A hug, a kiss, and a cuddle.

Project 365 * 2 --Day 3

A hug, a kiss, and a cuddle.

     Adelyn needs three things multiple times throughout each day. A hug, a kiss, and a cuddle. She will run up to me or Matt whenever she is feeling needy, and tell us, "I mead a hug." Arms outstretched. We give her a hug. Then she needs a kiss. And then, a cuddle. When she cuddles, she kind of burrows into your neck, and makes a "cuddle" noise. It goes something like this, "Mmmmmmm," or "Ohhhhhhhhh." Matt is at the firehouse, working 24 hours, and when he called to say goodnight, Adelyn gave him a hug, a kiss, and a cuddle over the phone.

     Our home is overflowing with love. I love it! And I love Adelyn who decided that hugs and kisses just weren't enough.

Family nap time. This was right after I woke up. Family nap times are the most peaceful naps EVER!

Tobin's Laugh

Project 365 * 2 --Day 2

Tobin's Laugh

     I was having a bad day today. Matt and I had been snippy with each other, I had a list of a zillion projects I wanted to get done, and none of them got done. In fact...it was a pretty unproductive day. I hate feeling unproductive. I was feeling very uptight by Tobin's bath time, and as I undressed him, lost in thought about the things I had not accomplished today, he started smiling at me. Big smiles. Huge, gummy smiles. Oh. I love Tobin's smile. It made me feel better, instantly. And then he started laughing. I was smiling back at him, and talking with him, tickling him a bit...and he laughed. It was a sweet and precious moment. Today is the first time I've heard him laugh.

     Unproductive? I made my sweet boy laugh for the first time tonight. That's really all the productivity I need for one day.

Tobin just waking up from a breastmilk induced nap.

Adelyn on her new bike! First time riding it outside, actually.

Resolutions and Projects. Sophia.

Resolutions and Projects

     2013. Wow.

     When I was in school, I never thought of the new year as January 1st. For me, the new year was whenever school started. To me, September was the start of the new year. Not January. Maybe that is why this new year really has seemed to inspire me more than any new year ever really has. Because I'm not in school. I'm a stay at home mama. And sometimes the days and weeks seem to mesh together without any real definition between them. I keep thinking about the phrase, new year. Blank slate. Another year's worth of time on which to write your life. Pretty exciting.

     2012 was good to us. Our sweet son, Tobin Solomon, was born. He is the most amazing, sweet, handsome, smiley, bundle of joy. His smile could melt ice. I say that about Adelyn, too. I have the most beautiful children. I'm so very, very blessed.

     I've been thinking about resolutions for some time now. And I've narrowed them down to these:

1. I want to be more nurturing when someone I love is sick. I am a complete germaphobe. So when someone is sick, I am not the most nurturing, kind, or patient person to be around. And I feel really bad about that. Especially when my family is sick. When my loved ones are sick, instead of being kind and loving, and helping them, I act like they have the black plague. For real. It makes me sad that I act that way. So, this year, if someone is sick, I am going to be kind, and loving, and nurturing. And patient. Especially with snotty noses. I despise snotty noses. But, not this year. This year, bring on the snot. I will wipe it away with loving kindness.

2. Being thankful for the blessings I have in my life saved me in more ways than I can count. I am a better person, wife, mother, sister, daughter, aunt, and friend when I take time every day to write about the good things. The sweet stuff in life. If you aren't looking for it, those moments slip by. And the amazing thing is this: when you are looking for them...there are so many. More than you can count sometimes. I cannot let this year slip by without recording my blessings. So, for the next 365 days, there will be 365 blog posts. 365 blessings. 365 special moments. 365 posts of thankfulness.

3. Along with my 365 posts of thankfulness will be 365 pictures. Well, I guess more like 730 pictures. I want to take at least one picture a day of both Adelyn and Tobin. I will post their pictures along with my post of thankfulness. What better way to complement my posts of thanksgiving than with pictures of my dear babies. And to be honest...there will probably be way more than 730 pictures. Because Casey and Sophia are like my children too...and if I have pictures of them for that day...I will post those as well. 

