16, now 15 Days Left

16, now 15 Days Left

     Yesterday, I had the great honor of being in my friend's wedding. There comes a point in some friendships where you have known each other so long, and know each other so well-even if you don't spend a ton of time together because of schedules and the rush of life-that the friend becomes more family than friend. We reached that point long ago. I was so proud to be in her wedding, and so proud I got to walk down the aisle with my rather large baby bump. It was a great day! I loved telling everyone that asked about my precious boy that will be arriving very soon.

     Today was a hard day. I've cried many times today in sheer frustration over back pain and exhaustion. Back pain is the worst! I've never experienced back pain like this, but it is so so so so annoying. I can't sleep because it hurts so bad. I am up at least once an hour. Life with a nursing newborn will be a break from this. Truthfully. However, I think maybe the pain is good for me. Maybe if I was comfortable, I would have no desire to go through the trauma of childbirth. And I use the word childbirth because I'm still giving birth. Just because I'm having a c-section doesn't mean I'm getting off easy, or something. But, yeah...I'm thinking the constant back pain might make me the slightest bit eager to get to the hospital on the 15th. To lay down on the table, as nervous as I may be...and wait to see my son up above that little curtain. To feel his face agaisnt mine when the doctor lays him at my head. Face to face, just upside down. Tonight, when I get up every hour, I will try to be thankful for the pain because it means two things: I'm pregnant with our sweet son, and I will be ready to meet him on the 15th.

17 Days Left

17 Days Left

     In my friend's wedding tomorrow, and was talking at the rehearsal dinner tonight about the things I've done while I'm pregnant. I graduated from college with Adelyn in my belly. I walked across the stage...wasn't going to, but Matt made me. I'm glad he did. I'll always remember walking across the stage pregnant with Adelyn. Tomorrow, I will walk down the aisle in my friend's wedding with Tobin in my belly. And then...in two weeks, I will hold him in my arms.

18 Days Left

18 Days Left

     My belly is rather large these days. And I feel a little foot poking one side of my belly constantly. I can't wait to hold that little foot in my hand. Matt and I were talking today about how we need to get the rest of our baby stuff set up. We want Adelyn to get used to seeing it around. We know she will be curious.

     It's almost October...

19 Days Left

19 Days Left

     I had a great appointment today! Tobin's heartbeat sounds perfect! He's moving around a ton. Love leaving the doctors office with a healthy report on my little lovebug. I only have two appointments left until Tobin is born. Whoa. Two weeks after this Monday. I cannot wait to meet my sweet boy.

     Tonight, after Adelyn's bath, we were singing while I put her lotion on, and she stopped suddenly, and put her hands on my belly, and said, "want to feel baby Tobin." I can't wait to see my babies meet each other. What a magical moment that will be.

20 Days Left

20 Days Left

     Talked to Steph tonight, and she told me she had a dream about Tobin and I. The dream was this: that I had Tobin, and everything was perfect. Made me so happy to hear that, and have so much hope and confidence that everything will go great.

     Found a gray dress at Gap Maternity. And it looks cute on me. As opposed to atrocious...which is what every other dress I tried on looked like. I cried many times today looking for a dress. I'd leave a store, get in the car, and just cry in frustration. But, it's all good now. Dress found!

       Also, tomorrow will be 19 days until Tobin is born. Nineteen. This has been the longest pregnancy ever. Even my doctor says that. She's like, "man, you've been pregnant forever!" Agreed. Can't wait to meet my son.

21 Days Left

21 Days Left

     Ahh, the joys of pregnancy. I'm in a wedding this weekend. And I tried on my dress today... Not too good. So, I'm on a mission to find a new dress by this Saturday. Why is there not one charcoal grey, maternity dress out there? My belly is so big that even the knee length dresses might as well be mini-skirts on me. And why do they even make maternity dresses with material that is not flattering? What sense does that make?

