Monday, December 31, 2012

The best present of all.

The best present of all.

     Went to church this morning. Adelyn loves church. "Fun church," she calls it. She also calls Jesus, "fun Jesus." Hilarious. Really, she loves church because she goes to a classroom where she plays with cool toys, and other kids. After church, she gets to play in a giant indoor playground. Think, Discovery Zone. Inside a church. It's pretty awesome. I mean, what church has a special door on the 2nd level, that opens to a slide, that spits you out in the middle of the indoor playground, on the 1st level? Oh, our church. And if it's nice outside, we play on the giant outdoor playground. Why wouldn't she love church?

     So, today was open mic day. The pastor explained that he wanted people to come up and say what they were most thankful for during the past year. We were running late, we checked Adelyn into class late, and we were just getting settled into our seats when I heard the voice of a little boy on the mic. A very sweet voice. Cracking ever so slightly as he spoke. He said this: "my parents just got divorced, and even though we don't have a lot of money, I'm thankful I could see all my family for Christmas." Ugh. I wanted to run up to that boy, and just--hold him. His words told me three things. "My parents just got divorced," meant, I'm sad. "And even though we don't have a lot of money," meant, I'm worried. "I'm thankful I could see all my family for Christmas," meant, he loves his family.

     Out of everyone that spoke, his words were the loudest. Made the most impact on me. Others spoke of overcoming addiction, financial troubles, divorces, homelessness, losing loved ones. So many hurting people. That's the other thing that struck me. The massive amount of hurt and struggle. But, I thought about that little boy all day. He's been on my mind. Him, his sweet voice, and his words.

     Adelyn refused to nap again today. It's a catch-22 with that girl. If she naps, she naps very late in the day, and then is up until midnight. Reading, singing, asking for pineapple juice. "Need some piney juice!" Piney. She's the cutest. If she doesn't nap, she is way whiney and cries a lot come 6 or 7pm. Anyways, she wasn't napping, and Tobin was, so I went in to read some books with her. That turned into "playing house." She pretends I am the child, and she is the Mama. She reads me a book, gives me a sip of piney juice, covers me with blankets, hands me babies and animals, prays, turns out the light, says goodnight, and leaves. Two seconds later, she opens the door, says, "good morning, did you sleep well," and the game starts over again. We had been playing for a while when Matt joined us. We all played for a bit, then this happened. Matt and I were laying on the floor, our heads propped up on a princess couch, and a giant brown bear, when Adelyn came and snuggled between us. Matt and I wrapped our arms around her, and cuddled her tight. I forget whether it was me or Matt that said, "I love cuddling together!" But, it was Adelyn's reply that just made me want to cry. "It's the best present of all." What two year old says that? Us cuddling together. That's her definition of, "the best present of all." She amazes me.

     Children speak the truth. The words of that sweet little boy were raw and honest. It wasn't that he wanted to get up and just say something into the mic. He had learned something through the pain of his parents divorce. He knew a truth, and he had to speak it. He was thankful.

     Being thankful literally changes the way you see things. I've experienced it. I am ever so thankful for my Adelyn. Who reminds me daily that love and happiness and thankfulness is the stuff of life. Children speak the truth. "It's the best present of all." Why yes. It is.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Santa. God. Faith.

Santa. God. Faith.

     Adelyn, this Christmas season, has learned that there is a magical man named, Santa Claus. She loves Christmas. And it's amazing to watch her love of everything Christmas grow each day. Her favorite Christmas activities include opening her "chocolate calendar," watching Christmas cartoons, singing Christmas carols, and nightly walks to see the Christmas lights. We love walking at night. So peaceful. No traffic sounds. Normally, we are the only ones out. We walk around our whole neighborhood, stopping at each house that has decorated for Christmas. Her favorite house, I think, has two reindeer in their yard. She always points them out. I love her excited face. She's so amazing and sweet. When we talk about Santa, she always says, "Santa gon bring the toys!" And she kind of has this little southern accent going on lately. We have no idea where it comes from, but it's there. We hear it in words like toy, mouse, help. Toys becomes toe-ays. Mouse becomes may-ouse. Help becomes hey-lp. She's hilarious. I keep asking myself, do I talk this way too, and just not realize it?

     We have had such a lovely little Christmas season so far. Every day is an adventure. Every day a new Christmas discovery. Every day a new Christmas revelation. Tobin loves Christmas trees. He stares at them in wonder. He makes the sweetest face when he's looking at them. His lips form an "O." And his eyes are wide with amazement. Adelyn loves to hear about Christmas. She especially loves to hear stories about Santa and his giant bag of toys. It has been a sweet season.

     At the same time, it has been sad, hasn't it? Not for my family in particular, but for so many others. What happened in Newtown is just the worst nightmare any parent can imagine. I've lost a child. I know what it feels like to have held your child, and then to not be able to hold them anymore. I only got to be with my girl for 12 hours or so. Those parents had their children for years. And years. Memories upon memories. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of having your child--that you have had since day one for multiple years--ripped from your arms by such violence.

    I've always believed in God. But it's interesting that losing River made my faith in God stronger. My therapist asked me that one day. With a smile on her face. She said, "your faith in God is bigger than it ever was, isn't it?" And the answer was, yes. It is. Same goes for a friend who lost her baby recently. We have been emailing back and forth. And she mentioned the same thing. How losing her baby made her faith in God even stronger. I cannot explain this. I have no idea why bad things happen. And by that token, why bad things happen, and our faith in God grows.

     I remember watching this show about Santa when I was a kid. It was called something like, "Is Santa really real?" I watched it with my Dad. It was a show meant for kids, of course. But it was done kind of, documentary style. Like one might watch a documentary on Bigfoot. Little snippets of "real" video footage of Santa Claus. Stomping around many a house. Tugging his big red bag of toys. I was too old to believe in Santa anymore. I had long known the secret. But watching that show made me question. My Dad would look over at me, wide-eyed, with every piece of new video evidence that Santa was in fact, real. I remember asking him what he thought. He replied with, "I don't know. Maybe he is real." And I remember thinking, you know what, maybe he is.

     Last Christmas season was when I started this blog. To help me cope with the loss of my daughter. This Christmas, I am celebrating our season with our new baby boy. He was born on the same day that my friend lost her baby. I have no idea the significance of this, but it always strikes me. It has been a good Christmas season for our little family. Full of wonder and excitement and happiness. But, for others, it has and will continue to be, their worst nightmare. A living hell.

     Adelyn believes in Santa. She has faith that he will come on Christmas. That he will bring her toys from his big red bag. I know Santa isn't real. But her faith in the unseen is moving. I believe in God. Maybe some would say that my faith in God is like Adelyn's faith in Santa. Nothing more than fantasy. He is just a legend.  And that I will grow up one day to find that my faith in God was just a trick.

     Some may say that. And, honestly, I would understand them. This world, the things that happen in it, the horror of what happened in Newtown...I can't make sense of it. No one can. But I do know this: good things happen too. Horrible, unspeakable things happen. But, so do amazing things. So do miracles. They happen. I believe that if you look for God, even in the midst of devastation, you will find evidence that he is there, and that he is good. I know this because I have experienced it. Losing River. We suffered a massive loss. Devastation. And in the midst of that...there were miracles. Like the butterfly that landed on my arm. And stayed there for a bit. Opening and closing its magnificent wings. The way it fluttered around about me before it flew away. Seeing butterflies every time I stepped outside for weeks after she passed. The butterfly in her footprint that my sister discovered the day of her memorial service on October 15, 2011. Giving birth to my son exactly one year later on October 15, 2012.

     Having faith in God is much like Adelyn's having faith in Santa. Because you must have faith like a child. It doesn't make sense. It isn't logical. There will be those who say, it's just a trick. There is no Santa. There is no God. How can Santa be real? How can God be real?

     That's faith.

See the butterfly? Left foot, on the right side of her heel? This picture is a bit fuzzy, but it's there.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I've been thinking about this:

(Please note: somewhat of a graphic picture with some blood in it below. Number 5 on my list. If you have no desire to see it...don't read this post!)

I've been thinking about this:


1. This is our life now.

     A few weeks ago, we were all sitting around the table having dinner. Adelyn in her princess chair. Matt using his big toe to rock Tobin, who was sitting in his little rocker. I was starving. And scarfing my food down as quickly as I could so I could go feed Tobin. Who was starving as well. It had been a whole hour since I last nursed him. :) I had struggled to get dinner on the table that night, and we were eating late. Addy was especially fussy and whiny. Matt had worked all day. The house was a mess. And suddenly, for reasons I don't understand, Adelyn started throwing a tantrum. Screaming. Crying. Of course, when one is crying, the other one usually joins in as well. United front, you know? So there we were. Matt and I scarfing our food down as fast as we could with two screaming babies. Matt looked at me in the midst of all this, and exclaimed, "this is our life now." And he smiled a big, sweet smile. And we sat there. Smiling. At our life now. Seriously, we love it.

