These are the days that matter.

March 13, 2019
Day 896

     It is on days like these, where my brain is foggy, when I'm so exhausted, when I just don't feel like I can make it another step that I question what exactly it is I do here. Why do I write? No one reads. It's just me and my words and that's all. It's on these days that I tell myself that it's because it's just me that I must continue writing. These words matter.

     Here's what I want to remember about today:
     Here are the things that made it good and lovely:
     Here are the things that melted my heart and made me happy to be alive:

1. Putting Tobin to bed. I like to cuddle with him after we say prayers. Tonight, he put his little hand on my check several times and left it there. Words weren't needed. Just that little hand. He loves me. And that is a great and miraculous something. A little boy named, Tobin, loves me. I am his mama. And he is my son. It's something grand. And I don't deserve it.

He noticed I took off my glasses so we could cuddle better, and he didn't see where I put them. So he asked me, "Mama, did you take off your eyes?" To which I replied, "I did." Then he took them from me and put them on his nightstand so I didn't have to hold them.

Cuddling with Tobin makes my heart feel warm and cozy.

2. Putting Adelyn to bed. She likes to talk and laugh and think about things. She asks lots of questions. She tells me about everything going on in her life. She jokes and smiles. His eyes are blue, her teeth look like little adult teeth, and she's growing up so quickly it makes my head spin. But then, there was this: She wants to go to an American Girl tea party at the library in a few weeks. I said I didn't know if I could take her. I told her maybe her Tante could take her with Sophia. She told me that Sophia didn't have a real American Girl doll. Then she said that maybe she could, "tell the library woman and man that it's not a real American Girl doll, but Sophia is 6 and she just doesn't know."

Thankful for my lighthouse, Adelyn.
Thankful for my fennec fox, Tobin.