River

Project 365 * 4
Day 592

52 Kind Things

     With the weeks getting busier and busier, I am finding it harder and harder to do kind things outside of my own home. I did pick up trash around my neighborhood this week. Just little bits here and there whenever I took Roxy out. Even the littlest bit helps, I think. Maybe even the littlest bit might make a difference. Maybe for some small sparrow somewhere. Or for the many rabbits and squirrels that like to sit in my front yard on cool mornings. I think, even the littlest acts of kindness matter.

52 People I Love

     Today was River's third birthday in heaven. I bought her a cake. My grandparents bought her a balloon. A really pretty one. We sang, "Happy Birthday." And then there's this. My mom, dad, brother, and I were sitting in my living room. I brought down River's box of things for us to look at. Cards. Hospital bracelets. Her hat. A tiny pillow. We sat in the living room and looked through her things. Read the words people wrote to us. And we cried together. We remembered that August 17th three years ago. The day my daughter was born and died. We marveled at how a person who weighed less than pound, a person who only lived such a short time could make such a difference.

     I love River because she is mine. I love River because I felt her inside me. Fluttering. Moving. Living. I love her because even though she was weak, she was strong. There is something very powerful about being in the presence of an angel. And that we were. There is something so deeply life changing about being in the presence of someone who was just born. And someone who has just died. You can feel something in the room. Not something tangible. Not something that can even be defined with words. Words aren't big enough. I fell asleep with River in my arms. When her heart was still beating. And when I woke up, I could feel that something had changed. I could feel that she had left us. I could feel it in the room. I love River because she changed me forever. She changed us all forever. She made me stronger than I ever thought possible. She taught me things I never knew before. She still teaches me.

     My dad wanted us to pray before they left. He asked that God would give her a hug and a kiss for us. And tell her that we are always thinking about her. He said maybe the reason she left us is because our dog, Skipper, needed a little girl. Or maybe my grandmother needed a granddaughter. My mom prayed and asked that God would throw her just the best little birthday party in heaven. With all the trimmings. Balloons. Cake. Ice cream. Party hats. I have to imagine a birthday party in heaven would be pretty amazing.

     I don't know why she had to leave us. I don't know why she had to die. But I do know why she had to live. She had to live so that we could know what it means to truly live and love. So that we would know to make each minute count. So that we would know to never be stingy with hugs or kisses. So that we would know how to really spend our days doing that which matters most. Loving and being loved.

     Tonight, I'm thankful for my precious angel. My River Hope. I'm thankful I got to hold her. And touch her. I'm thankful I got to kiss her. And smell her. I'm thankful for all the lives she touched. I'm thankful for my family. The best people on this earth are the ones I get to call family. I'm thankful for this day that was filled up with family, a family dinner, a birthday party, and a time to cry. I'm thankful for the three pink candles in River's memorial case. I'm thankful I have things to touch that she touched. I'm thankful to have the blanket she was wrapped in to feel and hold. I'm thankful that I get to call the most incredible, sweet, gentle, and graceful soul I have ever met, daughter.