2. No one makes pie like my Dad does.

     For Thanksgiving, my parents and Shane came over. It wasn't the most fun Thanksgiving. Adelyn and I had a nasty stomach bug. Thankfully, I was well enough to eat some dinner, and some pie. I am forever amazed at my Dad's cooking abilities. He made pumpkin pie and pecan pie. Both of which...were amazing. He makes the best pies. And he doesn't use a recipe. No measuring cups. No measuring spoons. Nothing. Who does this? Who sets out to make a pie...and just makes it. No recipe. No measurements. Just says, okay, pecan pie. I'll add some of this. Some of that. And presto...the best pecan pie you've ever tasted. And if that isn't enough of a wonder for you, how about this? He makes his own pie crust from scratch as well. No recipe. No measurements. Just makes a pie crust out of thin air. And they are the best damn pies you've ever tasted.
     This amazes me. 

3. Click

     I never know what will set me off. This time it was a simple cautionary statement from Adelyn and Tobin's pediatrician. "Be careful with him...it's cold and flu season. Don't take him around large crowds of people. And if he gets a fever...call us. It is very dangerous for a newborn to get a fever within the first two months of life." That did it. My mind automatically adjusted from complete and utter joy and elation to fear mode. I kept thinking...I just have to make it to the two month mark. He'll be safe then. Two months. Two months. I said it over and over to myself in my mind. Two months. Tobin is six weeks now. And in those six weeks, Matt has had a terrible fever/flu illness that lasted a week. Adelyn has had a runny nose/cold. Adelyn got a stomach bug. I got a stomach bug. And with each illness that faced our family...fears grew. The two month mark became even more important to me.
     It's funny how easily fear slips in. Disguised as caution. Or even good common sense. Wash your hands becomes wash them until they bleed and crack. And also, change your clothes 10 times a day. They have germs on them. And also, wear something over your face to prevent germs from getting on Tobin. And also...don't go anywhere in public. Germs are lurking.
     I clicked through the first six weeks of my baby's life because of fear. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed every waking moment since Tobin has arrived. I have. But fear has also been there. Present. Every step of the way. Hindering me from fully enjoying what I can only describe as the "perfect" life.
     It's a daily battle. Sometimes I lose. But, I stand up again. And I keep on fighting.

4.Thanksgiving

     "I have so much to be thankful for," is an understatement. I cannot put into words how truly blessed our little family is. Life with Tobin around is so sweet. Adelyn is just the greatest big sister. And Tobin loves her so much. He smiles when he sees her. Or me. Or Matt. It's a very, very, sweet smile. He has also started to coo. He has the sweetest little voice. We love him so much. Adelyn loves to take care of him. She helps me with everything. She loves to help change his diapers by handing me the wipes and the diaper. She helps me put his lotion on after his bath. She hands me his clothes. She gives him his "cici" when he's crying. She's in love with him. As we all are.
     There should be more days dedicated to thankfulness throughout the year. Giving thanks for the many blessings I have, counting the good things, noticing what you normally take for granted in life--literally, saved me. Saved me from losing it during my pregnancy with Tobin. Anxiety, fear, and doubt can seem so strong. Stronger than anything you've ever experienced. But, thanksgiving? Literally looking at your life through the lens of thanksgiving will change you forever.
   

5. The most amazing picture I've ever seen.

     I've contemplated whether or not to share this picture. But, this picture is way, way too amazing not to. This is a picture of my sweet Tobin, still attached by the cord, right after my doctor delivered him. I stare at this picture in amazement sometimes. In awe of the sweet life that took 9 months in the making. The longest, and scariest 9 months of my life. And then, just like that...there he was. He came out crying. And, of course, I had to cry right along with him. I am just so beyond thankful for him.



     

Saturday, November 3, 2012

A first.

A first.

     Tonight was my first night alone with two kids. I made it. Wasn't perfect. I used gummy bears to bribe Adelyn to do a few things. Things like walk up the stairs. Sit down at the table for dinner. Stuff like that. But, hey...they were organic gummy bears. From Trader Joe's. So...not so bad, right? Tobin started screaming the minute I got Adelyn in the tub. We had to listen to him cry while I bathed her. I had to nurse Tobin and read to Adelyn at the same time. While sitting on a toddler bed about a foot off the floor. I've got mad skills. ;) I gave Tobin his first bath tonight. A truly traumatic experience for him. He hated it. And screamed the whole time. But, oh man...he is so sweet to cuddle. So, incredibly sweet. We cuddled for a long time after that big, bad bath.

     It wasn't perfect, but it was perfect. It was a bit stressful at times, but watching Adelyn kiss, "little baby Tobin," goodnight... I waited so long to experience those moments. To hold my son. To have him safe in my arms. To watch Adelyn love him. To be four. First night with two babies? Loved every second.
    
    

    

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Life with Tobin

Life with Tobin

     Life with Tobin is so sweet. He is just the sweetest little boy ever. He loves to nurse. He loves to sleep. He is so beautiful and amazing. I can't stop looking at him. And I just want to hold him all the time. Adelyn loves being a big sister. She doesn't love sharing her Mama and Dada, but she's getting adjusted slowly...each day gets a little better. Tonight, she read a book to "little baby Tobin." That's what she calls him. It's very sweet to see them together. She loves him so much already!

     I am just so proud of my sweet family. And overwhelmed with joy and happiness. My favorite Tobin moments so far are as follows:

1. Feeling my doctor press hard on my belly to get him out. When I complained about the pressure, she replied, "sorry, I know sweetie, I'm trying to get a 10 pound baby outta here!"

2. Hearing him cry for the first time.

3. Hearing my doctor exclaim that Tobin was, "10 pounds, 11 ounces!" (Adelyn weighed 11 lbs, 13 oz and was born at 42 weeks. Tobin weighed 10 lbs, 11 oz and was born at 39 weeks. If we had let Tobin go to 42 weeks, he would have been bigger than Addy! Matt and I make big babies!)

4. Feeling him against my face for the first time.

5. Nursing him for the first time in the recovery room.

6. Bringing him home.

7. Seeing Adelyn kiss him, love him, cuddle him, read to him, sing about him...she's in love with him. As we all are.

8. Watching Matt cuddle him. Which he hardly ever gets to do because I'm selfish, and never want to put him down.

9. Seeing him smile when he finishes nursing. Such a sweet, satisfied, milky smile.

10. Sitting at the table eating dinner as a family. I was talking to Adelyn about our family. I said, "Addy, our family has a Dada, a Mama, Adelyn, Tobin, and Roxy." And just saying those words made me so proud. So. Proud. And I wanted to get down on my knees and thank God for making our family complete. I honestly didn't know if we would make it to this point, and there we were...eating dinner together. It was an amazing feeling. One that words can't even come close to describing.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Tobin is here!

My sweet new love is here. All 10 pounds, 11 ounces of him! I'm way in love!


Sunday, October 14, 2012

1 Day Left

1 Day Left

     As I wrote those words, 1 day left, I felt two ways. Excited, and nervous. This time tomorrow night, I will more than likely be cuddling or nursing my sweet new son. Or watching him sleep. Touching his fingers or toes. Studying his face. Smelling him. Feeling his feather like hair.

     This has been such a long journey. The finish line is in sight. We're almost there...

     I cannot wait to have my next blog post be a picture of my new baby.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

2 Days Left

2 Days Left

     Had one last date night with my love tonight before our boy comes. It was fun to go out, but dear God...if I'm anywhere else but home, laying down...I am SO uncomfortable! Beyond uncomfortable. And in pain. I told Matt to remind me how uncomfortable I was tonight when we go into the hospital on Monday. Hopefully, it will make it a little less scary for me.

     Adelyn is getting very excited for Tobin's birth! She has been lifting up my shirt and kissing my belly every chance she gets! And she keeps saying, "Tobin is coming in 2 days!" I can't wait for her to meet him!
    

Friday, October 12, 2012

3 Days Left

3 Days Left

     Amazing day! Had my last appointment. As I was driving in...I started getting so emotional thinking about how this has been the longest 39 weeks of my life. It has been scary. It has been 39 weeks of treading water. Trying to keep from drowning in a sea of fear and panic. I really didn't think I would make it to that appointment today. I kept thinking...something...something will happen. And every time I had that thought...I had to fight it. It has been exhausting. The longest journey of my life so far.

     So, here I am, in bed, 3 days before I meet my son, feeling him kick and push my insides...and feeling overwhelmed with joy and peace and hope. I didn't think I'd make it to this point...and here I am. I made it.

     My Mom called me today, and pointed out that Monday, October 15th, is a special day for two reasons. It was last October 15th that we held a memorial service for River. Last year, we were mourning the loss of our sweet daughter. One year later, this coming October 15th, we will be celebrating the birth of our son. How amazing is that?

     So thankful tonight. So, so thankful that I am here. I made it here. Tobin and I, together. And on Monday, we start the next chapter. Aching to hold my son. Aching to kiss his face. I probably won't stop crying for days. What a celebration Monday will be. What an amazing end to this long journey.
    

Thursday, October 11, 2012

4 Days Left

4 Days Left

     Did I just write that? 4 days!?! Tonight, while I was saying prayers with Adelyn right before bed, she stopped me when I asked God to bless Tobin. She lifted up my shirt and put her hand on my belly. And she said, "baby in Mama's belly come out soon!" Then she kissed my belly, and smiled the sweetest smile while she cuddled her favorite baby doll...kissing the doll's cheek as she rolled on her side to go to sleep. I felt so much peace at that moment. So thankful for Adelyn who keeps me on my toes for sure, but also teaches me so much about peace. Just by being her.

