August 17, 2019
Day 1,053
Thankful for River. Today was her birthday, and it was a sweet, sweet day. I spent it at home with my family. We relaxed. I cried. I looked through River's case. I blew out her candle and put the candle in her case. I talked with Patty and Chelsea. I remembered my sweet girl's special day here on earth, and wished her the happiest of birthdays in heaven.
Thankful that I have an angel in the heavens to call my own.
Showing posts with label River. Show all posts
Showing posts with label River. Show all posts
Saturday, August 17, 2019
Friday, December 5, 2014
Raindrops and Blessings and Christmas.
Project 365 * 4
Day 680
"We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love..."
When we lost River, I doubted. The day before she was born and died, I laid on the couch in our living room. I stared out the window and cried. I kept my hands on my belly. I felt River move inside me as I doubted. And questioned. And begged for a miracle. I have never felt so alone. So scared. So helpless. Or more devastated. I doubted that day. And for many days afterwards. For many months afterwards. It was a dark time.
"What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"
Losing River was the most devastating event of my life. But giving birth to her, holding her, knowing her, smelling her, and loving her has been the most extraordinary event of my life. Her life, her death...the biggest rain storm I've ever known, has turned out to be one of my life's greatest blessings. I never would have known life as I know it now had it not been for River. I never would have known that being thankful everyday is the greatest therapy known to man. I never would have known that life can be lived without fear. I never would have known how important time is. I never would have known that blessings can come through raindrops.
As I was driving to work this morning, flipping through the radio stations, watching the rain fall, I heard a song that I heard years ago. A few weeks after I lost River. I don't think it's a coincidence. I think it's a reminder. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm having this rush of memories so close to Christmas. River was supposed to be my Christmas baby. She was due on December 24th. I still think of her as my Christmas baby. She was one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received. How could I be anything but grateful for the time I had with her? How could I be anything but thankful that she was mine.
Thankful for my Christmas baby; the biggest and greatest gift I've ever received in such a tiny package. Thankful for blessings through raindrops. For mercies in disguise. Thankful for this special season filled with wonder and excitement. Thankful for the thrill of hope. A time for a weary world to rejoice. Thankful for the rain this morning. Thankful for this: "It came without presents. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags. Maybe Christmas, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Yes. It means more. Christmas is about a great gift. A gift of love. And hope. And peace. And just like the first Christmas gift, my Christmas baby was a gift of love and hope and peace. And for that, I am forever thankful and grateful and blessed.
Day 680
"We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love..."
When we lost River, I doubted. The day before she was born and died, I laid on the couch in our living room. I stared out the window and cried. I kept my hands on my belly. I felt River move inside me as I doubted. And questioned. And begged for a miracle. I have never felt so alone. So scared. So helpless. Or more devastated. I doubted that day. And for many days afterwards. For many months afterwards. It was a dark time.
"What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"
Losing River was the most devastating event of my life. But giving birth to her, holding her, knowing her, smelling her, and loving her has been the most extraordinary event of my life. Her life, her death...the biggest rain storm I've ever known, has turned out to be one of my life's greatest blessings. I never would have known life as I know it now had it not been for River. I never would have known that being thankful everyday is the greatest therapy known to man. I never would have known that life can be lived without fear. I never would have known how important time is. I never would have known that blessings can come through raindrops.
As I was driving to work this morning, flipping through the radio stations, watching the rain fall, I heard a song that I heard years ago. A few weeks after I lost River. I don't think it's a coincidence. I think it's a reminder. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm having this rush of memories so close to Christmas. River was supposed to be my Christmas baby. She was due on December 24th. I still think of her as my Christmas baby. She was one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received. How could I be anything but grateful for the time I had with her? How could I be anything but thankful that she was mine.
