Missing you...

     Just writing those words (missing you)...beginning this post...the tears start to fall immediately. It could be that I am just incredibly emotional lately. I start sobbing at the drop of a hat. But, mostly, I think...I'm hurting. I'm missing my little one. Feeling like I failed her.

     This past August 17th was her first birthday in heaven. I had these great plans for celebrating and remembering her. But they just...didn't work. In our family, every birthday is celebrated this way: you get to choose what you want to eat for dinner. You get to choose what kind of cake you want. We eat dinner. We eat cake. While everyone is eating cake, we do affirmations. We each tell the birthday person why we love them. It can't be a joke. It can't be sarcastic. We have to say the words: "I love you because..." We open presents. We sit around and enjoy each others company.

     I wanted to make a nice dinner for River's birthday. It ended up sucking...big time. Everyone told me it was good, but I know better. It was crappy. I wanted to make a cake...but ended up buying these tiny cupcakes...they sucked. I bought balloons to release. One light pink balloon for River. And because Adelyn and Casey love balloons, I bought two extras. A blue one for Casey, and a hot pink one for Addy to release. Their gifts to her. I wanted to write messages on the balloon...we did, but it was rushed. It was about to rain. I wanted to take beautiful pictures of the occasion...but all I got were a few fuzzy pictures with my crappy camera. I didn't even get one family picture of us releasing balloons. Not one of the cupcake with the candle I blew out for her. I saved the candle. It's in her memorial case.

     I feel like I failed her miserably. I wanted so badly to make it a special occasion. I wanted her to peek down from heaven, and think...wow...they really love me. They must miss me. I feel like her birthday was an afterthought. I felt like everyone forgot. I tried so hard, but was unable to pull it together the way I wanted to. I have a two year old. I'm as big as a whale...pregnant with Tobin. My back is constantly killing me. I just...failed.

     I'm angry still. I'm hurting still. I'm angry that I can't hold her. I'm angry that I only had 12 hours with her. I'm angry at people. I'm angry that there are certain people...family members...who literally never said one word to me about her. Not one thing. Not a phone call. Not a card in the mail. Not even a measly sad face under any FB status about her. It wouldn't have helped me feel better about losing her. And, it's not like we are even close...but if these people lost a child...I would definitely contact them in some way, and offer my condolences. Why do people act as if she didn't exist? I held her. She died in my arms.

     I'm angry at family members who said she didn't deserve a memorial service because she never lived. "Why would we go to a memorial service for someone of whom we have no memory?" That is an actual sentence that someone emailed me. The hurt and anger I feel over that whole situation is something that I have still not been able to resolve. I know that carrying around anger only hurts me. But, I'm angry. I'm mad as hell at them. It hurts me deeply that they would say such hurtful things about my beautiful girl. I feel like they aren't even worthy of speaking her name out loud.

     The other day, I was at Giant. And I was reminded of something that happened about a week or so after River passed: I was leaving, and a woman who was working at the Chevy Chase inside the store caught my eye, patted her belly, and said, "Congratulations." And she smiled at me. My stomach was still looking pregnant. I looked at her, and I said, "I'm not pregnant. Actually, I just had a baby, and she died." And I left. I remember her looking just...dumbfounded. In shock. Embarrassed. And it made me happy that she felt sorry for saying that to me.

     I'm not proud about that. I'm not proud that I'm angry at people. I'm not proud that certain people's stupid words and actions can make me cry. And hurt me. I should be so much stronger than that. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful two-year old. I'm about to have a son in October. I feel ashamed that I'm still angry. I feel ashamed that this post is filled with anger and unforgiveness. I guess the only thing I can say is: I'm human. I know what I need to do. Forgive. Move on. Focus on the beauty and peace that surrounds my life. Be thankful for the hundreds of butterflies I've seen fluttering around me lately. Be thankful for all the people who did love River. But maybe...when it comes to death...does anger ever completely leave? I don't think so. You make peace with death. There are days when you don't feel angry. But, there are days when you do feel angry. I guess I've just had a bunch of angry days. And I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed. But, mostly, I feel ashamed that River's special first birthday in heaven passed me by, and I failed to make it special.


     I'm missing you, River.
    

Let me count the ways...

Let me count the ways...

     This day, two years ago, we were all waiting. Impatiently, I might add. It was a super hot summer. I was huge. And past my due date. And everyone was wondering: when? She didn't come until August 20th. I was thinking today about the first moment I saw my Adelyn. It was the most amazing moment I've ever experienced. Like time stood still. All else faded.

     We didn't know if she would make it. She had to be resuscitated. Twice. Honestly, when she born, no one said anything to us. The only thing I remember hearing is a nurse telling Matt to, "come be with your wife." We cried waiting to hear if she would cry. Or make any noise at all for that matter. Those were scary, dark, minutes.

     And then...there she was. Naked. On my chest. I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life. That was when it was like time stood still. The twenty-some people milling about the room faded from my view. The realization of what had just happened seemed to disappear when I saw her. She cried a bit. I cried a lot. I felt like I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to absorb all the beauty that was laying on my chest. I touched her fingers. They were sticky. And so tiny. It was a feeling and a moment that I will never forget.

     Time marches on. It's bittersweet. I love watching my girl reach new milestones. I love each new step we take together. But, then, I remember. When all she wanted to do all day was lay in my arms. It feels like yesterday that she was a newborn. How can she be turning 2 this year? How is it possible?

     She has saved me. In more ways than I can possibly ever count. But, perhaps, the way that stands out the most to me is this: she has been my sunshine. My lighthouse. I know I've described her this way before. But, it's the truth.

     After she was born, I had a lengthy recovery. It was a very hard time in my life. Not because of her...but because of all the healing that needed to happen. I wasn't given the all clear from my doctor until March. She was born in August. And even then, my doctor was like: you're better, but not 100%. A month later, I was pregnant with River. The following August, we lost River. This January, I got pregnant with Tobin. This is the third summer in a row that I've spent pregnant.

     It has been a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. But one thing has remained constant. The pure joy and sunshine that is Adelyn. She has been my lighthouse. A bright, shining light when my days were dark. But I would never have known how bright her light shines unless I saw those dark days. The darker the day...the brighter she was to me. She is the most amazing little girl I have ever known. And she's mine!

     I could count the ways I love her...but the list would never end. I cannot wait to celebrate her birthday this year. She loves birthday parties. And party hats. And cake and ice cream. I can't wait to see the look on her face when we get up on the 20th, and I can tell her: today is your birthday! She has an awesome "excited" face. So in love with her!