Day 545
I was watching the movie, As Good As It Gets, today. A movie about an obsessive-compulsive man who is terrified of the world he lives in. Terrified of germs. Cracks in the sidewalk. The usual things people with obsessive-compulsive disorder are terrified of. And it brought me back. Back to a time when I couldn't touch the handles of any public door. A time when I couldn't go out to eat because there might be germs. Or cracks in the seat at the restaurant. A time when the simple act of walking to my car in the dark made me question my sanity. Were those really footsteps I heard behind me? Did I really just see someone looking at me from behind a bush? It brought me back to a time when I was terrified of the world I was living in.
In the movie, the man has a moment. A moment when he realizes that there is more to life than making sure to lock the door a million times. There is more to life than washing one's hands until they are raw and cracked and bleeding. He says to the woman he loves, "You make me want to be a better man." I don't know when that moment came for me. It wasn't all at once. It was gradual. Over time.
Like the time after Adelyn was born. And there was a tornado warning. I made the entire family go down to the basement. I sat on the floor, holding my baby. I was shaking. Trembling. Panicking. Images of our house being torn to shreds flashing through my mind. Blood. Destruction. Chaos. And then I looked at Adelyn. And I knew I had to be a better woman. Like the time when Tobin threw up all day long. I wanted to scream and run for the hills. But, as I held my feverish boy, I knew I had to be a better woman. Like our trip to the beach. There are sharks in the ocean. Literal monsters that can tear a person to pieces in one bite, but as I looked at my children playing happily and unaware of any danger lurking, I knew I had to be a better woman.
I didn't know that life could be lived this way. I didn't know that life could be good. And happy. And beautiful. And amazing. I didn't know that there could be days filled with nothing but love. I didn't know that it wasn't necessary to worry about everything every second of the day. I didn't know that my brain could think so clearly. I didn't know there was more to life than obsessions and compulsions.
And then came Adelyn. And then came River. And then came Tobin. And I knew I had to be a better. Thankful for my children. The ones who taught me how to really live. The ones who taught me that love and light is bigger and brighter than even the darkest of days. The ones who made me want to be a better woman.
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