Day 680
"We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love..."
When we lost River, I doubted. The day before she was born and died, I laid on the couch in our living room. I stared out the window and cried. I kept my hands on my belly. I felt River move inside me as I doubted. And questioned. And begged for a miracle. I have never felt so alone. So scared. So helpless. Or more devastated. I doubted that day. And for many days afterwards. For many months afterwards. It was a dark time.
"What if your blessings come through raindrops? What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?"
Losing River was the most devastating event of my life. But giving birth to her, holding her, knowing her, smelling her, and loving her has been the most extraordinary event of my life. Her life, her death...the biggest rain storm I've ever known, has turned out to be one of my life's greatest blessings. I never would have known life as I know it now had it not been for River. I never would have known that being thankful everyday is the greatest therapy known to man. I never would have known that life can be lived without fear. I never would have known how important time is. I never would have known that blessings can come through raindrops.
As I was driving to work this morning, flipping through the radio stations, watching the rain fall, I heard a song that I heard years ago. A few weeks after I lost River. I don't think it's a coincidence. I think it's a reminder. I don't think it's a coincidence that I'm having this rush of memories so close to Christmas. River was supposed to be my Christmas baby. She was due on December 24th. I still think of her as my Christmas baby. She was one of the greatest gifts that I've ever received. How could I be anything but grateful for the time I had with her? How could I be anything but thankful that she was mine.
Thankful for my Christmas baby; the biggest and greatest gift I've ever received in such a tiny package. Thankful for blessings through raindrops. For mercies in disguise. Thankful for this special season filled with wonder and excitement. Thankful for the thrill of hope. A time for a weary world to rejoice. Thankful for the rain this morning. Thankful for this: "It came without presents. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags. Maybe Christmas, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more." Yes. It means more. Christmas is about a great gift. A gift of love. And hope. And peace. And just like the first Christmas gift, my Christmas baby was a gift of love and hope and peace. And for that, I am forever thankful and grateful and blessed.
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