56. Peaceful feeling...

56. Peaceful feeling...

     It was a beautiful day. I could take summer days like these forever. Lately, as I continue to progress with my pregnancy with our promised boy...my mind has started to wander. I have been doubting. I have been afraid. My mind races with thoughts, questions, what-if's. I'm afraid when I have been given so many reasons not to be. It's a shame that I had any kind of fear and doubt on day so lovely as this.

     I was sitting outside with a friend and her son, Addy's little boyfriend. She is pregnant with a boy as well. She has also had a very stressful pregnancy...but she said something that struck me. We were talking about how we can't wait to smell our newborns. (Newborn baby smell is by far the greatest smell in the world. That...and puppy smell.) She said she gets this peaceful feeling whenever she thinks about her two sons. She pictures them together. Her son, and her unborn son. She said she feels so at peace thinking that she has her two kids, and they're here, and they're healthy.

     As I was sitting out there on this beautiful night with her and our kids--two running around playing together, and two kicking the inside of our bellies--I felt ashamed. Ashamed that I had wasted minutes on this beautiful day worrying about what-if's. Worrying about what might happen. Instead, I should have been thinking about how amazing it will be to look at my son for the first time. To hear him cry the first time. To touch him, and kiss him. To see Adelyn become a big sister. To see Matt become a father to a son.

     As I was putting Roxy's leash on to take her out, I caught a glimpse of the sky through the window above our door. It was 8:50pm, and it was still light out. And I thought to myself...sometime in the near future, I will put this leash on to take Roxy out at 5:00pm, and it will be dark out. And when that happens, Tobin will be here. And I got a real peaceful feeling...