     Tomorrow, the search continues. Chel, if you're reading this, don't worry. I will find something. And Tobin, I love you even though you're making this dress shopping thing pretty difficult!

22 Days Left

22 Days Left

     Can I just take a moment to say: pregnant women deserve gold medals and trophies just for making it through the day. And the night for that matter.

     The day is fun. I'm at that point in my pregnancy where even my maternity jeans are uncomfortable. My back literally hurts every second of the day. I sound like a 500 pound sumo wrestler trying to get up out of bed, or out of a chair, or into the car, or off the floor...basically...all the time. The huffing and puffing is driving even me--crazy. And I'm the one doing it!

     Night is even better. I'm up every hour. EVERY. Hour. To pee. Then I get to reposition at least six pillows, and a pregnancy pillow. Only to lay back down, and be wide awake. I flip on The Office, and watch a bit until I fall asleep again. When I wake up again...it has only been about 30 to 45 minutes. How do I know this? Because I have The Office on DVD, and I just watch season after season. And when I wake up to pee again...the next episode is on. The one right after the one I put on to fall asleep to.

     I feel like a large, white, pregnant, beluga whale. With one ankle with crazy spider vein action happening. People look at my ankle and literally think it's broken...it's so bruised and dark with broken blood vessels. And I'm out of breath walking up one flight of stairs. And my stomach hurts from being kicked like crazy. And I'm nervous. And I have a million things to do before Tobin gets here. And I have a two-year old.

     That said: I wouldn't trade all this for anything in the world. It's part of the journey. The journey to becoming Tobin's Mama. And I cannot wait to look upon his sweet face. And kiss him. And cuddle him. And bring him home, and love him forever.

23 Days Left

23 Days Left

     Bought some new things for baby Tobin today. It was so fun picking out boy things. Boy blankets, boy pacifiers, boy hats, a boy outfit for him to have his first photo in. When we came home, Adelyn and I tried out the blankets before I washed them. We opened each blanket up, looked at it, and then wrapped her baby in it. And to our surprise and delight...they worked. They kept baby, "nice and warm." Addy's words, not mine.

     Made me laugh when Adelyn wanted to try the pacifiers, or "cici's" out. I thought it had been long enough since we took hers away, but seeing those fresh cici's...brought it all back to her. She was a little upset she couldn't try them. She got over it when I suggested we all cuddle in bed and watch a movie.

24 Days Left

24 Days Left

     Adelyn came over to me tonight, for no reason, and kissed my belly. Then she patted my belly, and smiled. And as she stood there smiling, I thought to myself...she must know something I don't. Maybe my adult eyes are blinded. Maybe my mind can't fathom what she knows. Maybe there isn't an explanation for everything. Maybe she knew he needed a kiss and a pat. Maybe her innocence allows her to see and know things I am unable to see and know.

     I love magic moments like those. Where there is something more behind a simple action like a kiss and a pat. I guess she just knew he needed some loving. So thankful to have been able to witness that moment between sister and brother. Before they've even met.

    

25 Days Left

25 Days Left

     For the past six weeks, someone in this house has had some sort of cold, runny nose, illness, etc. I know it has been six weeks because my friend had her second baby six weeks ago, and I have not been able to visit with her since then because all that said illness. I would feel terrible if we got her precious newborn sick!

     Tonight, while we were outside, my friend came out to mail a letter. She was carrying her newborn in her arms. I was so surprised and delighted when Adelyn stopped, and became very interested in the baby. It was really the first time she had seen him. She had seen him before, but he was always in the carseat, or stroller. Plus, I wouldn't let her go close fearing that he might catch whatever we all had. She kept saying, "take a look!" It was so sweet to watch. The smile on her face looking at baby Leo. And it made me so anxious to see her with Tobin. I cannot wait until this boy is born.

     Getting antsy. Very. Extremely. Antsy.

