Day 476
The beauty of now. That thought came to me twice today. Once while I was outside walking. And again when I was looking at baby pictures of Addy and Tobin. When I was out walking, it came to me while I was looking up at the cherry blossoms. They are so beautiful. I love the way they blow in the wind. I love the way they look against the brilliant blue sky. And with the sun shining behind them.
I've been stressed about summer coming for many reasons. The first and foremost is that I really detest the heat. It makes me feel ill and lethargic. It means I will have to face thunderstorms again. It means there will be tornado warnings. Black clouds and lighting to contend with. The heat and the thunderstorms alone are enough to stress me out about summer. But this summer, there is a new stressor. This is my last summer as a stay at home mom. Next fall, I will be a teacher at a small private school here in Haymarket. I'm excited and nervous and sad. Excited because I really wanted a job at the school I will be working at. Addy and Casey are going there next year as well. And the year after that, Tobin will be attending. I'm nervous because I haven't worked in a long while, and because I have to leave my Tobin boy at home with Patty while I work. I'm not nervous about leaving him with Patty. I know that he will be well cared for, and I know that Patty loves my babies just as she loves her own. It's just hard knowing I won't be there for every minute of the day like I am now. And I'm sad because it will be the end of a season in my life. The end of my, "stay at home mom," season. And oh how I have loved every minute of it. Even the hard days. I've loved them. These have been the absolute best years of my life so far.
As I was walking this morning, secretly stressing about how my life will be drastically different next year, the thought came to me. The beauty of now. I looked up at the blue sky and the pink blossoms. I felt the wind blowing against my face. I looked over the beautiful loves of my life, Adelyn, Tobin, Casey, Sophia, Patty...and I felt thankful. I felt overjoyed. I felt blessed. Just at the beauty of the moment. I kept my mind focused on the beauty and love and joy I was experiencing as I walked with my family. And doing that made me realize, I had been missing all the beauty in the now worrying about the months to come.
It came again as my mind wandered away from me while I was playing with Tobin. We were playing when my eyes fell upon his baby picture. The one they take in the hospital. We have his and Addy's sitting on an end table in our living room. I saw those baby pictures, and it made my heart ache. It made me wish just for a short moment that I could go back in time and live those days again. Hold my babies for the first time again. Rock them to sleep again. And the thought came to me. The beauty of now. I looked back at Tobin. He was holding four pacifiers, and was leaning up against me. I looked at his amazing blue eyes, and smiled and hugged and kissed him. He kissed me back and hugged me for a long time. And I realized I had been missing the beauty of that moment.
Okay. So next year, I have to leave my boy. I have to start working again. I won't be a stay at home mom anymore. Yes. All that. But there is the now. And there is the possibilities of tomorrow. All that I have done in my life has led me to the point where I am today. The happiest I've ever been. Where will the next set of roads lead me? What are the amazing possibilities of tomorrow? I don't know. But while I'm getting there, I'm going to relish in all the beauty of the now. I'm going to live each minute. Each day. Fully. Not wishing for the past. Not fearing for the future.
Thankful for now.
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