"It's just a web."

Project 365 * 4
Day 650

*There is a picture of River below. She is beautiful, only tiny. I'm only writing this note in case there is someone reading this who doesn't want to see a tiny baby. It was taken just after she was born. She died a few hours later sleeping in my arms.

     I was reading, Charlotte's Web, to my students today when this passage hit me like a waterfall of truth:

"Do you understand how there could be any writing in a spider's web?" "Oh, no," said Dr. Dorian. "I don't understand it. But for that matter I don't understand how a spider learned to spin a web in the first place. When the words appeared, everyone said they were a miracle. But nobody pointed out that the web itself is a miracle." "What's miraculous about a spider's web?" said Mrs. Arable. "I don't see why you say a web is a miracle--it's just a web." "Ever try to spin one?" asked Dr. Dorian. Mrs. Arable shifted uneasily in her chair. "No," she replied. "But I can crochet a doily and I can knit a sock." "Sure," said the doctor. "But somebody taught you, didn't they?" "My mother taught me." "Well, who taught a spider? A young spider knows how to spin a web without any instructions from anybody. Don't you regard that as a miracle?" -E.B. White

     That passage got me thinking about this: "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein

     Today is October 15th. On this day, three years ago, my family and close friends gathered together in a church to say a proper goodbye to River. It was a beautiful service. A day that I'll remember forever.

     Today is October 15th. On this day, two years ago, I gave birth to my amazingly, sweet son, Tobin. From the first moment I knew of his existence, he became my hope. I never knew how powerful hope could be until I became pregnant with him. Every minute of every day, I clung to hope.

     Today is October 15th. It is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So many people missing their little ones today.

     Today is October 15th. The world seems to have gone mad. I actually asked Matt tonight, "is this the beginning of the end?"

     Today is October 15th. For every bit of madness in the world, there is 100 times more good. There is good. There are miracles.

     I find it fitting that I read that bit about miracles in Charlotte's Web today. On October 15th. A day torn between goodness and sadness. Tobin's birthday. So much goodness. A day to remember my daughter. So much sadness. A day for families everywhere to remember their loved ones. Sadness, yes. But, there is also good there. There are miracles there. Isn't all life a miracle? Even short ones? Even ones that end in the womb? Even ones that end in their mother's arms?

     "It's just a web." I never want to live my life that way. It's just...It's only...

     No. "There are only two ways to live your life." So I choose to live this way:

     There is good. There are miracles. This is not the beginning of the end. It's not just a web. It's a web. It's not just October 15th. It's October 15th. She's not just my daughter. She's my daughter. He's not just my son. He's my son. Just can be a dangerous word. It leaves us teetering on the edge of complacency. It erases the possibility of miracles. It dulls us. Never say, "it's just a web." Nothing is ever just anything.

     Tonight, I'm thankful for a great many things. For Tobin. My boy. My son. My hope. How I made it one day of my life without him, I'll never know. I'm thankful for my sister. She made the sweetest party for Tobin today. Decorations. A lovely meal. The best damn cake I've ever had in my entire life. I'm thankful for family. For daughters and sons. For sisters and brothers. For mothers and fathers. I'm thankful for my husband who worked all day in the pouring rain. For us. I'm thankful for a warm, dry home. I'm thankful for plenty of food for my family. I'm thankful for the love of dogs. They are among the greatest creatures that walk this earth. I'm thankful for red leaves. For cloudy days. For the sound of rain. For the smell of rain. I'm thankful for a day called, October 15th. A day that will always be miraculous. The day that hope was born, and we named him Tobin. Words cannot say how thankful I am for my son. It is the day I said goodbye to my River. A day that I said...until we meet again. It is a day for so many others to remember their precious ones. It is a day that is entirely sad. And entirely good. And entirely miraculous.

     Just a web? Oh, Mrs. Arable. I'm sad for you.