     I cannot wait for our little family to be four. To be complete.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

5 Days Left

5 Days Left

     Packed half of my hospital bag tonight. Stuff for Tobin. A new paci, cute outfits, a new blanket, some hats. Been trying to clean. I just can't resist the insatiable urge I have to clean this house from top to bottom. It's hard to clean when my belly is the size of two basketballs!

     A friend from high school commented on my blog yesterday, saying that her stay in the hospital after her c-section was awesome. I never really thought about my hospital stay that way until I read her comment. I will have from Monday until Thursday to do nothing but lay in bed, and cuddle my new son. And I'm thinking...that's pretty sweet! Thanks, Carrie. Previously, I had been thinking about my hospital stay in a negative way. Mainly because of those nasty trays they wheel over your bed, and those black things they use to keep your food hot. Those two things gross me out. Can't explain it...just OCD thoughts, I guess. But, now...I'm thinking, I literally get to lay in bed and look at my son for four days straight. It's a pretty awesome thought. Can't. Wait.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

6 Days Left

6 Days Left

     This time, this day, next Tuesday evening...I will be laying in a hospital bed with my newborn boy.

     I literally don't know what else to say. Words escape me when I think that there are only six days left. Six days until our family becomes four. My hands and arms are literally aching to hold my son. Adelyn can't wait either. She is way excited about all the baby stuff around the house. She talks about Tobin everyday.

     Found it funny that the other day, Addy stopped what she was doing, looked at me, and said, "big belly!" Yep. Even Addy knows it is about that time...

    

Monday, October 8, 2012

7 Days Left

7 Days Left

     Was thinking today about the movie, Click . The one where Adam Sandler has a magic controller that lets him fast forward through the bad moments in life. Or the boring ones. Or the hard ones. Basically, anything unpleasant...he presses this magic button, and he skips past it.

     I go through days where I know without a shadow of a doubt that everything will be okay, and that Tobin will be in my arms in 7 days. I go through days where I know that I have nothing to fear with the c-section. And I go through days where I do nothing but fear and doubt and question and panic. Today was a fearful day. And I found myself thinking this horrible thought: skip. I wish I could click through the c-section, and skip to the good part.

     Shame on me for thinking that. For even letting that thought cross my mind. I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had a remote controller with a magic skip button. I am who I am, I know what I know, I live this life because of all the things I've walked through. I can't skip the bad parts. Or the scary parts. Or the parts that broke my heart. I had to walk through them. And if I hadn't walked through a bunch of sad and scary times...I wouldn't have known how amazing and sweet my life is now.

 
    

Sunday, October 7, 2012

8 Days Left

8 Days Left

     Interesting day. Having regular contractions for a while. They seem to subside when I lay down for a while. We'll see how well that works with a two-year old running around. :) I'm hoping he waits at least a few more days...I don't even have my bag packed!

     Celebrated A.J.'s birthday today. My Dad made dinner, and I wanted to eat like 10 plates. Schnitzel, mashed potatoes, red cabbage, brussel sprouts, biscuits, and gravy. Amazing doesn't even begin to cover it. It was beyond amazing. Love spending time with my family. And we had fun even though I was having contractions the whole time.

    

Saturday, October 6, 2012

9 Days Left

9 Days Left

     Single digits. 9 days. Loving that.

     Good day. Awesome day actually. Patty was released from the hospital! We are so thankful that baby girl and Patty are healthy! Had breakfast with Matt and Adelyn. It was such a sweet time with our little girl. Especially when Addy told us that being at breakfast was fun and special. She smiled and said, "this is fun, special!" Came home and watched a movie. Napped. All of us. Spent time with my family. Perhaps the best moment of my day was when I said to Adelyn, "I love you!" And she replied back, "I love you too!" That was a magic moment. The first time she said it back to me. So, of course, I replied back, "Aww, I love you too, baby!" And she replied, "I love you too!" We went back and forth like that for some time.

     Awesome day.

Friday, October 5, 2012

10 Days Left

10 Days Left

     Strange day. Stressful, then good, then stressful again. Praying for my sister and her baby girl tonight. She fell on her stomach today, and is in the hospital. Thankful for sweet Adelyn and sweet Casey. They are a handful, for sure. But, they are just so sweet and innocent that it can make a bad day seem brighter. So far, everything looks good, but we are still waiting to get the 100% all clear for her to go home. Praying that happens tomorrow morning.
    
     Tobin is growing bigger and bigger. The other night, I was sleeping, and his kick to the side of my stomach hurt so bad, I woke up suddenly. It made me scream out, "ouch!" I get the feeling that he won't be fitting into any of the newborn outfits I have in his drawers. My doctor thinks he's big too. And she said she can't wait to meet my son. She said she's always excited to meet every new baby, but then there are those special patients...who she can't wait to deliver. I can't wait either.

     Got out all our baby stuff the other day. One such item is the swing. Adelyn has taken a particular liking to the swing, and loves to rock her babies to sleep in it. She is going to be an amazing big sister. Can't wait to hold both my babies in my arms. What a feeling of "complete" that will be. Whole. Complete. Home.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

11 Days Left

11 Days Left

     Had my apple pie fix...and it was magnificent. Matt's Mom made a delicious apple pie that we devoured after eating an incredible steak dinner. Mario can cook a mean steak. I'm not a fan of steak when it is cooked by someone else other than my Dad. But, Mario did himself proud tonight. He made the cut.

     There comes a point in every woman's pregnancy when she looks in the mirror at her ginormous belly...and thinks...well, what the hell? I'm huge anyways, might as well enjoy what I'm eating. Not that I haven't indulged or had treats during my pregnancy. I have. I'm talking about this point: I was getting a bath the other day to try and relieve the pain in my back and the pressure on my belly when Matt walked in with a big piece of chocolate cake. Of course...I wanted a bite. As he fed me a few bites of cake...I had to laugh at myself. There I am...huge and pregnant, eating cake in the tub.

     So, yeah...I'm at that point in my pregnancy where I'm like...cake in the tub? Sure! Apple pie and ice cream after a luscious steak dinner? You bet ya! Besides...breastfeeding will take care of those extra pounds in a snap!

     Did I mention...11 days! Eleven. My son will be here in 11 days.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

12 Days Left

12 Days Left

     Scratch that whole "burst of energy" thing. It was short-lived. I kept looking at the clock today thinking, "is it naptime yet...is it bedtime yet?" Not that I am not enjoying time with my girl...even though she threw about 5 tantrums today...I am enjoying my time with her. Tantrums or no tantrums...these are my last days just with her. That's crazy. Anyways, enjoying my sweet time with her, but I am just so exhausted. I could sleep all day.

     Also...craving apples. I want like 10 pink lady apples. Pink lady apples are my favorite. Warm apple pie with ice cream and fresh whip wouldn't be bad either...

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

13 Days Left

13 Days Left

     Nesting is in full effect. Burst of energy. Needing to clean and organize and such. I'm hoping this doesn't mean labor is right around the corner. I'm super anxious to meet my little boy, but I need my last few days. To be with my girl. And clean. And organize. And such...

Monday, October 1, 2012

14 Days Left

14 Days Left

     Had a revelation.

     I'm scared of having a c-section for 4 reasons. 1. Went in to have Adelyn, and something went terribly wrong. We both made it through, but it was the most terrifying experience I've ever had. 2. We lost River. That was the hardest thing I've ever experienced. Giving birth to a child who won't make it. 3. The unknown. I have no idea what will happen. I don't know the future. Doubts, fears, and questions constantly bombard my thoughts. 4. It's normal to be nervous. Women who have 5 kids still get nervous. It's a big thing. To birth a child.

     Today, when I was pulling into my neighborhood from hanging out with Patty and Casey, this scene popped in my head from the movie Apollo 13:

     It is toward the end of the movie. NASA is waiting for Apollo 13 to return to earth. The NASA director is talking to another man. They are talking about everything that can go wrong. Catastrophe after catastrophe. That's all they're thinking about. The director says to the man, "This will be the worst disaster NASA's ever faced." Then, this other man who has been listening in, and who has been doing everything in his power to get the astronauts back home, chimes in with this: "With all due respect, sir, I believe this is going to be our finest hour."

     I'm scared. I'm nervous. Probably won't stop being nervous. But, I believe...on the 15th...it's going to be my finest hour. Because I'm going to try my very best to be brave and courageous. And because the payoff for the longest 39 weeks of my life will be my son. My Tobin.

    

Sunday, September 30, 2012

16, now 15 Days Left

16, now 15 Days Left

     Yesterday, I had the great honor of being in my friend's wedding. There comes a point in some friendships where you have known each other so long, and know each other so well-even if you don't spend a ton of time together because of schedules and the rush of life-that the friend becomes more family than friend. We reached that point long ago. I was so proud to be in her wedding, and so proud I got to walk down the aisle with my rather large baby bump. It was a great day! I loved telling everyone that asked about my precious boy that will be arriving very soon.

