Bleeding.

October 3, 2016

Day 23

     I have been thinking on two quotes the past few days: 

     I made up my mind when I was out grocery shopping that when I sat down to write tonight that I would just sit there and bleed. And I made up my mind to bleed by writing true sentences. So here they are:  

     I stopped writing daily about what I was thankful for to write my book. Writing and publishing a book has been a dream of mine since I was a young girl. It is still my dream. But I stopped writing daily to write my book, and that is where I went wrong. Here is one of my truest of all true sentences: writing daily about what I was thankful for changed my life forever.

     When I stopped writing daily about what I was thankful for to write my book, anxiety, fear, doubt, anger, and a myriad of other deplorable monsters began to resurface. Slowly at first. But by the time I decided to start blogging again, 23 days ago, I was having full-fledged panic attacks. 

     Here's what I've decided: if I never write and publish a book, that's okay. I had to ask myself: why do I write? The answer to that question is: I write for me. I write because I love to write. I write because I have to write. I write because, for me, there is one of two options: 

1. Write. 

2. Be sick. 

     I have decided to write for 1,000 days. I have decided that for these days, I will bathe myself in all things good and lovely and beautiful and admirable. I will think on the things that I am thankful for. I'm only on day 23, but I can already feel the cool breeze of relief from the hot breath of fear constantly breathing down my neck. 

     Thankful for this blog. It is the written proof of my journey. Thankful for words from great writers. What would the world do without beautiful words to live by? Thankful for truth. Thankful for thankfulness. It's powerful. I feel strong, and sane, and happy, and productive, and peaceful when I'm thankful. It sure beats my alternative.