26 Days Left

26 Days Left

27 Days Left

27 Days Left (Figured I should change my titles since we now have a date set.)

     Had an amazing day with my baby girl. It was rainy, we were stuck at home, we had no vehicle...so what else was there to do but have a girls day?!? It dawned on me that we had never really had a "girls day." It was really fun. First things first: make-up. Adelyn chose purple eyeshadow, and pink lipstick. I put some blush on her too. When she looked in the mirror...oh man, I wish I had that reaction on video. She felt so pretty and proud of herself. It was so sweet to watch. Then we tried on shoes. Adelyn chose to try on a hot pink pair of heels, as well as some black ones. Then we just hung out on the floor of my walk-in closet. We looked at clothes, wedding pictures, old cards...you don't have to teach a girl how to have a "girls day." We watched a movie together. Not a chick flick...but that will come all in good time. We watched, Monsters vs. Aliens. Good movie. It's Addy's favorite right now. We ate a few chocolate chip cookies. We cuddled. We talked. We looked at pictures and videos on my phone. We told secrets. These are the secrets I told Addy: "I love you," and "you're pretty." This is the secret Addy told me: "I love you." Thankful the rain kept us in today. We wouldn't have had the amazing day that we did if it wasn't rainy.

     The entire day, the ENTIRE day...Tobin has been moving, kicking, pushing, twisting, bending...you name it. My stomach actually hurts from being kicked so much. He is still moving like crazy as I write. It feels like he is moving around so much that he's going to break my water!

     Funny how anxious I am to meet my boy, but at the same time...the thought of my water breaking right now makes me realize how much I need these last few weeks. As uncomfortable as I am...I need them for me, for Matt and I, for Adelyn and I, and to get everything prepared for Tobin. I still need baby boy blankets, I need the perfect outfit for him to come home from the hospital in. I need to wash clothes. I need to buy diapers.

     Ah...even so, still can't wait.

Countdown, Day 13, September 17th

Countdown, Day 13, September 17th

     Was thinking today about how this Fall and Winter, we will have two sweet babies to cuddle with. Two babies to dress up for Halloween. Two babies to give thanks for at Thanksgiving. Two babies to sit on Santa's lap. Two babies to bring downstairs on Christmas Day. Two babies to ring in the New Year with.

     Also thinking today about a sweet friend who is going to meet her new little girl, Kaitlyn, today or tomorrow. She is being induced. I was induced with Adelyn. I remember going into the hospital so scared. I remember going into the hospital as just Matt and I. We came out of the hospital as a family. It was such a proud, strange, amazing moment. Leaving the hospital with our sweet baby. So excited for my friend and her husband to experience that moment together.

     Happy for my friend. And maybe just a bit jealous that she gets to meet her newborn tomorrow, and I have to wait for a few more weeks. :)

Countdown, Day 11 &12, September 16th

Countdown, Day 11 & 12, September 16th

Day 11:

     Yesterday was such a fun day! Spent the day at Haymarket Day. A day celebrating our little town, Haymarket. We left our house early Saturday morning at around 9:15 for the parade. We walked right out of our neighborhood...and there was the parade. Pretty awesome. Adelyn and Casey had a blast! After that, we walked around and looked at all the vendors. Got some yummy food, homemade sodas, etc. Adelyn and Casey went on a train ride! The highlight of their day, no doubt. We walked all day until we got home around 2. Several times during our day, I had to stop, and bend over to try and stretch out my back. The weight of my belly puts such a strain on it. Seriously...back pain is the worst. The worst! My back hurts when I sleep. Matt was like, "someone is going to think you're in labor." Sure enough...one woman came over and asked if I was okay.

     Moral of the story: when one is 35+ weeks pregnant, one should not walk around from 9am until 2pm. I didn't drink enough, I didn't eat enough...felt like absolute crap. Thought I was going into labor. Got seriously panicked. Thus the reason I didn't post yesterday.

