89. Let me feel you...

Day 89. Let me feel you...

     Sometimes I have nightmares. Sometimes I just can't sleep. I wake up because I'm thirsty, or have to go to the bathroom, or for no reason at all. But it's always the same thing. I wake up. It's quiet. And dark. There is nothing but me and my thoughts. And my mind wanders. Runs away even. It's hard to find my way back to a peaceful place when that happens. That's why I always have The Office or Seinfeld in the DVD player. I flip it on...even if it's 3 in the morning. It helps me find my way back to a peaceful place. It helps me forget. It helps me smile. And laugh.

     It's funny...my sister always tells the story about the last time she stayed with us...she was afraid a wolf spider might meander her way during the night in the basement, so she stayed in our room. Matt and I would sleep in our bed, and Patty started off on the sofa, but then began making up a bed on the floor because it was more comfortable. And because we are all so close...it was no big deal. It was fun, like a sleepover. Some nights when I would wake and turn on a show to quiet the silence, Matt and Patty would wake up as well. And because they know why the show is on, they don't say anything to me about it. It was kind of funny...it would be like 2 or 3 in the morning, and all the sudden, we are all awake, watching Seinfeld. Laughing in the middle of the night.

     Some nights, my shows don't work. My fears are louder. One such fear is about Tobin. Is he okay? If I wake up wondering about him, I touch my stomach. And I talk to him. I ask him to move. To let me feel him. I actually say out loud, "let me feel you." And always...just before panic is about to take over...he moves. He kicks, or punches. Moves his head. Wiggles his bottom.

     Instant peace.