     Today was a hard day. I've cried many times today in sheer frustration over back pain and exhaustion. Back pain is the worst! I've never experienced back pain like this, but it is so so so so annoying. I can't sleep because it hurts so bad. I am up at least once an hour. Life with a nursing newborn will be a break from this. Truthfully. However, I think maybe the pain is good for me. Maybe if I was comfortable, I would have no desire to go through the trauma of childbirth. And I use the word childbirth because I'm still giving birth. Just because I'm having a c-section doesn't mean I'm getting off easy, or something. But, yeah...I'm thinking the constant back pain might make me the slightest bit eager to get to the hospital on the 15th. To lay down on the table, as nervous as I may be...and wait to see my son up above that little curtain. To feel his face agaisnt mine when the doctor lays him at my head. Face to face, just upside down. Tonight, when I get up every hour, I will try to be thankful for the pain because it means two things: I'm pregnant with our sweet son, and I will be ready to meet him on the 15th.

Friday, September 28, 2012

17 Days Left

17 Days Left

     In my friend's wedding tomorrow, and was talking at the rehearsal dinner tonight about the things I've done while I'm pregnant. I graduated from college with Adelyn in my belly. I walked across the stage...wasn't going to, but Matt made me. I'm glad he did. I'll always remember walking across the stage pregnant with Adelyn. Tomorrow, I will walk down the aisle in my friend's wedding with Tobin in my belly. And then...in two weeks, I will hold him in my arms.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

18 Days Left

18 Days Left

     My belly is rather large these days. And I feel a little foot poking one side of my belly constantly. I can't wait to hold that little foot in my hand. Matt and I were talking today about how we need to get the rest of our baby stuff set up. We want Adelyn to get used to seeing it around. We know she will be curious.

     It's almost October...

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

19 Days Left

19 Days Left

     I had a great appointment today! Tobin's heartbeat sounds perfect! He's moving around a ton. Love leaving the doctors office with a healthy report on my little lovebug. I only have two appointments left until Tobin is born. Whoa. Two weeks after this Monday. I cannot wait to meet my sweet boy.

     Tonight, after Adelyn's bath, we were singing while I put her lotion on, and she stopped suddenly, and put her hands on my belly, and said, "want to feel baby Tobin." I can't wait to see my babies meet each other. What a magical moment that will be.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

20 Days Left

20 Days Left

     Talked to Steph tonight, and she told me she had a dream about Tobin and I. The dream was this: that I had Tobin, and everything was perfect. Made me so happy to hear that, and have so much hope and confidence that everything will go great.

     Found a gray dress at Gap Maternity. And it looks cute on me. As opposed to atrocious...which is what every other dress I tried on looked like. I cried many times today looking for a dress. I'd leave a store, get in the car, and just cry in frustration. But, it's all good now. Dress found!

       Also, tomorrow will be 19 days until Tobin is born. Nineteen. This has been the longest pregnancy ever. Even my doctor says that. She's like, "man, you've been pregnant forever!" Agreed. Can't wait to meet my son.

Monday, September 24, 2012

21 Days Left

21 Days Left

     Ahh, the joys of pregnancy. I'm in a wedding this weekend. And I tried on my dress today... Not too good. So, I'm on a mission to find a new dress by this Saturday. Why is there not one charcoal grey, maternity dress out there? My belly is so big that even the knee length dresses might as well be mini-skirts on me. And why do they even make maternity dresses with material that is not flattering? What sense does that make?

     Tomorrow, the search continues. Chel, if you're reading this, don't worry. I will find something. And Tobin, I love you even though you're making this dress shopping thing pretty difficult!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

22 Days Left

22 Days Left

     Can I just take a moment to say: pregnant women deserve gold medals and trophies just for making it through the day. And the night for that matter.

     The day is fun. I'm at that point in my pregnancy where even my maternity jeans are uncomfortable. My back literally hurts every second of the day. I sound like a 500 pound sumo wrestler trying to get up out of bed, or out of a chair, or into the car, or off the floor...basically...all the time. The huffing and puffing is driving even me--crazy. And I'm the one doing it!

     Night is even better. I'm up every hour. EVERY. Hour. To pee. Then I get to reposition at least six pillows, and a pregnancy pillow. Only to lay back down, and be wide awake. I flip on The Office, and watch a bit until I fall asleep again. When I wake up again...it has only been about 30 to 45 minutes. How do I know this? Because I have The Office on DVD, and I just watch season after season. And when I wake up to pee again...the next episode is on. The one right after the one I put on to fall asleep to.

     I feel like a large, white, pregnant, beluga whale. With one ankle with crazy spider vein action happening. People look at my ankle and literally think it's broken...it's so bruised and dark with broken blood vessels. And I'm out of breath walking up one flight of stairs. And my stomach hurts from being kicked like crazy. And I'm nervous. And I have a million things to do before Tobin gets here. And I have a two-year old.

     That said: I wouldn't trade all this for anything in the world. It's part of the journey. The journey to becoming Tobin's Mama. And I cannot wait to look upon his sweet face. And kiss him. And cuddle him. And bring him home, and love him forever.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

23 Days Left

23 Days Left

     Bought some new things for baby Tobin today. It was so fun picking out boy things. Boy blankets, boy pacifiers, boy hats, a boy outfit for him to have his first photo in. When we came home, Adelyn and I tried out the blankets before I washed them. We opened each blanket up, looked at it, and then wrapped her baby in it. And to our surprise and delight...they worked. They kept baby, "nice and warm." Addy's words, not mine.

     Made me laugh when Adelyn wanted to try the pacifiers, or "cici's" out. I thought it had been long enough since we took hers away, but seeing those fresh cici's...brought it all back to her. She was a little upset she couldn't try them. She got over it when I suggested we all cuddle in bed and watch a movie.

Friday, September 21, 2012

24 Days Left

24 Days Left

     Adelyn came over to me tonight, for no reason, and kissed my belly. Then she patted my belly, and smiled. And as she stood there smiling, I thought to myself...she must know something I don't. Maybe my adult eyes are blinded. Maybe my mind can't fathom what she knows. Maybe there isn't an explanation for everything. Maybe she knew he needed a kiss and a pat. Maybe her innocence allows her to see and know things I am unable to see and know.

     I love magic moments like those. Where there is something more behind a simple action like a kiss and a pat. I guess she just knew he needed some loving. So thankful to have been able to witness that moment between sister and brother. Before they've even met.

    

Thursday, September 20, 2012

25 Days Left

25 Days Left

     For the past six weeks, someone in this house has had some sort of cold, runny nose, illness, etc. I know it has been six weeks because my friend had her second baby six weeks ago, and I have not been able to visit with her since then because all that said illness. I would feel terrible if we got her precious newborn sick!

     Tonight, while we were outside, my friend came out to mail a letter. She was carrying her newborn in her arms. I was so surprised and delighted when Adelyn stopped, and became very interested in the baby. It was really the first time she had seen him. She had seen him before, but he was always in the carseat, or stroller. Plus, I wouldn't let her go close fearing that he might catch whatever we all had. She kept saying, "take a look!" It was so sweet to watch. The smile on her face looking at baby Leo. And it made me so anxious to see her with Tobin. I cannot wait until this boy is born.

     Getting antsy. Very. Extremely. Antsy.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

27 Days Left

27 Days Left (Figured I should change my titles since we now have a date set.)

     Had an amazing day with my baby girl. It was rainy, we were stuck at home, we had no vehicle...so what else was there to do but have a girls day?!? It dawned on me that we had never really had a "girls day." It was really fun. First things first: make-up. Adelyn chose purple eyeshadow, and pink lipstick. I put some blush on her too. When she looked in the mirror...oh man, I wish I had that reaction on video. She felt so pretty and proud of herself. It was so sweet to watch. Then we tried on shoes. Adelyn chose to try on a hot pink pair of heels, as well as some black ones. Then we just hung out on the floor of my walk-in closet. We looked at clothes, wedding pictures, old cards...you don't have to teach a girl how to have a "girls day." We watched a movie together. Not a chick flick...but that will come all in good time. We watched, Monsters vs. Aliens. Good movie. It's Addy's favorite right now. We ate a few chocolate chip cookies. We cuddled. We talked. We looked at pictures and videos on my phone. We told secrets. These are the secrets I told Addy: "I love you," and "you're pretty." This is the secret Addy told me: "I love you." Thankful the rain kept us in today. We wouldn't have had the amazing day that we did if it wasn't rainy.

     The entire day, the ENTIRE day...Tobin has been moving, kicking, pushing, twisting, bending...you name it. My stomach actually hurts from being kicked so much. He is still moving like crazy as I write. It feels like he is moving around so much that he's going to break my water!

     Funny how anxious I am to meet my boy, but at the same time...the thought of my water breaking right now makes me realize how much I need these last few weeks. As uncomfortable as I am...I need them for me, for Matt and I, for Adelyn and I, and to get everything prepared for Tobin. I still need baby boy blankets, I need the perfect outfit for him to come home from the hospital in. I need to wash clothes. I need to buy diapers.

     Ah...even so, still can't wait.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Countdown, Day 13, September 17th

Countdown, Day 13, September 17th

     Was thinking today about how this Fall and Winter, we will have two sweet babies to cuddle with. Two babies to dress up for Halloween. Two babies to give thanks for at Thanksgiving. Two babies to sit on Santa's lap. Two babies to bring downstairs on Christmas Day. Two babies to ring in the New Year with.