Day 12:

     Feeling good today. My little Tobin is moving and kicking like crazy. He's getting cramped in there. I can feel him moving way down low. Feels strange. Like he is scratching my cervix. Got a confirmation call from my OB. The date is set at the hospital. I got instructions about when to arrive at the hospital, to not eat or drink from midnight on, etc. It's getting real. He's really coming soon. Sometimes, I wake up at night, and can't go back to sleep. I lay there thinking about the c-section. Fearing. But then I think to myself, I birthed a 11 lb 13 oz baby. I birthed River. I can definitely handle this. The words of the OB that saved Adelyn's life come back to me, "You are one tough cookie." I often think about those words. I'm like, really. I am? I feel like the biggest wimp in the world. Just getting blood drawn makes me cry. But, if I really think about it...I am one tough cookie. Because I am wimp, and I was able to handle birthing Adelyn, and I made it through. I birthed and lost River, and I made it through. So, if I can make it through those things, that makes me tough, right? And being tough means I can make it through this c-section. I might be scared. I might be a wimp, but I will make through...so, in actuality, I'm one tough cookie.

     I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I'm scared, but I can do this.
    

Countdown, Day 10, September 14th

Countdown, Day 10, September 14th

     I was getting very nervous today. Just feeling anxious. Starting to worry that maybe Tobin wasn't moving around as much...questions, doubts, fears...all that jazz...

     My mind was wandering when Patty called me back to reality by telling me to look at a hawk that had landed on a car nearby. It was huge. Brown and white. Whenever I see one...my mind settles. My heart stops racing, and I feel a surge of confidence. Because hawks are my sign for Tobin. My sign that everything is going to be okay. That he is safe, and healthy. A sign that reminds me to have faith and hope. Needed that today.

    

Countdown, Day 9, September 13th

Countdown, Day 9, September 13th

     Had such an awesome day. Took Adelyn to the Reston Zoo. She had a blast! I love watching her face when she sees something new. Well, sort of new. We went last year as well, and she enjoyed herself, but this year...she was running all over the place, and she loved all the animals, especially the goats and the snakes! I was like, really Addy...the snakes!?!? We are NOT snake people.

     I had two favorite moments today. The first was sitting on the wagon at the Reston Zoo. The way the sunlight hit Adelyn...I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She is so beautiful. I was thinking to myself...this is my little girl. This beauty. This angel. She's mine. My camera couldn't capture how beautiful she was in that moment today. Sometimes, in life, I believe there are just some things that aren't meant to be seen by anyone else. There are some things that are for my eyes only. Today was just one of those moments. It was for my eyes only. To see how beautiful Adelyn was on that wagon.

     My favorite second moment came tonight while watching the America's Got Talent finale. I hadn't felt Tobin move or kick me for a bit. I was starting to panic. My usual trick of patting my belly to get him to kick me didn't even work. Real panic. Then, suddenly...kicks. Peace. Tobin saying, "I'm here, don't worry."
    

Countdown, Day 8, September 12th

Countdown, Day 8, September 12th

     Had a special day with Adelyn. Got some pumpkins and other fun stuff for our yard. Got some big girl utensils...which we have been needing for some time now. She's super excited about them. So excited that after asking us repeatedly to take them out of the package while we were still in the store...and having us turn her down many, many times...she took it upon herself to figure out how to get them out the package herself. "I got it!" She was proud. All I could do was smile.

     Went to a fun playground, had a picnic. Went to Carousel. Got some ice cream. It was great fun! I couldn't help but think all day long...there won't be many days left like this. With just our baby girl. I love taking care of her. I love feeding her. Playing with her. Bathing her. Brushing her hair. I love how I know her language. I love how after bath time we do this: I wrap her up in a towel, then she says, "I need  a cuddle." So, I hold her on my lap, and we sing a song together. It goes like this:

     "I love you so much, I love you so much, I can't even tell you how much I love you. You're special to me, you're special to me, I'm lucky to have you as part of my life. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you...I love you so much. I love you so much. I can't even tell you how much I love you.

