Dear Fear,

     I was filing papers in my classroom this afternoon while my students were in music class. I don't like the quiet. So whenever there are quiet moments that need to be filled with noise, I turn to my tried and true method of silencing the silence; The Office. It was a Halloween episode. I had seen it at least 30 times. (Not an exaggeration.) But that's the funny thing about watching things over and over again. You pick up on things that didn't register the first time. Or the thirtieth time. I heard this as I was filing:

     "Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it, we take a day a year to dress up in costume and celebrate fear."
-Robert California

     Yes. How dare we? More specifically...how dare me? This spoke to me because I've been dealing with a different kind of fear as of late. This kind of fear makes me question myself. It tells me I'm not good enough. It tells me I can't do it. It tells me that there aren't any words left to say. It tells me that people will hate me. Look at me differently. It tells me that I'm not special enough, or great enough, or smart enough to do it.

     Allow me to explain. While I stopped blogging daily, I haven't stopped writing daily. Even if it's only just a small note in my phone, or something scratched out on scrap paper. What I am working on now is this: a book. My book. And the fears that have risen up because I have started this new project are ones I have not much dealt with before.

     This is how I'm going to stare this new sort of fear in the face and tell it to go to hell: I'm going to write. And then write more. And some more after that. And every day I will write until my book is done. And if it gets published, great. And if it doesn't, great. The reason I'm writing is because I have to. I must. Writing is like breathing. And if I can't write, I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't live. Dramatic, you say? Perhaps... But it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I must write. So I'm going to. And I'm going to do this: once a week, I will write a new blog post. Inside each new blog post will be one sentence from my writing from that week.

     So there. Take that, new stupid fear.

For many things.

     Tonight, I'm thankful for a Star Wars birthday party for the best nephew.

     I'm thankful for snow in late March.

     I'm thankful for winter sunsets.

     I'm thankful for fancy tea rooms with the most delicious food and the most wonderful woman.

     I'm thankful for family.

     For date nights spent bowling with people that are both family and best friends.

     For playground playing.

     For birthday parties.

     For more beautiful winter sunsets. And for more playground playing.

     I'm thankful for Easter.

     For events in our little town of Haymarket. I love living here.

     I'm thankful for springtime.

     I am thankful for many things tonight. For sunsets. For birthday parties. For trees. For the sweetest four babies anyone could ever ask for. I'm thankful for a new haircut. Courtesy of my parents. I'm thankful for all the good news we have received over the past few months. I'm thankful for time spent with the ones I love and cherish. But perhaps, most of all, tonight, I'm thankful to be home from the hospital with Tobin. We had to go into the ER with him today because he was having trouble breathing. But we are home. And he is breathing better. And sleeping peacefully now. I'm thankful for the love and support of my family. We were in the middle of having a birthday party for Patty when we had to take Tobin to the hospital. My mom and grandmother came with me. My grandmother paid our hospital bill. And my sister cleaned up my kitchen on her birthday, and took Adelyn home with her.

     My family sticks together. We help each other and love each other and take care of each other. Without them, I would be lost in this world. I am thankful for a great many things, but tonight, I'm especially thankful for family. What a wonderful word. Family. I'm certain that without my family and without their love, my heart would stop beating.