     Also thinking today about a sweet friend who is going to meet her new little girl, Kaitlyn, today or tomorrow. She is being induced. I was induced with Adelyn. I remember going into the hospital so scared. I remember going into the hospital as just Matt and I. We came out of the hospital as a family. It was such a proud, strange, amazing moment. Leaving the hospital with our sweet baby. So excited for my friend and her husband to experience that moment together.

     Happy for my friend. And maybe just a bit jealous that she gets to meet her newborn tomorrow, and I have to wait for a few more weeks. :)

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Countdown, Day 11 &12, September 16th

Countdown, Day 11 & 12, September 16th

Day 11:

     Yesterday was such a fun day! Spent the day at Haymarket Day. A day celebrating our little town, Haymarket. We left our house early Saturday morning at around 9:15 for the parade. We walked right out of our neighborhood...and there was the parade. Pretty awesome. Adelyn and Casey had a blast! After that, we walked around and looked at all the vendors. Got some yummy food, homemade sodas, etc. Adelyn and Casey went on a train ride! The highlight of their day, no doubt. We walked all day until we got home around 2. Several times during our day, I had to stop, and bend over to try and stretch out my back. The weight of my belly puts such a strain on it. Seriously...back pain is the worst. The worst! My back hurts when I sleep. Matt was like, "someone is going to think you're in labor." Sure enough...one woman came over and asked if I was okay.

     Moral of the story: when one is 35+ weeks pregnant, one should not walk around from 9am until 2pm. I didn't drink enough, I didn't eat enough...felt like absolute crap. Thought I was going into labor. Got seriously panicked. Thus the reason I didn't post yesterday.

Day 12:

     Feeling good today. My little Tobin is moving and kicking like crazy. He's getting cramped in there. I can feel him moving way down low. Feels strange. Like he is scratching my cervix. Got a confirmation call from my OB. The date is set at the hospital. I got instructions about when to arrive at the hospital, to not eat or drink from midnight on, etc. It's getting real. He's really coming soon. Sometimes, I wake up at night, and can't go back to sleep. I lay there thinking about the c-section. Fearing. But then I think to myself, I birthed a 11 lb 13 oz baby. I birthed River. I can definitely handle this. The words of the OB that saved Adelyn's life come back to me, "You are one tough cookie." I often think about those words. I'm like, really. I am? I feel like the biggest wimp in the world. Just getting blood drawn makes me cry. But, if I really think about it...I am one tough cookie. Because I am wimp, and I was able to handle birthing Adelyn, and I made it through. I birthed and lost River, and I made it through. So, if I can make it through those things, that makes me tough, right? And being tough means I can make it through this c-section. I might be scared. I might be a wimp, but I will make through...so, in actuality, I'm one tough cookie.

     I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I'm scared, but I can do this.
    

Friday, September 14, 2012

Countdown, Day 10, September 14th

Countdown, Day 10, September 14th

     I was getting very nervous today. Just feeling anxious. Starting to worry that maybe Tobin wasn't moving around as much...questions, doubts, fears...all that jazz...

     My mind was wandering when Patty called me back to reality by telling me to look at a hawk that had landed on a car nearby. It was huge. Brown and white. Whenever I see one...my mind settles. My heart stops racing, and I feel a surge of confidence. Because hawks are my sign for Tobin. My sign that everything is going to be okay. That he is safe, and healthy. A sign that reminds me to have faith and hope. Needed that today.

    

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Countdown, Day 9, September 13th

Countdown, Day 9, September 13th

     Had such an awesome day. Took Adelyn to the Reston Zoo. She had a blast! I love watching her face when she sees something new. Well, sort of new. We went last year as well, and she enjoyed herself, but this year...she was running all over the place, and she loved all the animals, especially the goats and the snakes! I was like, really Addy...the snakes!?!? We are NOT snake people.

     I had two favorite moments today. The first was sitting on the wagon at the Reston Zoo. The way the sunlight hit Adelyn...I just couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She is so beautiful. I was thinking to myself...this is my little girl. This beauty. This angel. She's mine. My camera couldn't capture how beautiful she was in that moment today. Sometimes, in life, I believe there are just some things that aren't meant to be seen by anyone else. There are some things that are for my eyes only. Today was just one of those moments. It was for my eyes only. To see how beautiful Adelyn was on that wagon.

     My favorite second moment came tonight while watching the America's Got Talent finale. I hadn't felt Tobin move or kick me for a bit. I was starting to panic. My usual trick of patting my belly to get him to kick me didn't even work. Real panic. Then, suddenly...kicks. Peace. Tobin saying, "I'm here, don't worry."
    

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Countdown, Day 8, September 12th

Countdown, Day 8, September 12th

     Had a special day with Adelyn. Got some pumpkins and other fun stuff for our yard. Got some big girl utensils...which we have been needing for some time now. She's super excited about them. So excited that after asking us repeatedly to take them out of the package while we were still in the store...and having us turn her down many, many times...she took it upon herself to figure out how to get them out the package herself. "I got it!" She was proud. All I could do was smile.

     Went to a fun playground, had a picnic. Went to Carousel. Got some ice cream. It was great fun! I couldn't help but think all day long...there won't be many days left like this. With just our baby girl. I love taking care of her. I love feeding her. Playing with her. Bathing her. Brushing her hair. I love how I know her language. I love how after bath time we do this: I wrap her up in a towel, then she says, "I need  a cuddle." So, I hold her on my lap, and we sing a song together. It goes like this:

     "I love you so much, I love you so much, I can't even tell you how much I love you. You're special to me, you're special to me, I'm lucky to have you as part of my life. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you...I love you so much. I love you so much. I can't even tell you how much I love you.

     We never skimp on the, "I love you," statements around here. Never. And pretty soon...there will be even more, "I love you," statements. Even more declarations of love and adoration. I want my children to know always, always...that they are loved, and cherished. That they are more precious than anything in this world to me. I can't wait to hold both my sweet babies in my arms at the same time. What an amazing feeling that will be.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Countdown, Day 7, September 11th

Countdown, Day 7, September 11th

     Right before I gave birth to River...I went to God looking for answers. Looking for a miracle. I got my Bible, and said, "God, give me an answer." I opened to a verse that said, "the baby died." Not the answer I was looking for.

     After River died, I went back the verse that I had opened to. I was still searching for answers to all my why questions. I don't know if I will ever find the answers to all my questions as to why River died...but I did find this answer. I read on after the verse about the baby dying. It said that King David's wife got pregnant again after their baby died. They had a son. And they named him Solomon. I looked up the meaning of the name Solomon. It means peace. Turns out that Solomon became a King, and is thought of as one of the wisest Kings that ever lived...in the Bible. Interesting and fitting that the name Solomon means peace. When we lost River...it was turmoil. I've never experienced such anguish. But I believed this was my answer: my baby died. River died. But we would have a son. We would have peace.

     When I first got pregnant with Tobin, I was a freaking mess! I cannot even describe the fear I felt every second of the day. It was crippling. But I had to trust God. There was nothing else to do. I had to believe that we were promised a son. We believed from day one that I was pregnant with our son.

      When we found out that we were having our little boy, we knew right away that either his first or middle name would be Solomon. We were having trouble coming up with another name until Matt came across the name Tobin. It is the shortened version of the Irish name Tobias. We both loved the name right away. The meaning of the name Tobin is: God is good.

     That is how we came to name our son: Tobin Solomon. Tobin Solomon Sanderson. We think it is a good, strong name.

     Cannot wait to meet my son.

     

Monday, September 10, 2012

Countdown, Day 6, September 10th

Countdown, Day 6, September 10th

    Favorite moments from this day:

1. Getting news from my Dr. that October 15th will Tobin's birthday! 12pm! I can't wait to get my hands on him. I can't wait to hold him, and smell him. I can't wait to examine his fingers and toes, and marvel at how tiny his fingernails will be. I can't wait to see what he looks like. I can't wait to kiss him, and tell him how long I've waited for him.

2. Hearing Adelyn say repeatedly, "hold you, Mama," "I need a cuddle," I need a hug," "Mama, sit down in the chair with Addy." She loves me so much. It's amazing...her love for me. She amazes me.

3. Addy and I were outside doing some sidewalk chalk, and Matt came out, and Addy said, "Hey Dada, want to do chalk?" "Sit down, Dada." "Here, Dada, do chalk." And when he sat down, she smiled at us, and said, "Fun!"

4. Matt was taking the trash cans back to the backyard, and Addy wanted to walk with him. So we did. She picked up several leaves, handed us some, and started singing. All three of us sang together, while waving our leaves. As I turned around to watch Matt and Adelyn waving their leaves together, singing, bathed in sunlight...I thought one word: amazing. I use this word often, but it's the only word to accurately describe what my life is. Filled with little moments that others might pass off as ordinary. Taking trash cans around back. Singing with some leaves.

But I find them to be: amazing.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Countdown, Day 5, September 9th

Countdown, Day 5, September 9th

     Feeling tired and weak today. My back is constantly killing me. Constantly. It is so painful. My doctor suggested I get a belly band. Not a pretty one, but one that looks like what the men at Home Depot wear. She suggested I get one that has straps that go over the shoulder. Hot.