     We never skimp on the, "I love you," statements around here. Never. And pretty soon...there will be even more, "I love you," statements. Even more declarations of love and adoration. I want my children to know always, always...that they are loved, and cherished. That they are more precious than anything in this world to me. I can't wait to hold both my sweet babies in my arms at the same time. What an amazing feeling that will be.

Countdown, Day 7, September 11th

Countdown, Day 7, September 11th

     Right before I gave birth to River...I went to God looking for answers. Looking for a miracle. I got my Bible, and said, "God, give me an answer." I opened to a verse that said, "the baby died." Not the answer I was looking for.

     After River died, I went back the verse that I had opened to. I was still searching for answers to all my why questions. I don't know if I will ever find the answers to all my questions as to why River died...but I did find this answer. I read on after the verse about the baby dying. It said that King David's wife got pregnant again after their baby died. They had a son. And they named him Solomon. I looked up the meaning of the name Solomon. It means peace. Turns out that Solomon became a King, and is thought of as one of the wisest Kings that ever lived...in the Bible. Interesting and fitting that the name Solomon means peace. When we lost River...it was turmoil. I've never experienced such anguish. But I believed this was my answer: my baby died. River died. But we would have a son. We would have peace.

     When I first got pregnant with Tobin, I was a freaking mess! I cannot even describe the fear I felt every second of the day. It was crippling. But I had to trust God. There was nothing else to do. I had to believe that we were promised a son. We believed from day one that I was pregnant with our son.

      When we found out that we were having our little boy, we knew right away that either his first or middle name would be Solomon. We were having trouble coming up with another name until Matt came across the name Tobin. It is the shortened version of the Irish name Tobias. We both loved the name right away. The meaning of the name Tobin is: God is good.

     That is how we came to name our son: Tobin Solomon. Tobin Solomon Sanderson. We think it is a good, strong name.

     Cannot wait to meet my son.

     

Countdown, Day 6, September 10th

Countdown, Day 6, September 10th

    Favorite moments from this day:

1. Getting news from my Dr. that October 15th will Tobin's birthday! 12pm! I can't wait to get my hands on him. I can't wait to hold him, and smell him. I can't wait to examine his fingers and toes, and marvel at how tiny his fingernails will be. I can't wait to see what he looks like. I can't wait to kiss him, and tell him how long I've waited for him.

2. Hearing Adelyn say repeatedly, "hold you, Mama," "I need a cuddle," I need a hug," "Mama, sit down in the chair with Addy." She loves me so much. It's amazing...her love for me. She amazes me.

3. Addy and I were outside doing some sidewalk chalk, and Matt came out, and Addy said, "Hey Dada, want to do chalk?" "Sit down, Dada." "Here, Dada, do chalk." And when he sat down, she smiled at us, and said, "Fun!"

4. Matt was taking the trash cans back to the backyard, and Addy wanted to walk with him. So we did. She picked up several leaves, handed us some, and started singing. All three of us sang together, while waving our leaves. As I turned around to watch Matt and Adelyn waving their leaves together, singing, bathed in sunlight...I thought one word: amazing. I use this word often, but it's the only word to accurately describe what my life is. Filled with little moments that others might pass off as ordinary. Taking trash cans around back. Singing with some leaves.

But I find them to be: amazing.

Countdown, Day 5, September 9th

Countdown, Day 5, September 9th

     Feeling tired and weak today. My back is constantly killing me. Constantly. It is so painful. My doctor suggested I get a belly band. Not a pretty one, but one that looks like what the men at Home Depot wear. She suggested I get one that has straps that go over the shoulder. Hot.

     It will be so worth it. I cannot wait to hold my son. I cannot wait to see the look on Adelyn's face when she sees Tobin for the first time. I can't wait to see how she reacts when "holding" him for the first time.

