I'm not who I used to be.

Project 365 * 4
Day 660

     I had a conversation with my cousin the other night. Ebola came up. My cousin expressed to me that she was having a hard time dealing with the constant bombardment of information, news reports, etc. It's like the word, ebola, is everywhere you look. Listening to her talk about her anxiety concerning ebola was like taking a trip down memory lane. And it wasn't a pleasant one. Everything she said...that was me not all too long ago. She asked me this: "how are you not affected by any of this?" And the only answer I had for her was, I'm not who I used to be.

     I'm not who I used to be. I no longer see the world as a scary, terrifying place filled with horrible things. I no longer spend my minutes and my hours worrying about diseases, disasters, death. I spend my hours finding beauty. I spend my minutes looking for good. I never knew life could be lived this way. I never knew that my mind could be quiet and still. I never knew that I could be so happy. Or so fulfilled.

     When I was in high school, I went on a women's retreat with my mom, my sister, and my grandmother with our church. I was very sick with anxiety then. And I was desperate for relief. The first night we were there, I found this little mint on my pillow. It had a Bible verse on it. It said, "I sought the Lord, and he answered me. He delivered me from all my fears." I believed that that was a promise to me. That one day, I would be delivered. One day, I would be free.

 

     And now...I am free. I'm not who I used to be. And it is by far, one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. The journey was long. And far. And hard. And treacherous. There were dark days. But those dark days made this light I'm surrounded by now so much more brilliant. I've been delighted to find that my days can be filled with good, with beauty, with thankfulness, with all things lovely, and with love. And those things are stronger and more powerful than all of the anxiety in the world combined.

     I am so thankful for my days, for my hours, for my minutes. Instead of just surviving, I am truly living. I'm thankful for the beautiful blue sky. For the leaves. For the trees. For big, grassy hills. I'm thankful for family. I'm thankful for all that I've been blessed with. But most of all, I'm thankful for peace. For freedom from fear and anxiety. I'm thankful for happiness. I'm thankful for light. And all things good and lovely and beautiful. I'm thankful for the gift of thankfulness. Being thankful has filled up my heart and taught me more about life than anything else I know.