     It will be so worth it. I cannot wait to hold my son. I cannot wait to see the look on Adelyn's face when she sees Tobin for the first time. I can't wait to see how she reacts when "holding" him for the first time.

     Adelyn continues to be my sunshine. My joy. She gets me through the days. Whenever one of us is having a hard time, we let the other one know that we need a hug. Or a cuddle. Or a kiss. And you know what? It makes me feel 100% better whenever I get a hug or cuddle or kiss from my girl.

     Pretty soon, I will have double the hugs and cuddles and kisses. What love. What peace. What joy. I am so blessed. 

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Countdown, Day 4, September 8th

Countdown, Day 4, September 8th

     Adelyn and I watched a movie this afternoon. We watched Monsters vs. Aliens. She told me she needed a cuddle and a blanket, and since it was raining...what else could we do but be couch potatoes? I love the way she cuddles me. Because of my enormous belly, she has had to adjust a bit...but we make it work. As we sat there cuddled together, I wondered how many more days will we have like this? Just me and her?

     We play this game when we look into a mirror together. We put our faces together, we rock back and forth, and sing, "Addy and Mama, Mama and Addy." And then we smile at each other. It's not much longer that it will just be Addy and Mama. And when I think about it, I get a little sad for a split second. Not because Tobin is coming, but because this phase, this time in our lives is coming to a close. But then I think about all the joy that spending my days with just Adelyn brings me. And then I think...well, soon, it will be double the joy. Adelyn and Tobin. I'm blessed.

    

Friday, September 7, 2012

Countdown, Day 3, September 7th

Countdown, Day 3, September 7th

     Had an awesome appointment today! BP-perfect. Weight-perfect...but still scary! Tobin's heartbeat-perfect. Nice and normal. Looked at dates for my c-section. Asked lots of questions. My doctor is so amazing. I ask her questions like: do you think I'm going to die during my c-section. And she actually answers. "No, you will not die during your c-section."

     I love leaving an appointment with good news. I feel so on top of the world. And I always...always celebrate in some way. Today, I had a milkshake.

     Getting really excited and anxious to meet Tobin. I can't wait for that moment when my doctor holds him up over the drape...and I can look at him for the first time. I cannot wait to smell him. And kiss him.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Countdown, Day 2, September 6th

Countdown, Day 2, September 6th- Tobin's Room!










This is the weirdest pic...I know...but I needed a belly shot somewhere in this album, right? I feel like this pic looks like one of those pictures you see on Awkward Family Photos...in the pregnancy section...whatever, haha!




    















Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Countdown, Day 1, September 5th

Countdown, Day 1, September 5th

     Well, you really can't call it a countdown. It's more of a count-up. We don't have a date set yet, so...it could be any number of days. Tobin Solomon, our sweet son is due sometime in October. I honestly don't know how I will make it until then. I was big with Adelyn. Huge. It looked like I was pregnant with twins. That's what everyone told me. I don't feel like I look quite as big with Tobin, but I am in constant pain. I literally walk around like Frankenstein all day. My back is killing me constantly. And this boy moves. A lot. Adelyn moved around, but it was more like...stretching. Tobin hits me. Kicks me. Moves my entire stomach off to the right multiple times a day. I cannot lay on my right side at night. He doesn't like it. He kicks or punches me in the same spot repeatedly until I move to my left side. With Adelyn, I never once exclaimed, "OUCH!" With Tobin...it's multiple times a day. I will be 34 weeks tomorrow. I feel like I'm already over 40. It has been a long, long, LONG road. But we are almost at the finish line. I feel myself getting weak, doubting. Fearing. Questioning. Anxiety creeping in. So...

     I've decided to blog every day until Tobin arrives. On the day of his birth, I will post something short and sweet, with some pictures, hopefully. I want to cherish these last few weeks with my girl. I want to cherish these last few weeks of pregnancy. It will be my last. Matt and I always said we wanted three. And I always knew that I would have two girls and a boy. We have our two girls. One just lives in heaven. Our boy is coming. I want to look back on these blog posts and remember what a sweet time this is. I want to remember how precious Adelyn is at this age. And I want to focus on the joy of this last month of pregnancy. Not the pain. Not the fears. Not the what-if's.

     Day 1 down, ? to go...

    

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Missing you...


     Just writing those words (missing you)...beginning this post...the tears start to fall immediately. It could be that I am just incredibly emotional lately. I start sobbing at the drop of a hat. But, mostly, I think...I'm hurting. I'm missing my little one. Feeling like I failed her.

     This past August 17th was her first birthday in heaven. I had these great plans for celebrating and remembering her. But they just...didn't work. In our family, every birthday is celebrated this way: you get to choose what you want to eat for dinner. You get to choose what kind of cake you want. We eat dinner. We eat cake. While everyone is eating cake, we do affirmations. We each tell the birthday person why we love them. It can't be a joke. It can't be sarcastic. We have to say the words: "I love you because..." We open presents. We sit around and enjoy each others company.

     I wanted to make a nice dinner for River's birthday. It ended up sucking...big time. Everyone told me it was good, but I know better. It was crappy. I wanted to make a cake...but ended up buying these tiny cupcakes...they sucked. I bought balloons to release. One light pink balloon for River. And because Adelyn and Casey love balloons, I bought two extras. A blue one for Casey, and a hot pink one for Addy to release. Their gifts to her. I wanted to write messages on the balloon...we did, but it was rushed. It was about to rain. I wanted to take beautiful pictures of the occasion...but all I got were a few fuzzy pictures with my crappy camera. I didn't even get one family picture of us releasing balloons. Not one of the cupcake with the candle I blew out for her. I saved the candle. It's in her memorial case.

     I feel like I failed her miserably. I wanted so badly to make it a special occasion. I wanted her to peek down from heaven, and think...wow...they really love me. They must miss me. I feel like her birthday was an afterthought. I felt like everyone forgot. I tried so hard, but was unable to pull it together the way I wanted to. I have a two year old. I'm as big as a whale...pregnant with Tobin. My back is constantly killing me. I just...failed.

     I'm angry still. I'm hurting still. I'm angry that I can't hold her. I'm angry that I only had 12 hours with her. I'm angry at people. I'm angry that there are certain people...family members...who literally never said one word to me about her. Not one thing. Not a phone call. Not a card in the mail. Not even a measly sad face under any FB status about her. It wouldn't have helped me feel better about losing her. And, it's not like we are even close...but if these people lost a child...I would definitely contact them in some way, and offer my condolences. Why do people act as if she didn't exist? I held her. She died in my arms.

     I'm angry at family members who said she didn't deserve a memorial service because she never lived. "Why would we go to a memorial service for someone of whom we have no memory?" That is an actual sentence that someone emailed me. The hurt and anger I feel over that whole situation is something that I have still not been able to resolve. I know that carrying around anger only hurts me. But, I'm angry. I'm mad as hell at them. It hurts me deeply that they would say such hurtful things about my beautiful girl. I feel like they aren't even worthy of speaking her name out loud.

     The other day, I was at Giant. And I was reminded of something that happened about a week or so after River passed: I was leaving, and a woman who was working at the Chevy Chase inside the store caught my eye, patted her belly, and said, "Congratulations." And she smiled at me. My stomach was still looking pregnant. I looked at her, and I said, "I'm not pregnant. Actually, I just had a baby, and she died." And I left. I remember her looking just...dumbfounded. In shock. Embarrassed. And it made me happy that she felt sorry for saying that to me.

     I'm not proud about that. I'm not proud that I'm angry at people. I'm not proud that certain people's stupid words and actions can make me cry. And hurt me. I should be so much stronger than that. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful two-year old. I'm about to have a son in October. I feel ashamed that I'm still angry. I feel ashamed that this post is filled with anger and unforgiveness. I guess the only thing I can say is: I'm human. I know what I need to do. Forgive. Move on. Focus on the beauty and peace that surrounds my life. Be thankful for the hundreds of butterflies I've seen fluttering around me lately. Be thankful for all the people who did love River. But maybe...when it comes to death...does anger ever completely leave? I don't think so. You make peace with death. There are days when you don't feel angry. But, there are days when you do feel angry. I guess I've just had a bunch of angry days. And I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed. But, mostly, I feel ashamed that River's special first birthday in heaven passed me by, and I failed to make it special.


     I'm missing you, River.
    

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Let me count the ways...

Let me count the ways...

     This day, two years ago, we were all waiting. Impatiently, I might add. It was a super hot summer. I was huge. And past my due date. And everyone was wondering: when? She didn't come until August 20th. I was thinking today about the first moment I saw my Adelyn. It was the most amazing moment I've ever experienced. Like time stood still. All else faded.

     We didn't know if she would make it. She had to be resuscitated. Twice. Honestly, when she born, no one said anything to us. The only thing I remember hearing is a nurse telling Matt to, "come be with your wife." We cried waiting to hear if she would cry. Or make any noise at all for that matter. Those were scary, dark, minutes.

     And then...there she was. Naked. On my chest. I've never seen anything more beautiful in my life. That was when it was like time stood still. The twenty-some people milling about the room faded from my view. The realization of what had just happened seemed to disappear when I saw her. She cried a bit. I cried a lot. I felt like I couldn't open my eyes wide enough to absorb all the beauty that was laying on my chest. I touched her fingers. They were sticky. And so tiny. It was a feeling and a moment that I will never forget.

