Call me Ishmael.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 247

“Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off - then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can.” --Herman Melville. 

     Been feeling a bit like Ishmael lately. Been feeling the need to explore the watery places in this world. Been feeling the need to escape to the sea. Everything in me is screaming, "run back to the ocean." I want desperately to escape schedules and reality, and just sit in peace on the beach with the ones I love best. And yet, at the same time, thoughts and images of me floating alone in the wide open black sea nag me constantly. I'm floating there alone. Not knowing what will happen. Questioning. Fearing. Worrying. Not trusting. Anger washing like a flood over me. 

     For as long as I can remember, I've imagined myself floating on my back in the ocean during times of trouble, sorrow, uncertainty, anger... It dawned on me tonight that my lighthouse, the thing that has most certainly saved me countless times from slipping under the black water, has been my family. I imagine myself almost losing hope. And then, I see them. I spot them. I swim with everything in me to get to them. And finally, as the waves toss me up onto the shore, the clouds part, the sea calms, the sun comes out, and I am sitting on the beach. Surrounded by all the great loves of my life.

     I'm thankful that tonight, as anger and uncertainty threatened to take me down into the great black depths, I found my lighthouses. I'm thankful for peace. I'm thankful for calm. I'm thankful I can push away anger. I'm thankful for all the great loves in my life. I'm unbelievably blessed. 

     

Life at its best.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 246

     I'm in love with this video: http://www.buzzfeed.com/ryanhatesthis/a-man-filmed-one-second-every-day-of-his-wifes-pregnancy-and.

     This video is life at its best. I've always thought it was the little moments. The ones that we might not think all too important that make us who we are. It's the laughter. The mealtimes. The tears. The fighting. The making up. The ordinary moments that when looked back upon are anything but ordinary. Life is happening everyday. In every car ride. In every diaper change. In every trip to the grocery store. In every tear cried over something silly. In every tear cried over something worth crying for. In every early morning. In every gorgeous sunset. In the snow. In the sun. At the beach. At home. In every kiss. In every smile.

     It's funny how when someone takes life and puts it to music, we see the beauty in the seemingly mundane. One must not take life for granted. One must not mistake life for ordinary. Or mundane. It is anything but. It is amazing. And beautiful. It's funny how when one looks at life in such a grand and unique way, it brings tears of joy. Yet, the lot of us go through every day of this grand and unique thing called life feeling quite uninspired. This should not be. This cannot be. One must see life as extraordinary. Because, simply put, it is extraordinary.

     Thankful for this video. It reminded me that there is no such thing as same old, same old. There is no such thing as just an ordinary day. There is no such thing as, "nothing happened," or "not much." There is always something beautiful and amazing happening. One must only open their eyes to see that.

Even though...

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 245

     There are some days in the life of a mother, when you put your kids down for bed, leave the room, and think to yourself, "I could have done better today. WAY better." And well, actually, there can be many days like that. Not just some. Many. And even though this was one of those days for me, even though I left my children's rooms tonight feeling less than worthy of being a mother to two of the most amazing beings I've ever known, even though I kind of want to just sit and cry right now, even though all that...I'm still thankful for this day. I'm thankful for the good moments along with the bad.

     I'm thankful for Tobin's kisses. He's learned to kiss now, and he goes back and forth between me and Adelyn. Kissing us. And Addy and I smile at each other, and we say, "awww, isn't he sweet and cute?" I'm thankful for the crazy, insane mess that Tobin makes each meal time. Because it gives me the chance to strip him down after every meal, and watch him crawl around in his diaper, and blow raspberries on his bare tummy. I'm thankful that I got to watch Adelyn meet her new teachers this morning. I'm thankful that she's so excited for school. I'm thankful for September weather. I'm thankful for the beautiful sunset tonight.

     And even though there were bad moments today, moments that will not be fondly remembered, I'm still thankful for them. I'm thankful for bad moments because they provide perspective. If we all just lived life in this magical land where nothing bad ever happened, and no bad moments ever occurred, and everything was all sunshine and smiles all the time, we wouldn't appreciate the times where everything was actually all sunshine and smiles.