Thankful for my Christmas baby; the biggest and greatest gift I've ever received in such a tiny package. Thankful for blessings through raindrops. For mercies in disguise. Thankful for this special season filled with wonder and excitement. Thankful for the thrill of hope. A time for a weary world to rejoice. Thankful for the rain this morning. Thankful for this: "It came without presents. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags. Maybe Christmas, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Yes. It means more. Christmas is about a great gift. A gift of love. And hope. And peace. And just like the first Christmas gift, my Christmas baby was a gift of love and hope and peace. And for that, I am forever thankful and grateful and blessed.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
"It's just a web."
Project 365 * 4
Day 650
*There is a picture of River below. She is beautiful, only tiny. I'm only writing this note in case there is someone reading this who doesn't want to see a tiny baby. It was taken just after she was born. She died a few hours later sleeping in my arms.
I was reading, Charlotte's Web, to my students today when this passage hit me like a waterfall of truth:
"Do you understand how there could be any writing in a spider's web?" "Oh, no," said Dr. Dorian. "I don't understand it. But for that matter I don't understand how a spider learned to spin a web in the first place. When the words appeared, everyone said they were a miracle. But nobody pointed out that the web itself is a miracle." "What's miraculous about a spider's web?" said Mrs. Arable. "I don't see why you say a web is a miracle--it's just a web." "Ever try to spin one?" asked Dr. Dorian. Mrs. Arable shifted uneasily in her chair. "No," she replied. "But I can crochet a doily and I can knit a sock." "Sure," said the doctor. "But somebody taught you, didn't they?" "My mother taught me." "Well, who taught a spider? A young spider knows how to spin a web without any instructions from anybody. Don't you regard that as a miracle?" -E.B. White
That passage got me thinking about this: "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein
Today is October 15th. On this day, three years ago, my family and close friends gathered together in a church to say a proper goodbye to River. It was a beautiful service. A day that I'll remember forever.
Today is October 15th. On this day, two years ago, I gave birth to my amazingly, sweet son, Tobin. From the first moment I knew of his existence, he became my hope. I never knew how powerful hope could be until I became pregnant with him. Every minute of every day, I clung to hope.
Today is October 15th. It is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So many people missing their little ones today.
Today is October 15th. The world seems to have gone mad. I actually asked Matt tonight, "is this the beginning of the end?"
Today is October 15th. For every bit of madness in the world, there is 100 times more good. There is good. There are miracles.
I find it fitting that I read that bit about miracles in Charlotte's Web today. On October 15th. A day torn between goodness and sadness. Tobin's birthday. So much goodness. A day to remember my daughter. So much sadness. A day for families everywhere to remember their loved ones. Sadness, yes. But, there is also good there. There are miracles there. Isn't all life a miracle? Even short ones? Even ones that end in the womb? Even ones that end in their mother's arms?
"It's just a web." I never want to live my life that way. It's just...It's only...
No. "There are only two ways to live your life." So I choose to live this way:
There is good. There are miracles. This is not the beginning of the end. It's not just a web. It's a web. It's not just October 15th. It's October 15th. She's not just my daughter. She's my daughter. He's not just my son. He's my son. Just can be a dangerous word. It leaves us teetering on the edge of complacency. It erases the possibility of miracles. It dulls us. Never say, "it's just a web." Nothing is ever just anything.
Tonight, I'm thankful for a great many things. For Tobin. My boy. My son. My hope. How I made it one day of my life without him, I'll never know. I'm thankful for my sister. She made the sweetest party for Tobin today. Decorations. A lovely meal. The best damn cake I've ever had in my entire life. I'm thankful for family. For daughters and sons. For sisters and brothers. For mothers and fathers. I'm thankful for my husband who worked all day in the pouring rain. For us. I'm thankful for a warm, dry home. I'm thankful for plenty of food for my family. I'm thankful for the love of dogs. They are among the greatest creatures that walk this earth. I'm thankful for red leaves. For cloudy days. For the sound of rain. For the smell of rain. I'm thankful for a day called, October 15th. A day that will always be miraculous. The day that hope was born, and we named him Tobin. Words cannot say how thankful I am for my son. It is the day I said goodbye to my River. A day that I said...until we meet again. It is a day for so many others to remember their precious ones. It is a day that is entirely sad. And entirely good. And entirely miraculous.
