There's a thing called grace.

March 23, 2021

Day 1,599

     When I was young, I thought very highly of myself. I thought I knew best. I thought I was the best daughter, sister, cousin, friend. I'm very ashamed to say that I even thought I was the best wife for a long while. I honestly thought that people were lucky to have me in their lives. 

     I was a very stupid young person. 

     Then I became a mother to two of the most pure and wonderful souls that have ever walked on this earth. It was when I became a mother to Adelyn and Tobin that I realized that I had it backwards my whole young life. I'm sad that I didn't realize this truth sooner; people aren't lucky to have me. I am lucky to have them. 

     I am completely and totally blessed from head to toe to be able to wake up in bed next the love of my life each morning. I don't deserve Matt. He loves me with a love so powerful that it overwhelms me sometimes. I get to go to my children's rooms and wake up two of the most precious souls I've ever known. I get to hug them whenever I want. I get to kiss them and play with them and talk with them. They are mine. I get to go to work at the job I always wanted. I get to drive a beautiful vehicle. I get to come home every day to my dream home in the woods where all my favorite people live with me. I get to cuddle and play with the sweetest dog. I don't deserve these things. But there's a thing called grace. Grace is getting what you don't deserve. 

     This morning, we were running late for school again. It's my fault. I lay in bed too long. I've been stressed about some big projects that are due soon, and when my mind is full of things I have to do, my body just wants to lay and be still. My sweet children had to deal with me being short, snappy, and straight up mean because we were running late because I was laying in bed too long. It's literally...all my fault. Even so, my children forgive me and love me and pray for me. When we got to school today, I ran in with seconds to spare before being really late, and while I was in our morning teacher's meeting, my sweet children carried all of my things into my classroom from our car. Even my coffee. This afternoon, when I had to leave school because Tobin threw up, he apologized to me that I had to leave school because of him being sick. I explained to him that he didn't need to apologize for being sick. I feel bad that that was his first thought. On the way home, Adelyn had a legit panic attack. She is scared of vomit just as I was scared of vomit until just a few short years ago. Instead of helping her, I made her feel bad. I was annoyed with her. I told her she just needed to, "CALM DOWN!" No one I know has ever been helped by the words: calm down. She became so worked up that she threw up herself. Instead of comforting her, I was again annoyed by her. I told her she was overreacting. 

     I am a monster. When my daughter needed me, I was not there for her.   

    Fast forward to like 10 minutes later, I had to pee more than I have ever had to pee in my entire life. I was literally crying trying to hold it in. I was making all kinds of noise and screaming, "UGH! I have to go so bad! I'm not gonna make it!" And so on. I had just told Adelyn she was overreacting for having a panic attack that she could not control. Then I had a pee attack that I could not control. I was calculating my options: 

1. Just go.

2. Pull over. Just pee in my pants on the side of the road. I could sit on my sweater and then throw all my pee clothes into the washer as soon as we get home. 

3. Pull over at the next farm and ask someone to use their bathroom. (A real thought that crossed my mind.)

4. Go at the next gas station which was 10 minutes away. 

     When these are your options and you literally have so much pee inside that you feel your bladder might explore before you use the restroom...it wasn't my best moment. I'll just say that. 

     What did my children do? They tried to help me. They prayed for me. They tried to encourage me. Again, I'm a monster. I do not deserve their love. 

     But there's grace. And thankfully, my children give me grace just as God gives me grace. I aspire to be like Adelyn and Tobin. And Matt. Three people who treat me like gold even though I fall short again and again and again and again and again. 

     We came home and watched Everybody Loves Raymond and ate soup and bagels and pops. We had a very quiet afternoon and evening. It was lovely; our unexpected half day off together.

     Thankful for Matt, Adelyn, and Tobin. They are the very definition of the words: love, gift, grace, beauty, and kindness all at the same time. I have said it many times before and I'm 100% certain I will say it many times after this as well: I. do. not. deserve. them. I'm thankful for God's blessings. I. do. not. deserve. them. Thankful for a weird, but good day. Thankful for this space to write about it. Thankful that I don't need scores of people to read these words. But they're here, and one day, the right person will read them at just the right time.