     I'm thankful for--even though. I'm thankful for good moments. And bad ones. I'm thankful that the bad moments help us grow. They pave the way to brighter days. Filled with happinesses beyond sunshine and smiles.

I love the way blue eyes sparkle in the sunlight.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 244

     Particularly, my children's blue eyes. I love the way they sparkle when the sunlight hits them just right. I love that there are countless slivers of blue. Too many to count. I love the way that no picture can accurately capture just how beautiful they are. I love that because it means I've studied them. Stared directly into them. And no camera can record in one snapshot what I've been recording in my mind everyday since the day they were born.

     Thankful for blue eyes. Thankful for sunlight. Thankful that I am the one who gets to see how beautiful my children's eyes really are.

Flower Girl. & Temper Tantrum Tobin.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 243

     This morning, on our way to the playground, Adelyn bent down, picked a flower, then promptly asked me to put it in her hair. I took her clip out, and re-clipped her hair with the flower. She was so proud. She would gently touch it every now and then, and say, "I look beautiful." She did. I think this whole thing struck me because you don't have to teach a girl to put flowers in their hair. They just do it.

     Tobin has started something new and fun. Temper tantrums. Before his first birthday, too. I knew it was coming. The past couple of days, he's been showing his frustration with things more and more. Waving his arms around if I tell him he can't touch something. Attempting to hit me when I take something he can't have. Screaming at the top of his lungs if something doesn't go his way. And tonight was the straw that broke the camel's back. I took his bath sponge away because he was chewing on it, and ripping it, and he threw a big old tantrum. Complete with screaming. Crying. Kicking. Trying to hit me. Throwing his head and body backwards. I mean...full on tantrum. From my 11 month old. :)

     Thankful for my beautiful girl. Thankful for flowers in hair. Thankful for trips to the playground. Thankful for Tobin. And his temper tantrums. I know I won't be saying this in a few months, but right now, they are downright hilarious. I mean, I feel bad saying this, but it is really funny to watch a baby get mad because you took a sponge away from them.

One last swim...

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 242

   

     Thankful for these sweet faces. They make everyday beautiful and special and wonderful and fun. I'm so thankful to spend my days with beings that are so full of life and love. I'm thankful for kisses in the pool. I'm thankful for wet pool hair. And skin wrinkled by too much time in the water. I'm thankful for the way in feels to cuddle my little ones in a dry towel after a swim. The sun beaming down on us. I'm thankful for blue eyes that sparkle in the sun. I'm thankful for brown eyes that look like marbles. I'm thankful for smiles of pure joy just because we're splashing around in some water.

     Honestly, I'm just thankful. So much so that thankful seems too small of a word. I need a bigger one. Like, supercalafragilisticexpialidociousthankful. 

I've always loved the first day of September.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 241

      So much promise. So much to look forward to. Maybe it's just leftover memories of going back to school. A new school year. A fresh start. New classes. Fresh notebooks. And new pens. I love me a fresh notebook, and a new pen. LOVE. (Patty can attest to this...I can spend at least an hour looking through pens in pen aisles.) I love that September means that Fall is coming. It's my favorite. I love it like a kid loves Christmas. I just love Fall. I can't wait to get out in the cool air and crunch some leaves under my feet.

     This is my last week at home with both my babies. Next week, Adelyn starts school. I know I'm going to cry. I'm going to be one of those moms who lingers a little too long in the doorway. Snapping one too many pictures. One of those moms that the teacher basically has to shoo away. Oh well. I can't help it. I'm going to miss her so much. That said, I really will enjoy getting to spend some time alone with my boy a couple days a week. I can read to him uninterrupted. I can play with him uninterrupted. I'm excited. Being with Tobin uninterrupted will be a luxury. One that I haven't had since he was born last October.

     Thankful for the first day of September. Thankful for fresh pens and notebooks. Thankful for Fall. Thankful that Adelyn will soon embark on an exciting adventure. Preschool. And even though it will probably make me very sad to walk away and leave her there all day, I will be very happy to come home and play with my boy. Just me and him. We're in for some sweet times together.