Missing you...

     Just writing those words (missing you)...beginning this post...the tears start to fall immediately. It could be that I am just incredibly emotional lately. I start sobbing at the drop of a hat. But, mostly, I think...I'm hurting. I'm missing my little one. Feeling like I failed her.

     This past August 17th was her first birthday in heaven. I had these great plans for celebrating and remembering her. But they just...didn't work. In our family, every birthday is celebrated this way: you get to choose what you want to eat for dinner. You get to choose what kind of cake you want. We eat dinner. We eat cake. While everyone is eating cake, we do affirmations. We each tell the birthday person why we love them. It can't be a joke. It can't be sarcastic. We have to say the words: "I love you because..." We open presents. We sit around and enjoy each others company.

     I wanted to make a nice dinner for River's birthday. It ended up sucking...big time. Everyone told me it was good, but I know better. It was crappy. I wanted to make a cake...but ended up buying these tiny cupcakes...they sucked. I bought balloons to release. One light pink balloon for River. And because Adelyn and Casey love balloons, I bought two extras. A blue one for Casey, and a hot pink one for Addy to release. Their gifts to her. I wanted to write messages on the balloon...we did, but it was rushed. It was about to rain. I wanted to take beautiful pictures of the occasion...but all I got were a few fuzzy pictures with my crappy camera. I didn't even get one family picture of us releasing balloons. Not one of the cupcake with the candle I blew out for her. I saved the candle. It's in her memorial case.

     I feel like I failed her miserably. I wanted so badly to make it a special occasion. I wanted her to peek down from heaven, and think...wow...they really love me. They must miss me. I feel like her birthday was an afterthought. I felt like everyone forgot. I tried so hard, but was unable to pull it together the way I wanted to. I have a two year old. I'm as big as a whale...pregnant with Tobin. My back is constantly killing me. I just...failed.

     I'm angry still. I'm hurting still. I'm angry that I can't hold her. I'm angry that I only had 12 hours with her. I'm angry at people. I'm angry that there are certain people...family members...who literally never said one word to me about her. Not one thing. Not a phone call. Not a card in the mail. Not even a measly sad face under any FB status about her. It wouldn't have helped me feel better about losing her. And, it's not like we are even close...but if these people lost a child...I would definitely contact them in some way, and offer my condolences. Why do people act as if she didn't exist? I held her. She died in my arms.

     I'm angry at family members who said she didn't deserve a memorial service because she never lived. "Why would we go to a memorial service for someone of whom we have no memory?" That is an actual sentence that someone emailed me. The hurt and anger I feel over that whole situation is something that I have still not been able to resolve. I know that carrying around anger only hurts me. But, I'm angry. I'm mad as hell at them. It hurts me deeply that they would say such hurtful things about my beautiful girl. I feel like they aren't even worthy of speaking her name out loud.

     The other day, I was at Giant. And I was reminded of something that happened about a week or so after River passed: I was leaving, and a woman who was working at the Chevy Chase inside the store caught my eye, patted her belly, and said, "Congratulations." And she smiled at me. My stomach was still looking pregnant. I looked at her, and I said, "I'm not pregnant. Actually, I just had a baby, and she died." And I left. I remember her looking just...dumbfounded. In shock. Embarrassed. And it made me happy that she felt sorry for saying that to me.

     I'm not proud about that. I'm not proud that I'm angry at people. I'm not proud that certain people's stupid words and actions can make me cry. And hurt me. I should be so much stronger than that. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a beautiful two-year old. I'm about to have a son in October. I feel ashamed that I'm still angry. I feel ashamed that this post is filled with anger and unforgiveness. I guess the only thing I can say is: I'm human. I know what I need to do. Forgive. Move on. Focus on the beauty and peace that surrounds my life. Be thankful for the hundreds of butterflies I've seen fluttering around me lately. Be thankful for all the people who did love River. But maybe...when it comes to death...does anger ever completely leave? I don't think so. You make peace with death. There are days when you don't feel angry. But, there are days when you do feel angry. I guess I've just had a bunch of angry days. And I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed. But, mostly, I feel ashamed that River's special first birthday in heaven passed me by, and I failed to make it special.


     I'm missing you, River.