     Time marches on. It's bittersweet. I love watching my girl reach new milestones. I love each new step we take together. But, then, I remember. When all she wanted to do all day was lay in my arms. It feels like yesterday that she was a newborn. How can she be turning 2 this year? How is it possible?

     She has saved me. In more ways than I can possibly ever count. But, perhaps, the way that stands out the most to me is this: she has been my sunshine. My lighthouse. I know I've described her this way before. But, it's the truth.

     After she was born, I had a lengthy recovery. It was a very hard time in my life. Not because of her...but because of all the healing that needed to happen. I wasn't given the all clear from my doctor until March. She was born in August. And even then, my doctor was like: you're better, but not 100%. A month later, I was pregnant with River. The following August, we lost River. This January, I got pregnant with Tobin. This is the third summer in a row that I've spent pregnant.

     It has been a roller coaster. Lots of ups and downs. But one thing has remained constant. The pure joy and sunshine that is Adelyn. She has been my lighthouse. A bright, shining light when my days were dark. But I would never have known how bright her light shines unless I saw those dark days. The darker the day...the brighter she was to me. She is the most amazing little girl I have ever known. And she's mine!

     I could count the ways I love her...but the list would never end. I cannot wait to celebrate her birthday this year. She loves birthday parties. And party hats. And cake and ice cream. I can't wait to see the look on her face when we get up on the 20th, and I can tell her: today is your birthday! She has an awesome "excited" face. So in love with her!

    

Friday, July 27, 2012

100. Day 100.

100. Day 100.

     This is not a cop out. I cannot believe I made it to Day 100. At the beginning of this journey, 100 seemed like a lifetime away. I was in such a strange place then. I have learned so much from writing these past 100 days. I am so much stronger than I was at the start. I still have moments of weakness. I still fall short of the woman I want to be. But, wow...what a journey.

     I have learned how to better fight my battles. How to better quiet the voices of obsessive-compulsive thoughts, fears, and doubts. I have learned that having faith is just as hard as being fearful. In fact, maybe even harder. At least with fear and doubt, a resolution can almost always be found. And even if that resolution is a scary one, you deal with it. You learn to cope with it. But faith. Just floating in a black ocean...that is scary. There is nothing else to do, but float. Have faith. Sometimes, there isn't an answer. The only answer is faith. That's it. And that's all.

     Some days when I'm losing the battle, I go back and read my 100 days. And always, I am almost instantly on top of world again. To read 100 days of blessings, things that make me smile, bits of my life, things I don't deserve...it's amazing. It is simply: amazing. I am very blessed. And I don't deserve it.

     I am so proud of myself. Thank you to those of you who read, and followed me on this journey. I hope that in some way, my 100 days were able to bless you. Or lighten your spirit one dark day. It was a long, hard road for me. But, on this day, day 100, I am pleased to say that I am so very thankful for the long, hard road. It changed my life. Truly.

     The next 100 days? Bring it on. I'm ready.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

99. "I will carry you along, and save you."

Day 99. "I will carry you along, and save you."

     On day 99 of this journey, I am very proud to say that I no longer go through the day thinking: death, destruction, doom. I still struggle everyday...but it's getting easier to win my battles. Although, the other day, I went into a full blown panic attack. Couldn't breath, thought I was going to die, my heart was racing...it was just terrible. I literally didn't know what to do. I couldn't shake the panic. I went upstairs, and got my Bible. I opened to this verse:

"I will be your God throughout your lifetime--until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along, and save you." -Isaiah 46:4

     Okay.

 

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

98. Steph

Day 98. Steph

     While I was doing the dishes today, I started thinking about Steph. And how far back our relationship goes. We were friends in high school before I even started dating Matt. How funny is that? I remember riding in the back of Betsy driving home from track practice one night. Betsy was the family station wagon. She was blue. And she was big. She just looked like a Betsy! She soon became my station wagon. And, for real, I loved her! Pinecones stuck in the grill from me running into an tree...she was a beauty. I treated her like she was a race car. The Radiohead song, "Karma Police," came on the radio, and we both agreed that Yorke had a sexy voice. And we sat in the back seat (the very back seat, the one where you face the car driving behind you), jamming out to Radiohead. It was just one of those moments you remember always. Don't know why...

     I also remember a fight Steph and I had. Well, you really couldn't call it a fight. It was more like I screamed in her face, and she restrained herself from punching me. Really. I have no recollection of why I was so pissed, but I remember getting off the phone with her, and thinking...that's it. I'm going to drive over there, and let her have it. And that's what I did. I left my house. Drove over to Yadkin Court, with my sister and my cousin, Jen, for back-up. I parked, got out of the car, went in the house, and literally started screaming in her face. We were sitting at the kitchen table, and I was probably about one inch away from her face. Screaming my head off. And she just sat there. Not looking at me. Just staring at the window in front of her. I've never seen someone so calm and composed in the face of such rage. It was amazing, really.

     We laugh about it now. But I was thinking this about that situation. What kind of person has someone scream in their face, at the top of their lungs for several minutes, and does nothing?  And then, forgives the screamer. And then, accepts said screamer as sister in law. And then, loves the sister in law, like a sister.

     Stephanie. She amazes me. She is so loving, giving, unselfish, and kind. She doesn't hold a grudge, obviously. :) She knows everything there is to know about me, and still loves me, and calls me sister. She has been there for me during the hardest times in my life. She is like that with everyone. You can ALWAYS count on her. For help. For love. For a listening ear. And, you know what? She doesn't get enough recognition for how amazing she is.

     I love you so much, Steph. I am so proud and honored to call you sister. Thanks for loving me. So thankful for you!



Tuesday, July 24, 2012

97. Girls Night

Day 97. Girls Night

     Patty gets me. I get her. We've been best friends since she was born. We have more inside jokes than it seems could be humanly possible. Last night, our husbands had a guy night, so we had a girl night. We watched, The Office...of course. In bed. With some snacks. Pickles, colby-jack cheese sticks, and some healthy cheese puffs. The thing I love about hanging out with Patty is that there is constant laughter. Hard laughter. And sometimes...everyone needs to laugh really, really hard. We laughed hard at The Office. We are the kind of people who like to rewind the funny parts, and watch them over and over again. And it doesn't have to be a really funny part, it could just be a face someone makes. We laugh at inside jokes. Some of our jokes, we'll be like...where did that come from? Why is that so hilarious?

     Blessed to have my sister in my life. She's the best.

Monday, July 23, 2012

96. Seeing Adelyn be proud of herself

Day 96. Seeing Adelyn be proud of herself

     We have had lots of BIG changes the past few weeks. Adelyn no longer uses a pacifier, not even for nap or bedtime anymore. She now sleeps in a big girl bed. At first, everything was perfect. She stayed in her new bed all night and slept in until 9 most every day. Four days ago...that all changed. We think it's because she suddenly realized that she had freedom. She could get out of bed whenever she wanted to. So, we started the Supernanny method of putting her to bed: 1. Regular bedtime routine. Bath, books, prayers, kisses, etc. 2. Explain that it's bedtime, and that she must stay in bed. 3. Leave. 4. The first time she gets out of bed, we put her back to bed and tell her in a very loving way that it's bedtime, and she must stay in bed. 5. The second time...same thing, but in a more stern voice. 6. The third time and subsequent times...we put her back to bed without making eye contact or saying anything. Let's just say this about it...last night, I started crying.

     We had a victory with her nap time though. It took almost an hour and a half, but she finally fell asleep. When she woke up, she stayed in bed until we went to get her. When we did get her, we praised her about staying in her bed. We really made a big deal. High fives, lots of hugs and kisses, a special sticker...

     The look of pride on her face was amazing. Huge smile. You could tell she was very proud and pleased with herself. So worth all the hard work.  Love my Adelyn.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

95. My favorites...

Day 95. My favorites...

     Love, love, love spending time with my family. My favorite people. We always have the best time! It just fills me up. Today, we made home-made Big Macs. They were so amazing good! We danced to old country music, disco, and of course...we had to throw Addy's favorite song in there. Addy and Casey had a blast riding on Opa. They love to play horsey. The game was they get on Opa's back, he carries them over to Shane, and then dumps them off...it was great fun for Addy and Casey. Lots of sweet laughter. We had Klondikes for dessert. The first time Addy and Casey tried them. They loved them...especially the chocolate shell. We played for about an hour at the playground. Had a blast! Addy learned how to climb the rock wall with Opa's help. Casey made Oma slide with her for about 30 minutes, and the other 30, he made her play duck, duck, goose. His version of duck, duck, goose is to run around saying goose for as long as he has the energy to do so.

     I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. There is so much love, and laughter, and joy. We make the most of every minute. I would be so empty if I didn't have my favorite people around all the time.

Saturday, July 21, 2012

94. Seinfeld Moments

Day 94. Seinfeld Moments

     Matt and I had a lovely dinner with Steph and Mario tonight. Went to Mike's. We had two servers. Well, one server, and a guy who followed our server around the whole time. So, we got into a huge discussion about it. Mario and I thought that our server was in training, and being trained by the guy. Matt and Steph thought that the guy was in training, and he was following the girl, our server, around...learning from her. We discussed it on and off for some time. But by the end of our dinner...it was literally the only topic of conversation. We talked about it for almost 30 minutes. We became obsessed with it. Trying to figure it out. Mario finally asked them who was training who. Turns out the girl, our server, had been there for four years, and that the guy was a manager in training. She said he knew more about the company than she did. So, we called it a tie...but we all know the truth is, Mario and I won.