4. I want to learn how to knit, or crochet, or make a patchwork quilt. Really, I want to learn to quilt. I want to have something I can give my kids, and my niece and nephew. Something made out of special pieces of their childhood. Something that they can curl up under, and feel safe and protected and loved and cared about. In a perfect world, I would learn how to do all three of these, but if I had to choose one...I want to learn to quilt.

5. I want to learn how to play an instrument. Piano or guitar. I don't have to be a concert pianist or Dave Matthews by the end of 2013, but I at least want to be taking active steps every couple of days towards learning how to play.

     Going to be a pretty busy year. So...


Project 365 * 2 - Day 1

     Sophia. I am thankful for sweet Sophia. She is my new niece. And she is the most amazing, beautiful little girl. I am so thankful she came into this world without any complication. And that my amazing doctor, Dr. Bowers, got to deliver her. How sweet that she delivered both Tobin and Sophia! She's amazing! My sister and I love her. And I am so beyond happy that my sister is home with her new baby girl. Tonight, Patty told me about a sweet moment that happened between Casey and Sophia. Casey was meeting Sophia for the first time today. He looked at her, and said, "I like your flowers." She had flowers on her shirt. How sweet is he? He said something similar to Tobin a few weeks ago. Tobin was wearing a shirt with cars on it, and he leaned over, and said, "I like your cars. Cool cars." Love him. Love Sophia. Love my family so much.

Little bundle of Tobin on our walk today.

Climbing big rocks.

Sophia and Adelyn. Best friends and sisters for life. They just don't know it yet. I'm sure they will be just like me and Patty. Watch out world.

Sweet Sophia

Sophia and Tobin.

Check out Tobin's eyes. He's thinking...she's pretty!

Sweet bundle of Sophia.

The best present of all.

The best present of all.

     Went to church this morning. Adelyn loves church. "Fun church," she calls it. She also calls Jesus, "fun Jesus." Hilarious. Really, she loves church because she goes to a classroom where she plays with cool toys, and other kids. After church, she gets to play in a giant indoor playground. Think, Discovery Zone. Inside a church. It's pretty awesome. I mean, what church has a special door on the 2nd level, that opens to a slide, that spits you out in the middle of the indoor playground, on the 1st level? Oh, our church. And if it's nice outside, we play on the giant outdoor playground. Why wouldn't she love church?

     So, today was open mic day. The pastor explained that he wanted people to come up and say what they were most thankful for during the past year. We were running late, we checked Adelyn into class late, and we were just getting settled into our seats when I heard the voice of a little boy on the mic. A very sweet voice. Cracking ever so slightly as he spoke. He said this: "my parents just got divorced, and even though we don't have a lot of money, I'm thankful I could see all my family for Christmas." Ugh. I wanted to run up to that boy, and just--hold him. His words told me three things. "My parents just got divorced," meant, I'm sad. "And even though we don't have a lot of money," meant, I'm worried. "I'm thankful I could see all my family for Christmas," meant, he loves his family.

     Out of everyone that spoke, his words were the loudest. Made the most impact on me. Others spoke of overcoming addiction, financial troubles, divorces, homelessness, losing loved ones. So many hurting people. That's the other thing that struck me. The massive amount of hurt and struggle. But, I thought about that little boy all day. He's been on my mind. Him, his sweet voice, and his words.