Just a web? Oh, Mrs. Arable. I'm sad for you.
Day 650
*There is a picture of River below. She is beautiful, only tiny. I'm only writing this note in case there is someone reading this who doesn't want to see a tiny baby. It was taken just after she was born. She died a few hours later sleeping in my arms.
I was reading, Charlotte's Web, to my students today when this passage hit me like a waterfall of truth:
"Do you understand how there could be any writing in a spider's web?" "Oh, no," said Dr. Dorian. "I don't understand it. But for that matter I don't understand how a spider learned to spin a web in the first place. When the words appeared, everyone said they were a miracle. But nobody pointed out that the web itself is a miracle." "What's miraculous about a spider's web?" said Mrs. Arable. "I don't see why you say a web is a miracle--it's just a web." "Ever try to spin one?" asked Dr. Dorian. Mrs. Arable shifted uneasily in her chair. "No," she replied. "But I can crochet a doily and I can knit a sock." "Sure," said the doctor. "But somebody taught you, didn't they?" "My mother taught me." "Well, who taught a spider? A young spider knows how to spin a web without any instructions from anybody. Don't you regard that as a miracle?" -E.B. White
That passage got me thinking about this: "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." -Albert Einstein
Today is October 15th. On this day, three years ago, my family and close friends gathered together in a church to say a proper goodbye to River. It was a beautiful service. A day that I'll remember forever.
Today is October 15th. On this day, two years ago, I gave birth to my amazingly, sweet son, Tobin. From the first moment I knew of his existence, he became my hope. I never knew how powerful hope could be until I became pregnant with him. Every minute of every day, I clung to hope.
Today is October 15th. It is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So many people missing their little ones today.
Today is October 15th. The world seems to have gone mad. I actually asked Matt tonight, "is this the beginning of the end?"
Today is October 15th. For every bit of madness in the world, there is 100 times more good. There is good. There are miracles.
I find it fitting that I read that bit about miracles in Charlotte's Web today. On October 15th. A day torn between goodness and sadness. Tobin's birthday. So much goodness. A day to remember my daughter. So much sadness. A day for families everywhere to remember their loved ones. Sadness, yes. But, there is also good there. There are miracles there. Isn't all life a miracle? Even short ones? Even ones that end in the womb? Even ones that end in their mother's arms?
"It's just a web." I never want to live my life that way. It's just...It's only...
No. "There are only two ways to live your life." So I choose to live this way:
There is good. There are miracles. This is not the beginning of the end. It's not just a web. It's a web. It's not just October 15th. It's October 15th. She's not just my daughter. She's my daughter. He's not just my son. He's my son. Just can be a dangerous word. It leaves us teetering on the edge of complacency. It erases the possibility of miracles. It dulls us. Never say, "it's just a web." Nothing is ever just anything.
Tonight, I'm thankful for a great many things. For Tobin. My boy. My son. My hope. How I made it one day of my life without him, I'll never know. I'm thankful for my sister. She made the sweetest party for Tobin today. Decorations. A lovely meal. The best damn cake I've ever had in my entire life. I'm thankful for family. For daughters and sons. For sisters and brothers. For mothers and fathers. I'm thankful for my husband who worked all day in the pouring rain. For us. I'm thankful for a warm, dry home. I'm thankful for plenty of food for my family. I'm thankful for the love of dogs. They are among the greatest creatures that walk this earth. I'm thankful for red leaves. For cloudy days. For the sound of rain. For the smell of rain. I'm thankful for a day called, October 15th. A day that will always be miraculous. The day that hope was born, and we named him Tobin. Words cannot say how thankful I am for my son. It is the day I said goodbye to my River. A day that I said...until we meet again. It is a day for so many others to remember their precious ones. It is a day that is entirely sad. And entirely good. And entirely miraculous.
