You've Got the Love.

     I thought a long time about what the title of this blog should be. I wanted it to capture what I would write about. What I'm about. It wanted it say: I write about family. I write about my daughters. I write about my husband. About Roxy. About friendships. About happiness and sorrow. I write about how at the end of the day, I sometimes feel like a failure. I write about how the smell of Adelyn's hair is like the sweetest perfume. About how the peace I experience when I lay in bed with Matt, Addy, and Roxy is so real...I can almost reach out and touch it.
 
     I'm very into Florence + the Machine right now. Her songs seem to have a very "religious experience" tone to them. They seem to fit my every mood. Late one night when I should have been cleaning, I came across one song I hadn't really listened to before. It's called, "You've Got the Love." The lyrics, as her songs, seem to fit my mood whether I'm happy, sad, feeling hopeful, or hopeless.  Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying, "Lord, I just don't care,"
But you've got the love I need to see me through.

Sometimes it seems the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you've got the love I need to see me through.

When food is gone you are my daily need
When friends are gone I know my Savior's love is real
Your love is real.

You've got the love.

Time after time, I think, "Oh Lord, what's the use?"
Time after time I think it's just no good
Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose
But you've got the love I need to see me through

You've got the love. 


     It's amazing how this one song can encompass all of the feelings, thoughts, excitement, and disappointments I have experienced in the past months. It has been a road like none other I have ever traveled down. I have had every excuse to just lay in bed, and cry. And be depressed. And smoke to my heart's content. And drink to dull the pain. But I've got the love. I've got Addy. She is like a breath of fresh air in a crowded room. A tall drink of ice water on a hot day. She is my peace and my happiness. The joy of my life. She was the light in the lighthouse while I was drowning in a stormy sea. I've got the love. I have my family. I have my husband who has been the rock I needed to lean against. Who never left my side for two weeks straight after our sweet River flew to heaven. I've got the love. I have my parents, and my siblings who wanted River every bit as much as we did. I've got the love.

     I lost my daughter. True. But I've got the love. I have incredible LOVE in my life. Love that I don't deserve. Love that saved me. Before River passed, I begged God not to take her. I cried, I pleaded, I tried to make deals, I screamed, I cursed. But there was nothing I could do. He had different plans for my life and for hers. A few months before she was born and died, this happened: While playing outside with Addy, we came across a dead, underdeveloped baby bird in our yard. There was no nest, no egg, no tree above us. Just this bird. When I bent down to look at it, the thought came to me, "This is what your baby will look like. Underdeveloped. But you won't be afraid." I immediately brushed it off as a terrible OCD thought--which often plague my mind. Fast forward a few months, and on August 17, 2010, my sweet River was born. I was terrified to see her. I didn't know if I could look at my baby so tiny, and so not ready to be born yet. I was 23 weeks along in my pregnancy. I remembered the bird. The nurse wrapped up my baby, and brought her to me. She was amazing. I didn't know so much beauty could be fit into such a small package. She lived for 12 hours. She died sleeping in my arms. But I've got the love.


      When I came home from the hospital, I didn't want to leave my house for ANY reason. I wanted Matt, Addy, Roxy, and I to stay safe inside. The only time I left the house was to get the mail every day. On one of the days I left to get the mail, this happened: I was standing at the mailbox. A big, beautiful, monarch butterfly came and landed on my arm where River's sweet head had laid. It stayed a few seconds, and then fluttered off. Every day after that up until November, EVERY single time I was outside, a butterfly (usually a monarch) came and fluttered about around me. I've got the love. At River's memorial service, my sister noticed that located within my daughter's sweet footprint, was the imprint of a butterfly.

     There have been days when I put Addy to bed, and I wander through the house, weeping over the lost life of my daughter, River. Days where darkness seems to loom, and I don't know how to breath and keep moving. Days where I am literally trudging through the day. But then I remember, I've got the love. I tell myself, "You've got the love." I am literally drenched with blessings in my life. Soaked with them. I've got incredible love in my life. I don't deserve all this joy and peace. When it comes to River, something I always think is this: Who am I? That I was chosen to be the mama of an angel? Her short life has touched an amazing amount of lives. Her life brought my family closer than I ever thought was possible. Her life has inspired tattoos. (And more to come.) Her life has inspired this blog. Her life has made me new.

     Her due date was December 24th. I remember telling everyone that we would have the greatest Christmas present ever. When she died, it felt like God had slapped me in the face. But now, with all she has taught me, and all I have learned from her life and death, and with Christmas just a few days away... I think of it like this: She still is one of the greatest Christmas presents ever. She just came early. But who doesn't love an early Christmas present?

     Seriously, I've got the love.

UPDATE: The name of my blog has been changed from, "You've Got the Love", to, "Rivers of Thankfulness." I made this change on January 1, 2014. I wanted the title to say more about what my blog is about. And I think my new name does that perfectly :)