     Adelyn refused to nap again today. It's a catch-22 with that girl. If she naps, she naps very late in the day, and then is up until midnight. Reading, singing, asking for pineapple juice. "Need some piney juice!" Piney. She's the cutest. If she doesn't nap, she is way whiney and cries a lot come 6 or 7pm. Anyways, she wasn't napping, and Tobin was, so I went in to read some books with her. That turned into "playing house." She pretends I am the child, and she is the Mama. She reads me a book, gives me a sip of piney juice, covers me with blankets, hands me babies and animals, prays, turns out the light, says goodnight, and leaves. Two seconds later, she opens the door, says, "good morning, did you sleep well," and the game starts over again. We had been playing for a while when Matt joined us. We all played for a bit, then this happened. Matt and I were laying on the floor, our heads propped up on a princess couch, and a giant brown bear, when Adelyn came and snuggled between us. Matt and I wrapped our arms around her, and cuddled her tight. I forget whether it was me or Matt that said, "I love cuddling together!" But, it was Adelyn's reply that just made me want to cry. "It's the best present of all." What two year old says that? Us cuddling together. That's her definition of, "the best present of all." She amazes me.

     Children speak the truth. The words of that sweet little boy were raw and honest. It wasn't that he wanted to get up and just say something into the mic. He had learned something through the pain of his parents divorce. He knew a truth, and he had to speak it. He was thankful.

     Being thankful literally changes the way you see things. I've experienced it. I am ever so thankful for my Adelyn. Who reminds me daily that love and happiness and thankfulness is the stuff of life. Children speak the truth. "It's the best present of all." Why yes. It is.

Santa. God. Faith.

Santa. God. Faith.

     Adelyn, this Christmas season, has learned that there is a magical man named, Santa Claus. She loves Christmas. And it's amazing to watch her love of everything Christmas grow each day. Her favorite Christmas activities include opening her "chocolate calendar," watching Christmas cartoons, singing Christmas carols, and nightly walks to see the Christmas lights. We love walking at night. So peaceful. No traffic sounds. Normally, we are the only ones out. We walk around our whole neighborhood, stopping at each house that has decorated for Christmas. Her favorite house, I think, has two reindeer in their yard. She always points them out. I love her excited face. She's so amazing and sweet. When we talk about Santa, she always says, "Santa gon bring the toys!" And she kind of has this little southern accent going on lately. We have no idea where it comes from, but it's there. We hear it in words like toy, mouse, help. Toys becomes toe-ays. Mouse becomes may-ouse. Help becomes hey-lp. She's hilarious. I keep asking myself, do I talk this way too, and just not realize it?

     We have had such a lovely little Christmas season so far. Every day is an adventure. Every day a new Christmas discovery. Every day a new Christmas revelation. Tobin loves Christmas trees. He stares at them in wonder. He makes the sweetest face when he's looking at them. His lips form an "O." And his eyes are wide with amazement. Adelyn loves to hear about Christmas. She especially loves to hear stories about Santa and his giant bag of toys. It has been a sweet season.

     At the same time, it has been sad, hasn't it? Not for my family in particular, but for so many others. What happened in Newtown is just the worst nightmare any parent can imagine. I've lost a child. I know what it feels like to have held your child, and then to not be able to hold them anymore. I only got to be with my girl for 12 hours or so. Those parents had their children for years. And years. Memories upon memories. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of having your child--that you have had since day one for multiple years--ripped from your arms by such violence.

    I've always believed in God. But it's interesting that losing River made my faith in God stronger. My therapist asked me that one day. With a smile on her face. She said, "your faith in God is bigger than it ever was, isn't it?" And the answer was, yes. It is. Same goes for a friend who lost her baby recently. We have been emailing back and forth. And she mentioned the same thing. How losing her baby made her faith in God even stronger. I cannot explain this. I have no idea why bad things happen. And by that token, why bad things happen, and our faith in God grows.

     I remember watching this show about Santa when I was a kid. It was called something like, "Is Santa really real?" I watched it with my Dad. It was a show meant for kids, of course. But it was done kind of, documentary style. Like one might watch a documentary on Bigfoot. Little snippets of "real" video footage of Santa Claus. Stomping around many a house. Tugging his big red bag of toys. I was too old to believe in Santa anymore. I had long known the secret. But watching that show made me question. My Dad would look over at me, wide-eyed, with every piece of new video evidence that Santa was in fact, real. I remember asking him what he thought. He replied with, "I don't know. Maybe he is real." And I remember thinking, you know what, maybe he is.

