Rain on the roof and on the windows.

Project 365 * 4
Day 598

     Thankful for a rainy Saturday. I absolutely love waking up hearing rain on the roof and on the windows. Thankful that I get to go to bed now. I'm exhausted. The only thing that would make this bedtime better is rain on the roof and on the the windows. Sleep that happens during rain is the most peaceful sleep of all.

"God says no one is allowed to touch Addy's special things."

Project 365 * 4
Day 597

     Today was certainly an adventure. I worked at half-day at my new school. It was fun, and I got to meet two new students. They seemed super sweet. I think I'm going to have a great year. I brought Adelyn and Casey along so they could meet some of their new teachers as well. I worked with the elementary kids, so I have no idea what went on with Addy, Casey, and the rest of the preschool kids. When I asked Addy if she ate the apple I packed for her fruit break, she replied with this interesting statement, "well...yes...but I didn't eat it all. I threw it away, because the teacher gave us snot to play with. And I didn't want snot to get on my apple." "Really, Addy? Snot? I don't think so." "Yes, snot. I don't like snot. So, I threw my apple away. Snot is dirty for my apple." So there's that fun tidbit. I'm really hoping there was something lost in translation there.

     While Tobin and Addy were playing after dinner, Tobin picked up one of Addy's toys, and Addy replied how she usually replies. She stomped her feet up and down furiously, and started to wail. "NOOOOOOOOO, that's mine!" She's not yet learned the art of sharing. I told her the usual things: we need to share, Tobin always shares with you, please be kind... She replied with perhaps the best statement I've heard her utter yet. "God says no one is allowed to touch Addy's special things." It's the 11th commandment we never knew existed until today.

     Then there was this fun little adventure. I was cleaning up the kitchen from dinner when Addy said, "Tobin's skin smells like poop." Matt replied with, "he probably has a poopy diaper." And then not one minute later, I heard, "Christen!!!" I ran into the living room to see Matt holding Tobin's wrists up in the air. His hands covered in poop. Needless to say, the kids had an early bath time.

     After bath time, I was putting lotion on Addy when I heard Matt exclaim, "Tobin!" Apparently, he had peed on the floor of his bedroom in the one minute since he left the bathroom. And, bonus, he was rubbing his pacifiers in it.

    Thankful for my little sassafras girl. Thankful for my little naughty boy. They really do make everyday an adventure. Even if those adventures include snot, made up commandments from God, poop, and pee...

Movie and Popcorn Night.

Project 365 * 4
Day 596

   

     Thankful for a quiet evening at home with all my loves. Thankful for nights that call for a movie and popcorn. Thankful for time spent well with those I love. 

Adelyn's Birthday at the Lake.

Project 365 * 4
Day 595

     Had the best day today! We went to my grandparent's house and spent the day celebrating Adelyn's birthday and swimming in the lake. It was awesome! Seriously, I couldn't think of a better way to have spent my sweet girl's birthday. With family. Having fun. The highlight of our day was this: there was a rope to block swimmers from going too far out into the lake from the beach. And Adelyn, Patty, Casey, and I swam to it and touched it. It was scary. It was farther out than we thought. And when the water turned all cold and icy as we swam out into the "deep," (that's what Addy and Casey called it), we pressed on. We didn't turn back. Even though everything in me was saying, "don't do it...you have no idea what's in that black water," we swam anyways.

     That pretty much sums up the entirety of my motherhood since Adelyn was born. There have been times when I was so afraid. Times when I didn't know what to do. There was the time when I thought my daughter was dead. Just after she was born and before I went into surgery. When we didn't hear her cry at first...when no one said to us, "it's a girl," with jubilation in their voice...when she had to be revived two or three times in the delivery room...those were black water times. Times when I didn't know what was ahead of me. Underneath me. I didn't know what would happen. But you know...we swam anyways. We swam into the black water.

     I am so thankful for my sweet Adelyn Bailey. My daughter. My lighthouse on stormy days. My sunshine. My reason for living. I'm so thankful for her. I'm thankful for her courage today to swim into the deep black water. Since the day she was born, she's had courage. Since the day she was born, she, and she alone is my reason for swimming out into the black water. I couldn't be more happy, more blessed, or more proud to call her mine. Thankful for an awesome day with my favorite people. Thankful to have spent my second to last day before going back to work having fun with my family at the lake.

