I forgot to buy her flowers.
It’s been a super busy week. There’s a lot going on, and my mind is fuzzy. We went on a walk to try and find some wildflowers, but we didn’t find any. I felt terrible not to have flowers for my girl on her 13th birthday.
I found some dried flowers I had in the house, and I placed them beside her cake. I sat for a long time watching the lone white candle burn. I thought about how her feet looked like Matt’s feet. Her middle toe was her longest toe just like his. Her arch was high. They were the most perfect feet and toes I have ever seen. I wish I had kissed them.
We had a gender reveal party for my brother and his wife today. Cheyenne had a pinata and all the kids took turns hitting it to finally reveal little pink pom-poms, glow sticks, pink necklaces, and chocolates covered in pink paper.
Shane and Cheyenne’s baby girl is due on Christmas Day. River was due on Christmas too. I think it’s fitting that we had the gender reveal party today. On River’s birthday. I think it’s interesting that it’s their first baby girl after three boys. I think it really means something that I’ve just discovered that the number 17 represents victory and perfection.
On the day of River’s birth, I had fallen asleep with her in my arms while her heart was still beating. When I woke up, it had stopped. I knew it had stopped even before the nurse told me. I could tell because something had changed in the room. I felt a shift. But it wasn’t bad or scary or dark. It was as if peace had flowed into the room like sunlight pours in through open windows on a bright, sunny day. It doesn’t surprise me to think about that peaceful feeling now. I imagine becoming an angel is an easy process.
I forgot to buy her flowers. I’m not perfect. But she is.
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