     Last Christmas season was when I started this blog. To help me cope with the loss of my daughter. This Christmas, I am celebrating our season with our new baby boy. He was born on the same day that my friend lost her baby. I have no idea the significance of this, but it always strikes me. It has been a good Christmas season for our little family. Full of wonder and excitement and happiness. But, for others, it has and will continue to be, their worst nightmare. A living hell.

     Adelyn believes in Santa. She has faith that he will come on Christmas. That he will bring her toys from his big red bag. I know Santa isn't real. But her faith in the unseen is moving. I believe in God. Maybe some would say that my faith in God is like Adelyn's faith in Santa. Nothing more than fantasy. He is just a legend.  And that I will grow up one day to find that my faith in God was just a trick.

     Some may say that. And, honestly, I would understand them. This world, the things that happen in it, the horror of what happened in Newtown...I can't make sense of it. No one can. But I do know this: good things happen too. Horrible, unspeakable things happen. But, so do amazing things. So do miracles. They happen. I believe that if you look for God, even in the midst of devastation, you will find evidence that he is there, and that he is good. I know this because I have experienced it. Losing River. We suffered a massive loss. Devastation. And in the midst of that...there were miracles. Like the butterfly that landed on my arm. And stayed there for a bit. Opening and closing its magnificent wings. The way it fluttered around about me before it flew away. Seeing butterflies every time I stepped outside for weeks after she passed. The butterfly in her footprint that my sister discovered the day of her memorial service on October 15, 2011. Giving birth to my son exactly one year later on October 15, 2012.

     Having faith in God is much like Adelyn's having faith in Santa. Because you must have faith like a child. It doesn't make sense. It isn't logical. There will be those who say, it's just a trick. There is no Santa. There is no God. How can Santa be real? How can God be real?

     That's faith.

See the butterfly? Left foot, on the right side of her heel? This picture is a bit fuzzy, but it's there.

I've been thinking about this:

(Please note: somewhat of a graphic picture with some blood in it below. Number 5 on my list. If you have no desire to see it...don't read this post!)

I've been thinking about this:


1. This is our life now.

     A few weeks ago, we were all sitting around the table having dinner. Adelyn in her princess chair. Matt using his big toe to rock Tobin, who was sitting in his little rocker. I was starving. And scarfing my food down as quickly as I could so I could go feed Tobin. Who was starving as well. It had been a whole hour since I last nursed him. :) I had struggled to get dinner on the table that night, and we were eating late. Addy was especially fussy and whiny. Matt had worked all day. The house was a mess. And suddenly, for reasons I don't understand, Adelyn started throwing a tantrum. Screaming. Crying. Of course, when one is crying, the other one usually joins in as well. United front, you know? So there we were. Matt and I scarfing our food down as fast as we could with two screaming babies. Matt looked at me in the midst of all this, and exclaimed, "this is our life now." And he smiled a big, sweet smile. And we sat there. Smiling. At our life now. Seriously, we love it.

2. No one makes pie like my Dad does.

     For Thanksgiving, my parents and Shane came over. It wasn't the most fun Thanksgiving. Adelyn and I had a nasty stomach bug. Thankfully, I was well enough to eat some dinner, and some pie. I am forever amazed at my Dad's cooking abilities. He made pumpkin pie and pecan pie. Both of which...were amazing. He makes the best pies. And he doesn't use a recipe. No measuring cups. No measuring spoons. Nothing. Who does this? Who sets out to make a pie...and just makes it. No recipe. No measurements. Just says, okay, pecan pie. I'll add some of this. Some of that. And presto...the best pecan pie you've ever tasted. And if that isn't enough of a wonder for you, how about this? He makes his own pie crust from scratch as well. No recipe. No measurements. Just makes a pie crust out of thin air. And they are the best damn pies you've ever tasted.
     This amazes me. 

