43. Choosing...

Day 43: Choosing...

     Tomorrow is a big day for me, and my family. There will be more big days. But right now, tomorrow seems like the biggest day ever. A huge hurdle I have to clear. I am proud of myself because in the past, the thought of tomorrow would make today almost non-existent. I would have been concentrating so much on the hurdle of tomorrow that I would miss the sweetness and joys of today.

     Today was a hard day. I'm nervous. And Adelyn was a needy baby today. She was actually, in fact, a wee bit naughty. But even in her naughtiness...she still overwhelms me with joy. And peace. Just holding her, and smelling her hair is like drinking 20 cups of Calm Tea.

     I had a choice today. I had to choose to either have faith or to give in to fear and doubt. Either choice is a hard path to follow. Choosing to let fear and doubt rule my life causes me immense discomfort. It causes me to miss precious minutes and hours I can never get back. Choosing to have faith is equally as hard, but in a different way. For me, faith is like this: I am alone in a black ocean. I have no idea what will happen. I have no idea what is beneath me. What lies ahead of me. What lurks in the dark, murky waters. I am floating on my back with my arms wide open. And there is nothing for me to do, but just float there. Just wait there. And trust.

     As I float on my back in the water tonight, I am saying over and over again...I believe. I trust you. I have faith. It's all I can do. I'm thankful to be in the water. Floating in the water has made me the woman I am today. Floating in the darkness for months has allowed me to finally see a ray of light.