     Adelyn continues to be my sunshine. My joy. She gets me through the days. Whenever one of us is having a hard time, we let the other one know that we need a hug. Or a cuddle. Or a kiss. And you know what? It makes me feel 100% better whenever I get a hug or cuddle or kiss from my girl.

     Pretty soon, I will have double the hugs and cuddles and kisses. What love. What peace. What joy. I am so blessed. 

Countdown, Day 4, September 8th

Countdown, Day 4, September 8th

     Adelyn and I watched a movie this afternoon. We watched Monsters vs. Aliens. She told me she needed a cuddle and a blanket, and since it was raining...what else could we do but be couch potatoes? I love the way she cuddles me. Because of my enormous belly, she has had to adjust a bit...but we make it work. As we sat there cuddled together, I wondered how many more days will we have like this? Just me and her?

     We play this game when we look into a mirror together. We put our faces together, we rock back and forth, and sing, "Addy and Mama, Mama and Addy." And then we smile at each other. It's not much longer that it will just be Addy and Mama. And when I think about it, I get a little sad for a split second. Not because Tobin is coming, but because this phase, this time in our lives is coming to a close. But then I think about all the joy that spending my days with just Adelyn brings me. And then I think...well, soon, it will be double the joy. Adelyn and Tobin. I'm blessed.

    

Countdown, Day 3, September 7th

Countdown, Day 3, September 7th

     Had an awesome appointment today! BP-perfect. Weight-perfect...but still scary! Tobin's heartbeat-perfect. Nice and normal. Looked at dates for my c-section. Asked lots of questions. My doctor is so amazing. I ask her questions like: do you think I'm going to die during my c-section. And she actually answers. "No, you will not die during your c-section."

     I love leaving an appointment with good news. I feel so on top of the world. And I always...always celebrate in some way. Today, I had a milkshake.

     Getting really excited and anxious to meet Tobin. I can't wait for that moment when my doctor holds him up over the drape...and I can look at him for the first time. I cannot wait to smell him. And kiss him.

Countdown, Day 2, September 6th

Countdown, Day 2, September 6th- Tobin's Room!

This is the weirdest pic...I know...but I needed a belly shot somewhere in this album, right? I feel like this pic looks like one of those pictures you see on Awkward Family Photos...in the pregnancy section...whatever, haha!

    

Countdown, Day 1, September 5th

Countdown, Day 1, September 5th

     Well, you really can't call it a countdown. It's more of a count-up. We don't have a date set yet, so...it could be any number of days. Tobin Solomon, our sweet son is due sometime in October. I honestly don't know how I will make it until then. I was big with Adelyn. Huge. It looked like I was pregnant with twins. That's what everyone told me. I don't feel like I look quite as big with Tobin, but I am in constant pain. I literally walk around like Frankenstein all day. My back is killing me constantly. And this boy moves. A lot. Adelyn moved around, but it was more like...stretching. Tobin hits me. Kicks me. Moves my entire stomach off to the right multiple times a day. I cannot lay on my right side at night. He doesn't like it. He kicks or punches me in the same spot repeatedly until I move to my left side. With Adelyn, I never once exclaimed, "OUCH!" With Tobin...it's multiple times a day. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow. I feel like I'm already over 40. It has been a long, long, LONG road. But we are almost at the finish line. I feel myself getting weak, doubting. Fearing. Questioning. Anxiety creeping in. So...

     I've decided to blog every day until Tobin arrives. On the day of his birth, I will post something short and sweet, with some pictures, hopefully. I want to cherish these last few weeks with my girl. I want to cherish these last few weeks of pregnancy. It will be my last. Matt and I always said we wanted three. And I always knew that I would have two girls and a boy. We have our two girls. One just lives in heaven. Our boy is coming. I want to look back on these blog posts and remember what a sweet time this is. I want to remember how precious Adelyn is at this age. And I want to focus on the joy of this last month of pregnancy. Not the pain. Not the fears. Not the what-if's.

     Day 1 down, ? to go...