Summer days...are drifting away...

Project 365 * 4
Day 594

Casey is pretending to be a fireman rescue bot here. 

Princess Adelyn. Giving a very polite curtsy. 

Another fireman rescue bot pose. 

     Thankful for a fun summer day with my favorite people. Thankful for red cheeks. Sweaty foreheads. And days when it's okay to run around in a diaper.

I'd say breakfast at 10:30 is pretty lazy...

Project 365 * 4
Day 593

     But I don't care. My first official full day back to work is Monday. And I have a little half-day on Friday. Time is ticking. There aren't many mornings left for us to laze about in bed until 10:30. And the rest of the day was pretty much like our lazy morning. We did things. Just lazily. We colored. We read. We built castles with blocks. We danced. We played with trucks and cars. But the thing we did most today was just lay around together. Cuddled under blankets. I made a big pot of popcorn on the stove. We watched movies. I had a lot of time to just sit and hold my kids. Stare at their blond hair. Watch their little fingers picking up pieces of popcorn to eat. We were lazy. But we have a damn good excuse to be. As of tomorrow, I only have three days left as a stay at home mom. Part of me is excited to start working, but the other part is just aching. Because honestly, being a stay at home mom was the best thing I've ever done with my life.

     Thankful for three days left at home with my babies.

River

Project 365 * 4
Day 592

52 Kind Things

     With the weeks getting busier and busier, I am finding it harder and harder to do kind things outside of my own home. I did pick up trash around my neighborhood this week. Just little bits here and there whenever I took Roxy out. Even the littlest bit helps, I think. Maybe even the littlest bit might make a difference. Maybe for some small sparrow somewhere. Or for the many rabbits and squirrels that like to sit in my front yard on cool mornings. I think, even the littlest acts of kindness matter.

52 People I Love

     Today was River's third birthday in heaven. I bought her a cake. My grandparents bought her a balloon. A really pretty one. We sang, "Happy Birthday." And then there's this. My mom, dad, brother, and I were sitting in my living room. I brought down River's box of things for us to look at. Cards. Hospital bracelets. Her hat. A tiny pillow. We sat in the living room and looked through her things. Read the words people wrote to us. And we cried together. We remembered that August 17th three years ago. The day my daughter was born and died. We marveled at how a person who weighed less than pound, a person who only lived such a short time could make such a difference.

     I love River because she is mine. I love River because I felt her inside me. Fluttering. Moving. Living. I love her because even though she was weak, she was strong. There is something very powerful about being in the presence of an angel. And that we were. There is something so deeply life changing about being in the presence of someone who was just born. And someone who has just died. You can feel something in the room. Not something tangible. Not something that can even be defined with words. Words aren't big enough. I fell asleep with River in my arms. When her heart was still beating. And when I woke up, I could feel that something had changed. I could feel that she had left us. I could feel it in the room. I love River because she changed me forever. She changed us all forever. She made me stronger than I ever thought possible. She taught me things I never knew before. She still teaches me.

     My dad wanted us to pray before they left. He asked that God would give her a hug and a kiss for us. And tell her that we are always thinking about her. He said maybe the reason she left us is because our dog, Skipper, needed a little girl. Or maybe my grandmother needed a granddaughter. My mom prayed and asked that God would throw her just the best little birthday party in heaven. With all the trimmings. Balloons. Cake. Ice cream. Party hats. I have to imagine a birthday party in heaven would be pretty amazing.

     I don't know why she had to leave us. I don't know why she had to die. But I do know why she had to live. She had to live so that we could know what it means to truly live and love. So that we would know to make each minute count. So that we would know to never be stingy with hugs or kisses. So that we would know how to really spend our days doing that which matters most. Loving and being loved.

     Tonight, I'm thankful for my precious angel. My River Hope. I'm thankful I got to hold her. And touch her. I'm thankful I got to kiss her. And smell her. I'm thankful for all the lives she touched. I'm thankful for my family. The best people on this earth are the ones I get to call family. I'm thankful for this day that was filled up with family, a family dinner, a birthday party, and a time to cry. I'm thankful for the three pink candles in River's memorial case. I'm thankful I have things to touch that she touched. I'm thankful to have the blanket she was wrapped in to feel and hold. I'm thankful that I get to call the most incredible, sweet, gentle, and graceful soul I have ever met, daughter.