Just a web? Oh, Mrs. Arable. I'm sad for you.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
River
Project 365 * 4
Day 592
52 Kind Things
With the weeks getting busier and busier, I am finding it harder and harder to do kind things outside of my own home. I did pick up trash around my neighborhood this week. Just little bits here and there whenever I took Roxy out. Even the littlest bit helps, I think. Maybe even the littlest bit might make a difference. Maybe for some small sparrow somewhere. Or for the many rabbits and squirrels that like to sit in my front yard on cool mornings. I think, even the littlest acts of kindness matter.
52 People I Love
Today was River's third birthday in heaven. I bought her a cake. My grandparents bought her a balloon. A really pretty one. We sang, "Happy Birthday." And then there's this. My mom, dad, brother, and I were sitting in my living room. I brought down River's box of things for us to look at. Cards. Hospital bracelets. Her hat. A tiny pillow. We sat in the living room and looked through her things. Read the words people wrote to us. And we cried together. We remembered that August 17th three years ago. The day my daughter was born and died. We marveled at how a person who weighed less than pound, a person who only lived such a short time could make such a difference.
I love River because she is mine. I love River because I felt her inside me. Fluttering. Moving. Living. I love her because even though she was weak, she was strong. There is something very powerful about being in the presence of an angel. And that we were. There is something so deeply life changing about being in the presence of someone who was just born. And someone who has just died. You can feel something in the room. Not something tangible. Not something that can even be defined with words. Words aren't big enough. I fell asleep with River in my arms. When her heart was still beating. And when I woke up, I could feel that something had changed. I could feel that she had left us. I could feel it in the room. I love River because she changed me forever. She changed us all forever. She made me stronger than I ever thought possible. She taught me things I never knew before. She still teaches me.
My dad wanted us to pray before they left. He asked that God would give her a hug and a kiss for us. And tell her that we are always thinking about her. He said maybe the reason she left us is because our dog, Skipper, needed a little girl. Or maybe my grandmother needed a granddaughter. My mom prayed and asked that God would throw her just the best little birthday party in heaven. With all the trimmings. Balloons. Cake. Ice cream. Party hats. I have to imagine a birthday party in heaven would be pretty amazing.
I don't know why she had to leave us. I don't know why she had to die. But I do know why she had to live. She had to live so that we could know what it means to truly live and love. So that we would know to make each minute count. So that we would know to never be stingy with hugs or kisses. So that we would know how to really spend our days doing that which matters most. Loving and being loved.
Tonight, I'm thankful for my precious angel. My River Hope. I'm thankful I got to hold her. And touch her. I'm thankful I got to kiss her. And smell her. I'm thankful for all the lives she touched. I'm thankful for my family. The best people on this earth are the ones I get to call family. I'm thankful for this day that was filled up with family, a family dinner, a birthday party, and a time to cry. I'm thankful for the three pink candles in River's memorial case. I'm thankful I have things to touch that she touched. I'm thankful to have the blanket she was wrapped in to feel and hold. I'm thankful that I get to call the most incredible, sweet, gentle, and graceful soul I have ever met, daughter.
Day 592
52 Kind Things
With the weeks getting busier and busier, I am finding it harder and harder to do kind things outside of my own home. I did pick up trash around my neighborhood this week. Just little bits here and there whenever I took Roxy out. Even the littlest bit helps, I think. Maybe even the littlest bit might make a difference. Maybe for some small sparrow somewhere. Or for the many rabbits and squirrels that like to sit in my front yard on cool mornings. I think, even the littlest acts of kindness matter.
52 People I Love
Today was River's third birthday in heaven. I bought her a cake. My grandparents bought her a balloon. A really pretty one. We sang, "Happy Birthday." And then there's this. My mom, dad, brother, and I were sitting in my living room. I brought down River's box of things for us to look at. Cards. Hospital bracelets. Her hat. A tiny pillow. We sat in the living room and looked through her things. Read the words people wrote to us. And we cried together. We remembered that August 17th three years ago. The day my daughter was born and died. We marveled at how a person who weighed less than pound, a person who only lived such a short time could make such a difference.