     It was hilarious. Thankful for Seinfeld moments. Thankful for family. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

93. Soup for my body and soul

93. Soup for my body and soul

     So, I threw up today. Twice. A lot. I ate some bad lettuce I think...the use by date was July 7, and when I ate it two days ago...I just got really sick to my stomach. Tonight, different story. I knew some pieces looked sketchy, but I picked them out. Didn't realize the date until tonight...
   
     Anyways, my sweet husband, after working all day in the rain, came home, and sent me to bed. He made Addy's dinner, gave her a bath, and put her to bed. Putting Adelyn to bed now comes with the added bonus of standing at her door, and putting her back to bed when she gets out and tries to play. We lost count somewhere in the 50's.

     I had been having a hard day anyways, so Matt picked up some chicken soup and biscuits for dinner. As I was eating my chicken soup after Addy finally went to sleep, I thought two things.

1. Chicken soup can work wonders. It always makes me feel better when I'm sick. It makes me feel cozy, and warm. It makes me feel taken care of.

2. My husband is amazing and so unselfish. He is like chicken soup for my soul.

     Blessed to have a man who loves me enough to send me to bed when I'm sick, and that buys me chicken soup. Blessed to have a man who loves his family more than anything. So blessed.

Thursday, July 19, 2012

92. Dreams of Tobin

Day 92. Dreams of Tobin

     I was watching The Office tonight. The episode where Pam has her baby. And as I watched it, I couldn't help but get really, super excited to have my baby. I cannot wait to meet him. And hear his cry, and the noises he makes. I can't wait to smell him, and touch his fingers and toes. I can't wait to hold him close to me.

     Is it October yet? Dreaming of you my sweet son. Thankful I have something so exciting to look forward to. My little boy!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

91. I love you so much...

Day 91. I love you so much...

     I have a playlist on my iPod called, Adelyn's music. I have all kinds of kid music in it. Raffi, nursury rhyme music, songs from Veggie Tales, and songs from a Discovery Toys CD called, "Sounds like Fun." I used to listen to it when I was a kid. The songs are tattooed on my brain. And they are becoming tattooed on Addy's as well. One such song is, "I love you so much." I started singing it to her when she was an infant. And I never stopped. Lately, I have had the pleasure of hearing that song sung to me. Adelyn breaks into her version of, "I love you so much," at least 5 times a day. The song goes like this:

I love you so much, I love you so much,
I can't even tell you how much I love you.
You're special to me, you're special to me,
I'm lucky to have you as part of my life.

   
     Adelyn's version goes a little something like this:

I love you ss much, I love you as much,
Tell you love you,
Special me,
Lucky aaaaaaaa life.

     Her version beats the original version by a million. So thankful for my baby girl.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

90. Sleeping Adelyn

Day 90. Sleeping Adelyn

     It was super hot today, so we went to the pool in the morning with Casey and Robby! Played for almost 2 hours. I thought for sure that Addy would get a good nap in. Nope. No such luck.

     That meant that she was way fussy at dinner. She was just so tired. She feel asleep eating her dessert. A chocolate chip cookie. She had chocolate chip cookie drool dripping from her lips. It was so funny! Anyways, I cleaned her up, and carried her up to the bathroom to give her a bath. She was so tired that she didn't wake up. So I sat on the bathroom floor holding her like a baby. And it reminded me of when she was a baby. She would fall asleep in my arms that way while I was breastfeeding her.  It has been so long since she slept in my arms that way. I was so thankful to sit there with her like that for a few minutes. Made me miss her being so tiny, but also made me excited to hold Tobin that way soon.

Monday, July 16, 2012

89. Let me feel you...

Day 89. Let me feel you...

     Sometimes I have nightmares. Sometimes I just can't sleep. I wake up because I'm thirsty, or have to go to the bathroom, or for no reason at all. But it's always the same thing. I wake up. It's quiet. And dark. There is nothing but me and my thoughts. And my mind wanders. Runs away even. It's hard to find my way back to a peaceful place when that happens. That's why I always have The Office or Seinfeld in the DVD player. I flip it on...even if it's 3 in the morning. It helps me find my way back to a peaceful place. It helps me forget. It helps me smile. And laugh.

     It's funny...my sister always tells the story about the last time she stayed with us...she was afraid a wolf spider might meander her way during the night in the basement, so she stayed in our room. Matt and I would sleep in our bed, and Patty started off on the sofa, but then began making up a bed on the floor because it was more comfortable. And because we are all so close...it was no big deal. It was fun, like a sleepover. Some nights when I would wake and turn on a show to quiet the silence, Matt and Patty would wake up as well. And because they know why the show is on, they don't say anything to me about it. It was kind of funny...it would be like 2 or 3 in the morning, and all the sudden, we are all awake, watching Seinfeld. Laughing in the middle of the night.

     Some nights, my shows don't work. My fears are louder. One such fear is about Tobin. Is he okay? If I wake up wondering about him, I touch my stomach. And I talk to him. I ask him to move. To let me feel him. I actually say out loud, "let me feel you." And always...just before panic is about to take over...he moves. He kicks, or punches. Moves his head. Wiggles his bottom.

     Instant peace.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

88. Being with family

Day 88. Being with family

     I love being with family. Being with family is my favorite time. My favorite thing. It fills me up. There is laughter, and playing, running around with the little ones. Trips to the playground. There is always...always, cookies. Opa and Oma know how much Adelyn and Casey love cookies. There is chatting, and story-telling. And there is always: amazing food. I don't mean to brag, but...if you want good food, come to one of our family dinners. We are the kind of people that make chocolate cake for dessert just because. Just because it's a Sunday. And we want it.

     Thankful I belong to the best bunch of people.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

87. My little "big" girl...

Day 87. My little "big" girl...

     Addy is sleeping in her big girl bed for the first time tonight. We put her to bed after books and prayer, and even though it took her a while to fall asleep, she didn't get out once. Matt and I are amazed! We were like...well, that was easy!

     She is becoming a big girl. Too fast. Is it bad that I'm kind of glad she cried for her pacifier? We were going to try and turn moving to the big girl bed into the last phase of weaning her from her beloved cici. When we closed the door, she cried for it. And it was such a sad cry...I just couldn't keep it from her.

     My girl is growing so fast. But seeing her with that cici in her mouth reminds me that she is still very much, a baby. My baby. Thankful that she's still my little one.

Friday, July 13, 2012

86. There's no place else I'd rather be...

Day 86. There's no place else I'd rather be...

     Today was interesting. But, not in a bad way. Just...a new kind of adventure. I decided that it would be a fun project for Adelyn and I to make homemade play-dough together. It started innocently enough. We went to the store together. The whole way over to the store, we talked about buying the ingredients, and mixing them up, making the dough, playing with it... The first ingredient on my list was cream of tartar. I picked it up, and handed it to Addy for her to hold. She was carrying a purple purse filled with treasures, and her baby, so she had one free hand. As I bent down to get the salt I needed, she decided it would be great fun to run away as fast as she could. Of course, I caught her in all of 2 seconds. I talked to her, and told her she needed to stay by me. She replied with, "sowry, Mama." Not one minute later, she tried to run away again. So, I had to take the cream of tartar away, and that started the tantrum. I was that person. Walking through the store with their kid crying their loudest pterodactyl cry. Complete with the stomping of the feet. And the screaming of the word, "NOOOOOOOOOO!" People were staring of course.

     As she was screaming, and people were staring...I thought to myself--honestly--,"there is no place else I'd rather be right now than walking in this store with my screaming child." Honest to God truth. I love where I'm at in life. I love being a Mama. Best thing ever. It took me forever to get pregnant with her. We almost lost her at birth. We've had one miscarriage. We've lost a child. We know what it is to be grateful for what we have. And I don't mean for that to seem like I'm bragging. I just mean that...I so appreciate every step. Every second. Every memory. Every milestone. Every rite of passage. Even those that include getting stared at in the store because your child is screaming their head off.

     Honestly, there is no place else I'd rather be. So, so, so thankful. For the many blessings in my life that I don't deserve.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

85. Gifts

Day 85. Gifts

     I think gifts are such a good way to tell someone you love them. I love getting gifts. It makes me feel so special. I have gifts from special people that I could never part with. Gifts like a 15 year old or so tin of Bert's Bees lip balm my Dad gave me. A card one of my students gave me drawn in pencil on white copier paper. My orange jean jacket. Got it for my 16th birthday from my parents. Best jacket ever.

     Adelyn has inherited the gift loving trait from me. She loves gifts. And any gift she gets is very special to her. So special that she has to carry it everywhere she goes for a few days...or even a few weeks after getting it.

     Today, Addy got some gifts from her Omi. And she had to hold them all on the way home. She held her baby, a teddy, a bubble wand, some stickers, and some playdough tools. When I looked back at her, all you could see was her head, and her legs. The rest was treasure and gifts.

     I love her.