Oh, my boy...

Project 365 * 2 -- Day 194

     It's 11:47 pm. Tobin has been up twice already since I put him to bed at 7:00 pm. He used to be such a sweet, easy going, good sleeper. He was sleeping through the night at 6 weeks! Now? Not so much. He is very opinionated about sleeping. And nursing. He will only nurse in his room. No where else. Sometimes, on occasion, he will nurse somewhere else, but it takes a lot of coaxing. He will only sleep in his room. No where else. This leaves me pretty scared about vacation in August.

     I haven't been sleeping well at all, because I am up with Tobin a lot throughout the night. Because of that, I feel like a crazy, bitchy, zombie during the day. Honestly. He slept better as a newborn than he does now.

     That said... Matt and I are unsure about whether or not we will have more children. Sometimes, I think, yes. And others, I think not. Because of that uncertainty, I try to cherish every little stage I go through with Tobin. He may very well be my last baby ever. And saying that makes me awful sad.

     So, even though, I'm exhausted, and I can't remember the last time I slept through the night, and I feel like a crazy, wild eyed zombie, I must say...just now...before I came down to write this post, I was cuddled up, sleeping with Tobin on the couch in his room. And it was the sweetest sleep. And I will miss this stage. Even though it's exhausting. He will grow. And he will grow out of needing me throughout the night. And when that happens, it will hurt a bit. Because it means that, Tobin, who may be my last baby ever, just passed another milestone. It means he will have found out how to soothe himself, and fall back asleep on his own. Without me. Without me having to comfort him. And when that happens, a little piece of his "babyness" will disappear. And I'll be left missing those extra nighttime cuddles.

     Thankful for my boy. Thankful that he needs me. It's a good feeling to be needed so intensely. Thankful for our cuddles on the couch in his room night after night. I will miss them desperately when they're gone.