3. Click

     I never know what will set me off. This time it was a simple cautionary statement from Adelyn and Tobin's pediatrician. "Be careful with him...it's cold and flu season. Don't take him around large crowds of people. And if he gets a fever...call us. It is very dangerous for a newborn to get a fever within the first two months of life." That did it. My mind automatically adjusted from complete and utter joy and elation to fear mode. I kept thinking...I just have to make it to the two month mark. He'll be safe then. Two months. Two months. I said it over and over to myself in my mind. Two months. Tobin is six weeks now. And in those six weeks, Matt has had a terrible fever/flu illness that lasted a week. Adelyn has had a runny nose/cold. Adelyn got a stomach bug. I got a stomach bug. And with each illness that faced our family...fears grew. The two month mark became even more important to me.
     It's funny how easily fear slips in. Disguised as caution. Or even good common sense. Wash your hands becomes wash them until they bleed and crack. And also, change your clothes 10 times a day. They have germs on them. And also, wear something over your face to prevent germs from getting on Tobin. And also...don't go anywhere in public. Germs are lurking.
     I clicked through the first six weeks of my baby's life because of fear. I'm not saying I haven't enjoyed every waking moment since Tobin has arrived. I have. But fear has also been there. Present. Every step of the way. Hindering me from fully enjoying what I can only describe as the "perfect" life.
     It's a daily battle. Sometimes I lose. But, I stand up again. And I keep on fighting.

4.Thanksgiving

     "I have so much to be thankful for," is an understatement. I cannot put into words how truly blessed our little family is. Life with Tobin around is so sweet. Adelyn is just the greatest big sister. And Tobin loves her so much. He smiles when he sees her. Or me. Or Matt. It's a very, very, sweet smile. He has also started to coo. He has the sweetest little voice. We love him so much. Adelyn loves to take care of him. She helps me with everything. She loves to help change his diapers by handing me the wipes and the diaper. She helps me put his lotion on after his bath. She hands me his clothes. She gives him his "cici" when he's crying. She's in love with him. As we all are.
     There should be more days dedicated to thankfulness throughout the year. Giving thanks for the many blessings I have, counting the good things, noticing what you normally take for granted in life--literally, saved me. Saved me from losing it during my pregnancy with Tobin. Anxiety, fear, and doubt can seem so strong. Stronger than anything you've ever experienced. But, thanksgiving? Literally looking at your life through the lens of thanksgiving will change you forever.
   

5. The most amazing picture I've ever seen.

     I've contemplated whether or not to share this picture. But, this picture is way, way too amazing not to. This is a picture of my sweet Tobin, still attached by the cord, right after my doctor delivered him. I stare at this picture in amazement sometimes. In awe of the sweet life that took 9 months in the making. The longest, and scariest 9 months of my life. And then, just like that...there he was. He came out crying. And, of course, I had to cry right along with him. I am just so beyond thankful for him.



     

A first.

A first.

     Tonight was my first night alone with two kids. I made it. Wasn't perfect. I used gummy bears to bribe Adelyn to do a few things. Things like walk up the stairs. Sit down at the table for dinner. Stuff like that. But, hey...they were organic gummy bears. From Trader Joe's. So...not so bad, right? Tobin started screaming the minute I got Adelyn in the tub. We had to listen to him cry while I bathed her. I had to nurse Tobin and read to Adelyn at the same time. While sitting on a toddler bed about a foot off the floor. I've got mad skills. ;) I gave Tobin his first bath tonight. A truly traumatic experience for him. He hated it. And screamed the whole time. But, oh man...he is so sweet to cuddle. So, incredibly sweet. We cuddled for a long time after that big, bad bath.

     It wasn't perfect, but it was perfect. It was a bit stressful at times, but watching Adelyn kiss, "little baby Tobin," goodnight... I waited so long to experience those moments. To hold my son. To have him safe in my arms. To watch Adelyn love him. To be four. First night with two babies? Loved every second.