Anger likes to sneak up on me. Fear, too.

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 205

     It's almost August. Birthday month around here. My dad on the 1st. Matt on the 7th. Adelyn on the 20th. And River on the 17th. It was around this time last year that I started getting angry. And it's happening to me again. Anger. Details of the day River was born. And the aftermath. Things people said. Things people didn't say. Anger sneaks up on me. Comes at me when I'm doing things like washing the dishes. Getting a shower. I go back to that time in my head, and I relive it. I go over the details. I feel the pain I felt then. All over again. Like new. I remember the way my arms felt empty after she passed, and the nurse took her. It was a feeling of empty like I've never felt. Because the nurse took her, and that was it. I never held her again. I never saw her again. I start to worry that she is forgotten. I start to worry that I failed her somehow. I start to worry that it could happen again. I start to single people out. People to be mad at instead of what I'm actually mad about. It makes me even more angry that I'm angry to begin with. It makes me angry that fear creeps in. Disguised as anger. 

     I try to be hard on myself when it comes to anger and fear. I don't want them around. But, is anyone ever okay with the loss of someone they love? Peace comes and goes. Anger comes and goes. The reality of death hits me in waves. Some days, I'm at peace. Others, my mind is a war zone. Firing hot flaming arrows of anger and fear this way and that. Going over and over and over the details. The pain. The heartache. What she looked like. What she smelled like. The way people reacted to her. Or didn't react. The way she felt in my arms. And then, the way my arms felt empty. Like there was a hole I could never fill again.

     Tonight, what I am most thankful for, is the feeling of full. The way my arms felt full as I held Tobin tonight, and nursed him for bed. The way my arms felt full as Addy hugged me over and over today. The way my arms felt full when Matt and I cuddled in bed. The feeling of full is a good one. One that brings me peace and comfort. And calms my angry and fearful heart. The feeling of full reminds me to be ever so thankful for every moment I have with my loves. Because I know the feeling of empty. And it's a dark place. Thankful for Adelyn and Tobin. And Casey and Sophia. Four children to love and hug and hold makes my arms feel full. And that feeling helps me move past the anger.

The shirt says it all.