Tonight after dinner, Matt, Adelyn, Roxy, and I were all in the living room. Addy and Matt were having their usual tickle/laughter/father-daughter fun session when all of the sudden, Adelyn stopped and shouted, "River, River, River!" She was pointing to a picture of River's sweet feet we have on a table in our living room.
Addy is aware that there was a girl named, River. She pulls at the necklace I wear daily and says, "River." She looks at the picture of her feet. She examines all the items we have in River's memorial case. She points at them, and says very knowingly, "River."
I still hurt from losing her. I still long and ache to hold my baby girl. I cry for her. I wonder what life would have been like if she was still here. I'm still angry sometimes. Mostly at a couple of people who said: she never was. They said she didn't deserve a memorial service because no one had any memory of her. They thought it was inappropriate. Even writing those words makes my entire body tense in extreme anger.
They are wrong. I have strong memories of River. So do all the other people that loved her. What an amazing life she was. I still see her from time to time. Whenever a butterfly decides to visit me.
Tonight, after Addy pointed to River's picture and shouted her name, it brought back a flood of memories. I remember listening to Florence + the Machine's, Cosmic Love over and over after she passed. It reminds me of her. Well, mostly, the pain I felt after losing her.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became
As I sat there in the living room tonight, remembering River, I started thinking about where I was after I lost her. The mental state I was in. The depth of sorrow I felt. I was in the darkness. It took months for me to find my way back. I also thought this: if I hadn't lost River, I would never have been able to get pregnant with Tobin.
I miss her. I want to hold her. It would be easy for me to slip back into the darkness. But, then I think about all I have learned and experienced in my journey back to the light. There aren't enough words to describe how thankful I am for both my daughters, and my son that grows inside me. I'm thankful to be out of the dark.
Hugs!
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