I love River because she is mine. I love River because I felt her inside me. Fluttering. Moving. Living. I love her because even though she was weak, she was strong. There is something very powerful about being in the presence of an angel. And that we were. There is something so deeply life changing about being in the presence of someone who was just born. And someone who has just died. You can feel something in the room. Not something tangible. Not something that can even be defined with words. Words aren't big enough. I fell asleep with River in my arms. When her heart was still beating. And when I woke up, I could feel that something had changed. I could feel that she had left us. I could feel it in the room. I love River because she changed me forever. She changed us all forever. She made me stronger than I ever thought possible. She taught me things I never knew before. She still teaches me.
My dad wanted us to pray before they left. He asked that God would give her a hug and a kiss for us. And tell her that we are always thinking about her. He said maybe the reason she left us is because our dog, Skipper, needed a little girl. Or maybe my grandmother needed a granddaughter. My mom prayed and asked that God would throw her just the best little birthday party in heaven. With all the trimmings. Balloons. Cake. Ice cream. Party hats. I have to imagine a birthday party in heaven would be pretty amazing.
I don't know why she had to leave us. I don't know why she had to die. But I do know why she had to live. She had to live so that we could know what it means to truly live and love. So that we would know to make each minute count. So that we would know to never be stingy with hugs or kisses. So that we would know how to really spend our days doing that which matters most. Loving and being loved.
Tonight, I'm thankful for my precious angel. My River Hope. I'm thankful I got to hold her. And touch her. I'm thankful I got to kiss her. And smell her. I'm thankful for all the lives she touched. I'm thankful for my family. The best people on this earth are the ones I get to call family. I'm thankful for this day that was filled up with family, a family dinner, a birthday party, and a time to cry. I'm thankful for the three pink candles in River's memorial case. I'm thankful I have things to touch that she touched. I'm thankful to have the blanket she was wrapped in to feel and hold. I'm thankful that I get to call the most incredible, sweet, gentle, and graceful soul I have ever met, daughter.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Remembering River. Celebrating Adelyn.
Project 365 * 2 -- Day 227
Remembering River
Celebrating Adelyn
It was an awesome day. We remembered our River girl in the morning. Sang, "Happy Birthday." Wrote messages to her on a balloon and sent it up to her. And after remembering sweet River, we celebrated Adelyn all day long. I'm sure River doesn't mind sharing her day.
It was an incredible birthday for our sweet miss Addy B. She is blessed to have a family that loves her so much. My favorite part was the affirmations. Adelyn loved it. And when we were done, she told us that she loved everyone. It was a sweet day because of our sweet girl. She has always been, and will always remain my sunshine. My lighthouse. My breath of fresh air. My tall glass of ice cold water. A source of peace, joy, and comfort. And love. Incredible love.
Thankful for River. Thankful for Adelyn. Thankful for daughters who have taught me much about life and love. And who continue to teach me every day.
Remembering River
Celebrating Adelyn
 |
| Can I take a second to brag? These cupcakes are gluten free, dairy free, and dye free. Even the sprinkles and maraschino cherries are dye free. And organic. AND! They tasted awesome! Oh...I'm good! |
It was an awesome day. We remembered our River girl in the morning. Sang, "Happy Birthday." Wrote messages to her on a balloon and sent it up to her. And after remembering sweet River, we celebrated Adelyn all day long. I'm sure River doesn't mind sharing her day.
It was an incredible birthday for our sweet miss Addy B. She is blessed to have a family that loves her so much. My favorite part was the affirmations. Adelyn loved it. And when we were done, she told us that she loved everyone. It was a sweet day because of our sweet girl. She has always been, and will always remain my sunshine. My lighthouse. My breath of fresh air. My tall glass of ice cold water. A source of peace, joy, and comfort. And love. Incredible love.
Thankful for River. Thankful for Adelyn. Thankful for daughters who have taught me much about life and love. And who continue to teach me every day.
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