Driving down 234 with Tobin.

Project 365 * 4
Day 402

     I've driven down 234 countless times with Tobin. Countless. Today, we were driving down 234 to go to Toys R Us to exchange a book. As he babbled in the back seat, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of thankfulness and joy. I couldn't help but think back to when I was pregnant with him. I would drive down 234 to every OB appointment begging God that he would alive and healthy. I pleaded with God. I prayed more than I've ever prayed in my entire life. I was sick with worry driving to every appointment. Sick with worry everyday, really. The "what if's" flooding my mind. What if he's dead? What if he only has half of a heart? What if? After every appointment, I would celebrate. I would get a milkshake, or an ice cream cone. We would do something special. We celebrated every week of good news. I remember driving down 234 to have my c-section. I remember standing in the parking lot, doubled over in pain with a contraction before walking into the hospital. I was shaking and terrified. And my teeth were chattering. Which is a sign of extreme panic for me. And then, one week later, driving down 234 to go home with my sweet new son.

     I've driven down 234 more times than I can count with Tobin. But today? Today was special. I don't know...maybe it was the weather. Maybe it was the way he was babbling away in the back seat. Saying words indiscernible to anyone else but us, his family. All I know is today, the joy I felt driving down 234 with my boy was so alive and real, I felt like I could reach out and touch it. I felt like I was swimming in it. I felt like, if I was brave enough to face driving down 234 all those many times, if I was brave enough to face the uncertainty of week after week after week, for months, I am brave enough to do anything.

     Thankful for my Tobin. My hope. My lighthouse. Thankful that I can drive down 234 with him in the back seat. Babbling away in a language only I can understand. Thankful for his feathery white hair. Thankful for his sweet breath that always smells of milk. Thankful for his incredible smile. And his hugs and kisses. Tobin gives the absolute best hugs. The best hugs I've ever had. Which is pretty fitting, I'd say. Considering that after River passed, my arms felt like giant holes. Empty and aching. When Tobin was born, the aching stopped. My arms are never empty with him around. He sure knows how to put them to good use. He likes to be carried and held and hugged all day long. But, I don't mind, because he always hugs back. And his hugs are the best.