell her how she will be a big sister, and about how she will have to help look after the little baby. We think about him every day. We talk to him. We pray for him. Often. And Addy loves to kiss my belly. She says, "Hi," and then kisses him...making a distinct, muuuaaahh sound as she does so.

     I know she will love being a big sister. I did, and still do.

46. Sand

Day 46: Sand

     Adelyn's first time at the beach was a blast. She loved the sand. We thought she would like picking shells the best, because she loves to collect rocks so much. But, we were wrong. She thinks the best part of the ocean is the sand. There is so much one can do with sand. You can grab two handfuls at a time, and watch as it all falls out from between your fingers. You can throw it. You can lay it in. Rub it on Mama's legs. Throw it on the towels, and in your sun shade tent. Fill buckets with it. Eat it.

     So thankful to spend time as a family at the beach. And so thankful to have been able to experience my baby girl's first beach day. 

45. A moonlit beach walk...

Day 45: A moonlit beach walk...

     It has been so long since I've been to the beach. I was aching all day to get here, and dig my toes in the sand.

     After getting here, unpacking, putting all our food away, making dinner, going to the pool, (and having to leave after only  about 5 minutes of play because Addy decided it was time to take a big poop), bathing Addy, and putting her to bed...Matt, Shane, and I were able to sneak away for a bit. We went to the beach. It was amazing. The moon was completely full (or at least it looked that way to me), and there was a clear sky. The reflection of the moonlight on the water was gorgeous. The sand was cool. The water was warm. We brought flashlights to see the crabs, but we only saw a very tiny one. Matt and Shane helped me collect shells.

     Thankful and blessed to be on vacation. It's going to be a good one.

44. I'm here!

Day 44: I'm here!

     Finally. Finally, I can talk openly about our little boy. We knew we were having a boy from the very beginning. We knew this baby was going to be our sweet son. I have so much to say about him. So much to tell...but it has been an extremely long day, and we are leaving for the beach in the morning. Well, more in the middle of the night :)
 
     For now, I will say this: I am so overwhelmed with joy and happiness that we have a healthy son growing inside me. And this boy sure does let me know he's there. Addy never kicked this much. Ever. I feel him kicking and moving and living inside me. I couldn't be more thankful for him.